Christine's Blog

I Gave Up Smoking

2012-01-27T10:30:00.001-08:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

I Gave Up Smoking

2012-01-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

I Got The Letter

2012-01-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

This last Monday I finally received the letter that I was hoping to receive. It came earlier than I thought it would. It's the letter from my company telling me when I go back to work. February 20th is the estimated start date. It may be earlier than that. I'm excited too. My friend and coworker Leticia also received hers. The company sent them through email. The job site isn't our usual place. It's in the larger offices in the same city of the County.

I was enrolled in a daytime art course in college. So I had to drop it on that day. I wasn't going to want to ask my manager for those days off. I need to work more than I need to be in school. I could have asked him to allow me to arrive late to work on those two days of class. But I didn't even want to do that. The letter specifically stated that we were to adhere to certain hours for our schedule, due to the amount of and nature of the work.

Now I can sort of unwind and get ready to go back to work.

I went to a get-together at WISE Place. It was not as fun as the most recent get-together. It was nice to see Kathi Bowman. I did get a little dressed for the occasion. I can't help but notice that I'm aging. I notice it the most when I try to put on makeup and a nice outfit, I just don't look the same.

Which leads to another subject, hot flashes. I'm having them in a major way. I used to be able to blame it on the heat during the summer, or other stuff. But I am actually having one now as I write this. So anyone who reads this, please comment if you know of any kind of natural supplements I can take. I know about black cohosh. And I heard that flax seed oil is good for this too. I'll be making a trip to the health food store soon.

My brother arrived in south California Thursday. He's in San Diego now, working (volunteering) for a company from Missouri, at at trade show. I guess it's a trial period, where he and this company decide if they like each other. He's going to be here sometime around February 2nd to visit me and his friends in the area. He called me this morning. He sounded stressed and a little mad. It isn't surprising, since he spent the entire weekend with his father (the person who is supposed to be my father too) and his wife.

It's been raining a bit here. And it's a little cold at night. But I can handle it, considering that I spent 2 months in weather that was quite a bit colder than this. Oh and it was this time last year that I moved into my apartment here. Actually it was the 23rd of last January.

I've been finding and making these pixel dolls online. I sort of have a collection of them now. I love them, they're so cute.

Last night my cat Nala was so cuddly. She's so cute when she gets like this. I think she's a moody little kitty. I was out for most of the day yesterday, so she probably missed me.

After the Holidays....

2012-01-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

Been doing a bit of thrift store shopping after the holidays. I have a new favorite store now. It's called Savers

Today there was a huge, and I mean huge sale there today. I found these totally cute salt and pepper shakers.

I used my 20% off coupon for them. Every time you donate, they hand you a green card (no, not that kind of green card), with that discount on it. I used to say that Goodwill was my best place, but I found a new one. I bought a really cute Calvin Klein dress there last week for like almost nothing, like brand new. But I accidentally deleted it from my computer today, so can't post the picture. The clothes that I take pictures of don't look very good when I shoot them with my cheap digital camera anyway.

I've been sort of getting things for my place too. Like those plastic white storage bins with drawers, for my clothes. I picked up another one today there.

Yesterday I went to the WISE Place for a "Day of Self-Esteem". The day was put together by a Jewish Synagogue. It was so fun. I got a free haircut and clothes galore. They also had jewelry and makeup for anyone who was there, all for free! When I went by the jewelry table nobody was looking or taking any jewelry. So the woman there encouraged me to take more than one item. I found the most beautiful brooch and a necklace for my mother. And they even gave me a box to put it in, so I can mail it on mother's day. My friend Susie was there too. This is her going wild shopping through the clothes racks. And the garments were not cheap. There were brand name designers including JJil. And some of the clothes had the price and tags still on them.

Here are some of the tables.
This is Terri and the woman from the Synagogue, I forget her name. But she's sooo nice.

All of that shopping yesterday prompted me to go home and get a pile of clothes ready for the donations at Savers.

Below is my kid (kitty) Nala.

My birthday was on the 6th. I didn't take any pictures. But I went to brunch and had huevos rancheros at one of my favorite Mexican places. And then I went shopping. But I also had to fill my car with gas. So that kind of used up most of my birthday/shopping cash. Nevertheless, it was a good day, with lots of sunshine.

Last week I met with a couple of coworkers. We also went out for brunch and had Mexican. They're from Mexico and said that the food was really good. They know, they said, from how good the salsa tastes. I didn't take any pictures.
Even thought we don't go back to work for a couple of more weeks, a few of us keep in touch. Not that they like to talk about work (they don't), we still stay friends. Needless to say, I am totally looking forward to getting back into the swing of working.

The weather has been warm here. It's been in the 80's. But today it cooled off. And I think there was rain last night. I thought I heard it while I was laying in bed reading.

To a lot of people this may sound weird, but I have no television. And I don't miss it. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to stay in and just watch the PBS channel. But I don't have one, and I don't know when I will.

I've been keeping a list of all the sewing patterns I want. So I again went to the Joannes fabric store nearby. There was a sale; Simplicity patterns for 99 Cents. But most of the patterns weren't in stock. Then I came home and went through my boxes of patterns and took out the ones that are now too small for me. Size 10, so funny that I used to wear size 10. Well, they are going to the donations.
The idea that I now again have to collect the sewing supplies that I used to have, bugs me. I've been sewing my whole life. But when they were stolen up north, it was one of the losses that bothered me the most about the move.

I saw a Singer machine on sale there today for $99. That's good. Maybe when I get my tax return money this year.

There are so many things that I need to buy.

It was funny, that last week I got a burst of energy and actually cleaned a lot more than usual, including 4 loads of laundry. And I also scrubbed the ground in my car port area. I cleaned the oil spots that were there. It's great, I never tried that before. My mechanic gave me some powder to throw on the ground and it worked great. I bought some vinegar and mixed it with water and sprayed a lot around my kitchen. I like the smell of vinegar, it smells clean to me.

My kid Nala was peeing on my blankets. So I washed them all and sprayed them with some spray for cats, to make her stay off my blankets. It smells good too. It worked for about one and a half weeks. And then last night she peed again. I also got a can of really good smelling carpet shampoo and sprayed the entire bedroom carpet with it.

A week from today it the first day of school, for the Spring semester. I cannot wait! I love school, like I did when I was a kid. I can't wait to get to the art computer lab again.

I Wish I Had.....

2012-01-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

At this time of year I wish that I had a scanner. And not jut a scanner but a new iMac, printer to go with it. And also some nicer furniture. Not to mention all of the sewing supplies that I lost in the recent move. The list goes on and on.

My birthday is this Friday. Even thought I'm in a much better place than this time last year. I cannot believe that I am 51! Yeah, that is old.

I totally love Deviant Art. Here's a new artist that I just found. Farmboy is what his profile says. Hmmmm. I've seen the prettiest art on this site. Here are some more.

Dashket

Andrea

Themicawber

Arabian Horses

Stressed Jenny

Sugar Cream

Nina

Virvel

Isn't this cute? Bliss Bunny

Blutack

Faboarts

Ploop

And then there's this genius:
Yuni

Some cute animation too! Perils of a Kitten

Isn't art amazing? I think so, what do you think?

Here's my little profile. Cinamingrl20

The weather here has been a strange 80 degrees. Yeah. It's kinda hot. I have to put on the air in my apartment. And drink iced tea. And open the windows at night.

Do you ever wish that you could go back and relive your childhood years, knowing what you know now? I would.

At This Time of Year

2011-12-30T22:15:00.000-08:00

As I sit here writing this post, listening to the cute sound of my kitty crunching her food I think, I'm safe here in my little place. And at this time of year I sometimes use the long days to clean and get ready for the coming year. I do some cleaning (more than usual. Anyone who knows me, knows that I dislike housework). I can usually get other things done like extra drawing, arranging stuff, taking clothes to be donated at the Goodwill, and just little things that I don't normally like to do. I guess I have some sort of nervous energy this time of year, a few weeks before the day that I was born, which is January 6th.

I don't know what the phenomenon is, but in late December and early January I get sort of antsy.

The school semester starts over in late January. And then I go back to work in February. And believe me, I'm looking forward to that. My brother is coming to California again too, yay! He's trying out a new company to work for.

The weather has been unseasonably warm. Not just here, but up on northern California in the High Sierras, where I used to live. I recall in this time last year, there were huge blizzards happening up there and I barely escaped from that area in time. There was also a huge storm down here happening. The storms went on for weeks. But now now, I am actually too hot in the mornings. And I have to put the fan on.

That's all for now. I was gonna write a long blog. But it would be rambling.

Almost Christmas

2011-12-16T13:06:00.001-08:00

It's almost Christmas, and I cannot help but remembering where I was and what I was doing this time last year. I'd just moved back to the area from the high Sierras. And I was not a very "happy camper". But I'd also gotten word that I'd gotten my job back and that I was to start work soon.

Last night I got water on my cell phone and it stopped working. I remember that this exact time last year, I'd done the same thing. Except that it was apple juice that I dropped my Smart Phone in. Needless to say, it stopped working. So this morning I couldn't help but remember this time last year. And I stopped myself from getting upset. I remember how much better off I am now, a year later. I have insurance on the cell this time too. So I'm having a replacement sent to me. Since after last year, with no way to get another phone, as I didn't have insurance, I'm never going without it again.

When I think of Christmas, I can recall those days as the most peaceful. On Christmas Eve we got to open one gift after going to mass at the Catholic church. My sister, brother and I would pick out our one gift days before that night. Sometimes we'd even open the wrapping and look inside, that is, if our parents couldn't catch us. Our parents always made sure that we had a wonderful Christmas. Whether it was a new ten speed bike or something else. I always got nice gifts. And from our grandparents too. After unwrapping our home gifts, we'd then go to our grandparent's home, and unwrap another entire Christmas tree, full of gifts.
Yes we were "spoiled" for presents. On Christmas day, after the morning of unwrapping, our house was the one that all of the kids in the neighborhood flocked too. It was because we got all the toys that their parents couldn't afford to buy. At the time Ididn't realize this. But now I do.

But putting all presents aside, I would try to give back all of the material possessions that I was given, to only have just one year of domestic peace, when it wasn't Christmas. I can guess now, that by giving gifts, parents do so in order to make up for what they cannot give, emotionally or anything else. Sorry to sound like a scrooge.

Lately I've been feeling like a "non-christian". That is, I just don't much believe in the religious aspect of Christmas. And believe that it's really for children and the economy. Oh I do sent out cute cards to all of my friends and the family that I do still keep in touch with. But as an adult, it just isn't the same. After all of the emotions and events that I've been through within the last few years, I have lost my "faith in God". And also learned that I am getting along without it, even better. I guess I can now say that I'm an Atheist. I didn't even know how to spell that word until recently.
My Grandfather would not be happy.

Since 2006 I've been spending my Christmas mornings at the WISE Place. I love the staff here. And it just feels right to be here instead of somewhere else.

The Semester is Over

I had my web design final 2 Fridays ago. I think I saved a couple of the websites that I created.

This is a sort of rough page, a lot like the final site. Except that the site I have has links and lots of little sprites on it. This is a sprite.

Here are some other kids of pixel art. My final site was a pixel doll art site.

I made 4 other websites also. But I think I'll just upload these pics above. It was a fun class. The teacher Hassaan is a good teacher, and knows a lot about web design.

It's beginning to get cold lately. And my apartment isn't air-tight. I really need to get another heater and more blankets. But hey, I am super thankful to have a home now.
I took my lil' car into my awesome mechanic's last week also. It needed a fuel pump, oil and filter change and tune up. I really didn't have the money, I'd just paid my rent. (on time). So he let me write 2 checks to split the cost in half. The entire job cost $250. I thought that was cheap. He's a good guy. I was literally there all day until 10:00 p.m. And got the scoop on everything from a volunteer guy who works for him. He talks too much about my mechanic. I now know a lot more about my mechanic than I've known in the 10 years I've been going there with my car.
I'm supposed to go back after he finds some wiring that he needs for my car. He says he can get if off another car, so that I don't have to "cough up" $35.

I've been feeling pretty good lately, all in all. Except that I keep getting sinus infections. I had a painful migraine a couple days ago, that made me want to scream. I took an Excedrine PM and went to bed. And it was gone the next day.

The stinking elevator in my apartments is breaking down almost every day. I wouldn't care, except that it's next to the wall, on the other side of my room where I sleep. And I can hear it going up and down when it breaks. It gets stuck going up and down for hours. And nobody can get on it, or off it either! So I've been avoiding riding on it, unless I am bringing up groceries.

And what do I do in my free time?( I have a lot of it when not working). I read read read. I have been reading so much. And I also go to 3 different libraries. Oh and I've been sketching. My sketches are all on my little site. My Enchanted Art Site.

Places Unseen

2011-11-25T16:20:00.000-08:00

I finally made it up north to get my belongings out of storage. I did it in 3 days! I left Monday morning around 11 and returned Wednesday night here, around 5 p.m. Here is my apartment complex, before I left.

Round trip the miles were 1,002. And don't even ask me about the gasoline money. I do believe that it was worth the trip. As now I have my things here in my apartment. Today I took stock of everything I have. And I am missing my computer monitor, speakers, printer, a Breyer black stallion horse statue. And of course the new Singer sewing machine that was stolen out of the van, while I was sleeping at the Modesto Days Inn. I'll get back to that later.

I took lots of pictures. I think not enough though. As it was so beautiful, on the way there, and on the way back. I thought, wow, it's hard to imagine countryside as beautiful as this, while living in a city. But there are places like that, and it was so good to see it all.

What I did was, I drove up the 5 and stopped in Sylmar and took pictures of my old neighborhood. We (the family that used to be), lived in a rural area. It isn't so rurual any more though. And all of the places where we used to ride our horses are now built upon. Here is our old house. It looks completely different. It had a circular driveway and still does. The property was surrounded with olive trees, like it was in the middle of an olive orchard. And it kinda was, as well as every other house in the area. It seemed that sylmar was a huge olive orchard. And where there weren't olive trees, there were pomegranite trees.I remember it being so much bigger then.

Here are some houses where friends used to live.

The house below is where my friends and I and my brother used to go to smoke cigarettes. Once we took a dump in the closet. The house was vacant for a long time. And we used it a lot to do that. And when a family bought it, the kids became our friends. And we told them what we did in their closet. It was hilarious, the stuff we used to get into.

The shed above used to be a sheep barn. The Veronnis used to own it and lots of sheep. I used to carpool to Catholic school with them. I remember once while being driven to school one morning what for some reason I have never forgotten. One of the daughters had moved out of the home. And she was telling her mother, Mrs. Veronni, that she will have to bring over some food to her, as she didn't have any food. Mrs. Veronni had a bad temper, and started to yell saying "the sheep are more important than you are!" It just seemed to me, that the mother was mad at her about something other than sheep.

This picture below is of a scarecrow that someone put right on the corner. It looked cool there.

So after toolin around Sylmar I headed over the grapevine. I never realized how close Sylmar was to the grapevine. It wasn't so difficult to drive over it in the vehicle I was driving. I had a Dodge Caravan. I liked it so much that I think my next car will be a van, but not a Dodge, maybe a Ford.

I stopped in a little town and ate at Dennys. And then drove up to Andersons Split Pea Soup place. But I didn't like the prices of the menu or the gift shop. So I made some calls on my cell and hit the road again. I made it to Stockton at about 6 p.m. and called my friends Tracy and Harold in Sacramento. They were expecting me. I spent the night there. I lived in Sac for about 10 years.

Here is a shot of Tracy in the morning before I left.

And her bunny who hangs out in the chicken coup with the chickens.

As I drove out of Sacramento to the cutoff to Jackson, the one thing I noticed was how slow people were driving. So I headed up a road that said "Jackson", which turned into a beautiful highway that goes up to the 49, and then that leads to the 88. I took a few pictures on that road.

My plan, once I got my stuff loaded, was to drive over Carson Pass to Markleeville, stop and eat. And then drive down the Ebbets Pass, which is Highway 4. But that didn't happen. Once I got to Markleeville, I found that the pass was closed, Ebbets Pass, even though there wasn't snow. Thanks Cal Trans. So I had to drive all the way back over Carson Pass, back up the mountain, through Kirkwood again, and then back down the 88 to the 49. And guess what? There was another Cal Trans snafu. They had a road block, to clear bolders off the mountain side. So I got out and took more pictures.
Here is one while waiting at the road block at Carson Pass, which is 8,750 foot elevation.
And when I am that far up, I don't get any cell phone reception. So I can't sit and chat on the phone while I wait. So I took another picture.

I took a few more on the way up to Kirkwood. I think this was along highway 88.

After I drove through Jackson, I went through Calaveras county, on the way to Stockton. This was beautiful countryside.

I would've taken a lot more pictures than I did, but I had to be in Modesto that night. I had reservations at the Days Inn. And I was tired too.

The only bad part of the trip was when I woke up in the morning at the Days Inn Modesto and someone had smashed the back window out, taking the Singer Sewing machine and a couple of bags of stuff I had. I think maybe those bags had my other belongings in them. But the sewing machine was a good one, given to me by an organization. It bummed me out.
But I got to sleep in a super nice motel room, with a huge bathtub. (I have a bathrub at home too). And I had a Continental breakfast with coffee. And they have high speed Internet to use also. And of course I got to watch cable t.v. I was going to stay there until checkout, which was noon. But once I saw the window, I decided to get on the road, after I made a police report over the phone and called the Hertz place to report it.

I drove down the 99 to the 5, and made it home by 5 p.m. I could feel the temperature get about 10 degrees warmner as I came over the Grapevine and down into Los Angeles. And then the traffic! I got stuck in it. And I was so tired when I got home. I was dizzy. And then for 2 days I was totally exhausted. I was missing my Nala kid so much. When I walked in the door, she came out of the bathroom and mewed twice really fast. She didn't seem upset, but happy to see me. And it made me happy to see her. I thought she'd be ignoring me.

I should've slept the next day, but I had to unload the van and then return it to Hertz. I could tell the manager at Hertz was surprised by how the back window looked. But I'd already called him when it happened and told him about it. I pulled off the road in Fresno and called him. After the vandalism I felt really anxious and nervous, and actually mad as hell.

So it's been a week or so since I've been back. And I just finished unpacking almost everything. Now all I need is to buy some kind of drawers and also bookshelves. As I have to many books and more clothes now.

I got email from my manger saying we'll be going back to work for at least a year, on January 15th, 2012. But he didn't want me to contact anybody else from the team. Because he didn't know how many he'd be needing.

So I've been concentrating on school and working at the library. As soon as I get my final website finished, I'll post the pages here in jog format.

A Road Trip Up North

2011-11-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

Taming I Down

Lately as usual, I'm reading a lot of novels. This is a really good one. I picked it up at the "help yourself" shelf at the library where I volunteer. And I am glad that I did, it's a very good book.

I also just read.... This is about the AA crowd and stuff that goes on. Well written, but a so-so read.

And this one by Steve Martin, he is really a good writer. It's Shopgirl, another winner.

I'm taking a trip back to northern California, to get my belongings that I left up in Kirkwood. But this time it's planned. I reserved a mini-van, with the help of my mother. I've never rented a car before, exept once when a car was stolen. But that was a long time ago. So I did it this time through AAA. And so far the Hertz people aren't charging a deposit fee. I was dreading a $200 deposit.

My plans are to leave early Tuesday morning, getting to Sacramento that night. I'm staying with my friends Tracy and Harold. I've kept in touch with friends there, I used to live there. So I'm looking forward to that.

On Wednesday I'm making my way acroos the 50, towards the high Sierras. And then to Kirkwood. I kind of wanted to go another way, through Jackson. But the 50 looks like a good route, through Placerville. Then when I get to Kirkwood I think that my friend Wade will be there to help me load my things. He took them and stored it all, so that the idiot Larry would not throw it all out. I am so thankful that there are nice people, like Wade.

I made reservations at the Howard Johnsons in Modesto, on the way back down the 99. I chose them because they were cheapest, with an "expanded" Continental breakfast. I like to be able to kind of ease myself into the day, now. And I like coffee in the morning, without having to leave to go somewhere. After that I drive home, down the 99 to the 5. And then home.

I'm feeling nervous about leaving my kitty Nala for this long. She has never been alone for 2 days like this. I may ask someone to check in on her. But that would not really help, as she is afraid of everyone, especially men. I'll need to leave her lots of food, water and just kind of hurry up.

I don't know for sure, but I may not even have room in my tiny apartment for all of my stuff. I guess I'll find out.

School's been fun. We're making websites, in Photoshop and Illustrator. I'm on my fourth site. This next one is the final. I'm not yet sure what I'll be doing. But I think I'm looking at making a fashion sketch site.

I wanted to add, that my mother's been so helpful and understanding lately. And that I don't know how I'd get through some of these hard times without her. I guess that she and I are both working at having a relationship. And it's nice actually, having a mother in my life.

I've uploaded my sketching to a site called Deviant Art. I love this art site, been finding a lot of inspiration here.

Cave Dwelling

2011-10-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

A few mornings ago, I woke after a really interesting dream. My friend Tiana was in it too. In my dream I was going to visit her. She lived in a nicely decorated cave. To get there I had to drive through a beautiful foresty, lush green area, with a meandering creek running through the area. It was a nice dream. So I called Tiana and told her about the dream. As I told her about it, there were parts of it that she recognized as events that were happening in her life now, in present time. And these were things that I didn't conciously know about. Like the part where she was wearing a green shirt that I thought made her blue eyes stand out. And the part where she was telling me that she had to stay to be in her city when her daughter graduates from high school. So she said that morning when I called her, that she had been thinking about moving back here to where I live. But that she didn't want to do it until her daughter graduates. And that green is her favorite color. How did I know that? She also said that she liked the idea about the cave to live in.

This dream inspired me to look on the Internet for cave dwellings:

Via: HomeownersInsurance.org

Characatures

2011-09-27T13:24:00.001-07:00

I am going to start posting the pictures that I draw, here is one.

I realize now that I am so busy lately, this blog writing has become, well, less interesting than it was before. Anyway, maybe I should just use it to post my art.

I just did a few others too, really cute ones. I will have to post them in my next blog post.

Among Others

2011-09-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

This is a book I just finished reading, Among Others. It's on the Fantasy group. I loved it too. I think I'll get the rest of this author's novels.

School has been a bit trying. In that I have never designed an entire website from Photoshop. I thought it would be easier. I mean, the hard part was learning how to place the folders into the HTML files, so that everything would be there when I loaded the site into the browser. So last night was the critique. Only a handful of us showed our work. I thought everyone would be required to do that. But no, just some. I got mine to work! But it took me all week of working on it, every day.

I guess what I wanted to write about was the way that I over heard the lab manager and my teacher talking about me. I could hear them from where I was sitting in the lab at my iMac. It wasn't the talking-behind-your-back kind of smack. It was kinda like they thought I was funny or amusing to them. I remember the teacher saying out loud, as I was loading my website in the classroom "I'm getting nervous". So then later in the lab, I sat there and listened to them both, thinking, do they not think that I can hear them? So I said "you guys I can hear you". They were both smiling at me, and Ingrid said "should we talk louder?" I remember her saying "were you surprised Christine got her site to work?" And then the teacher began talking about what he was thinking in the minutes before my website appeared on the screen. It's all good though. Later on after lecture, I showed him my other website. The one with all my drawings on it.

I got my test results back from my County test. I scored in the "B" Category. Now I wait for an interview, for the next position that comes up. It's a county-wide list. Which means that any clerical job opening with the County, I can be interviewed for, which needs that level of office experience, I may get.
Another x-co-worker/employee friend of mine has emailed me. She worked at the County job last year, but didn't come back this year. She's moving back to California from Texas again. And she wanted to inquire about work with Doculynx. So I told her what I knew, which isn't all that much. She seems to think that work will pick up again.

I was so tired that I slept until noon today. I felt good too, after I was out and about. I actually worked out at the gym. And then to the library. I feel like a get these headaches after I exercise. Sometimes they are bad. It's one of the reasons I don't do it often enough.

I cleaned in here a little yesterday. After they put the bug poison out, I found way too many dead bugs. So I had to wipe out my cupboards. I think I may clean some more tomorrow too.

I've been feeling pretty good lately too. And the weather is cooled off nicely. My cat Nala has been walking up onto my bed and laying down next to me a lot lately. She's been very affectionate with me. I love her so much. Here is a picture of her with her stuffed animals. She thinks they are her babies.

And I totally like working at the library. I made a new friend with the manager, Cathy. She's from Tennessee. She's so nice too. Oh and the grocery strike never happened, so I didn't get to cross the picket lines.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I want to do some sketches again.

Scab!

2011-09-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

I had a busy busy week this last week.

First I want to say that I had this blog blocked for a couple of weeks, because I had an online stalker. Yes, I am so popular that a man stalked me. For about oh, 2 weeks. I really don't know if he is still reading this blog. I just know that he hasn't sent me any more pics of his penis, asking me to come over, with explicit explanations of what he was gonna do to me when I supposedly arrived at his place. Needless to say, I didn't go there. He even found my mother's email and emailed her. I considered posting the pictures he sent me here, but he'd like that I am afraid, it would encourage him.

Last week I applied for a job with the County District Attorney office. So I was invited to take a test, this last Friday, and I did. It was a real basic Office Personnel test. So no I'm not going there to be an attorney. A finished the test and felt good about it too. And then as I left and checked my cell phone messages, there was a voice mail from the manager at Albertsons Grocery store, wanting to know if I was still interested in working there. As there is going to be a strike. I do, and I did. And I started work yesterday.

Which leads me to the title of this blog post. I am going to be crossing their picket line. Myself and quite a few other new employees that is. Ha, I don't care. I am brave. I went out today and bought some new work shoes, 2 pairs of black slacks, and 2 white button-down shirts. I think that since yesterday afternoon, I've been called a "scab" about 5 times. And not by the union employees at work. We got paid yesterday after training too. We were allowed to cash our checks there. My best friend Judy used to work for Albertsons. So she's given me lots of tips. Like, check i.d. for alcohol and cigarettes on everyone. And do the WIC vouchers too. Those I need to pay attention to.

Such is life.

And while I was shopping at Goodwill today I found a super cute halter dress, from Wet Seal. It only needed a small alteration, and I fixed it when I got home. I totally love this dress. I'm gonna wear it to the beach.
My cheap digital camera doesn't do any justice to the pictures I take inside my apartment. But the dress is made of really thin gauze, and it's so cute. And it's a size Medium.
I also found a rayon dress that would be good when I go to my County interview. And I also bought a cute gauze skirt with really pretty flower print, in black back ground. And a cute pair of leather sandals. I love Goodwill, totally love it.

Friday I got a lot done on my website in my web design class. I am beginning to think that either my teacher really likes me, or that I really irritate him. It could be both of those things. During class I asked a question and he was getting irritated with me, saying "you are confusing the class". I was like "I just wanted to ask the question." He kinda shook his head at me. So later, during the lab part of the class, as I was talking and looking at animal pictures online with Ingrid, I heard the teacher say from across the room, to the other students he'd been helping, "I'm gonna go and see what Christine is doing". And over he came. I was thinking that he heard me laughing loud and wondered what I was laughing about. he's a super nice man. If he weren't married I'd probably be flirting with him.

I've been doing a lot of really good sketches lately. Here are some more, I'm not sure if I already posted these or not. And the other ones....
I did some more last night too. And I'll probably draw more tonight, and scan them tomorrow in the iMac lab at school.

I began working at the library on a volunteer basis. I think I already wrote about that.

Today after I got my hair cut at the salon, I went to the library to do my Farmville. And then to Tommy's Burgers. I had a chili cheese dog, fries and a root beer. I know I should not eat that stuff, but I love it.

Oh another thing, I had another bizarre x-rated dream about my mechanic. I love those dreams. I always call him up and tell him about my dreams that he stars in.

Is There A Light At The End of The Tunnel? I Think So.

2011-09-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

Today as I left my apartment, going downstairs to check my mail, there was the letter I was waiting for, from EDD. I won my appeal. This was the 3rd appeal hearing I've had to sit and wait through. I knew that I didn't loose though. I knew because I checked the 800 number and my check was mailed Thursday. They never stopped my checks. Anyway, my hands weren't shaking as I opened the letter. Usually I am completely panic stricken while opening anything from the State.

I got an email from my friend Sarah, who still temps at the County office where I worked this year. So the County of Orange is testing for an office position. The applications will only be taken on the 12th, and they are only accepting the first 100 applicants. So I think I'll get up at midnight Sunday night, to apply online. I wonder if anybody else will be doing the same.

And I love working at the library! I am a natural at it. I love books I really do. I think I'll look at some college courses at the University for Library Science. What's good about the job is that I can write down the titles of the books I want to read as I check them into the system. And the staff there is so nice. The manager Cathy is the nicest manager ever.

Today the weather cooled down considerably. It's like I can take a breath now. So yesterday I went to the gym. I have not been going, even though I started to back in May. I love working out more than ever. But It's just that I cannot get motivated enough to go as much as I used to. I think now that it's cooled off, I can start going again. I made a reward game for myself. Every time I work out, I'll allow myself to go to the 99 Cent store across the street and buy a tiny plant. I don't know what I am gonna do if they run out of a selection. But yesterday I bought a little mini rose bush. I've got a few from that store. I like to buy the ones that need tender loving care. Like the ones that are almost dead. And then I take them home, water and trim them. And care for them every morning after I shower. So far it works.
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The temperature hasn't cooled off enough to drink my coffee without ice in it though. I still put ice cubes in my coffee cup in the morning. I actually pour coffee into my Farmville huge cup and ice cubes, like now. I am drinking out of my cup from the 7-Eleven Slurpee special.

So today was the day that I did my monthly grocery shopping. Not that I bought an entire month of food. I just by more than usual. And I found something I wanted to try. Nutella it's called. I saw the Kardashians eating this on the E Channel. So I tasted it, pretty good. Nala doesn't like it though.

My kid Nala has been such a good kitty lately. I bathed her on Tuesday I think it was. I have some gently puppy shampoo with Chamomile and Aloe. She always gets really cuddly and happy after she is clean and pretty.

I've been doing quite a bit of sketching lately too. I usually do this at night. Here are a few of them.

I've got more too.

Class is fun as usual. I made a map page in Dreamweaver last night. The hardest part of it was directing the software to the correct files. After that, I was okay.

Well that is all for now, tootles.

Bluebirds & Pine Trees

2011-09-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

I think I've already written about my new website I'm creating in school. But if not here are some of the graphics I am using. I always change my mind later and feel like tearing the page down and starting all over. But so far I'm placing a few little bluebirds on the splash page. The little guy above will be at the top of the page, linked to a different page on my site.

This is a cutie I found, he's the link to one of the galleries.

And I want forest animals on the other pages.

And of course the real pictures I shot while living up north will be most of the graphics. As soon as I finish the pages and convert them to jpg's I'll post them here on this page.

Last night in class we learned how to slice the page up, so that it loads faster. I'm thinking that I'll be learning Photoshop for a long while. Theres' so much to do with it.
I love being in the art iMac lab. Everyone is so into what they are doing. And I know the staff. We are all friends. I meet new people every day it seams. And the teacher is the best. All of the professors are great at this school.

Another fun thing, I got a volunteer job at the local library. There are like 5 jobs available for me. I start tomorrow morning. It's a library I've been frequenting since I was in elemenetary school.

Just Doing The Same Old Thing....

2011-08-24T12:46:00.001-07:00

I'm back at school now, only on Friday nights. I petitioned a full art and graphic design class, and got in! There were 10 students petitioning. Hassaan let us all in. So the school's graphic art lab has brand new iMacs. I can come here and look for cute pictures and look for a job, too. I use the wonderful new Macs. And the Internet is so fast here. I found the picture above. The part of school that I love is meeting so many new people, and learning from the great teachers, and just the fun of it. I recall once, someone saying to me "don't you feel dumb being in school with all those younger students?" I was like "no". I actually like that too.

I wish I had something really drama-based to write about, but I have nothing. I guess that would be good right?

Soon I'll be getting my belongings back from up north. I think that next month Wade will get his employee JEff do drive down here to O.C. Even though my apartment isn't even enough to keep all of my things in it, I'm glad that I got them from Larry. The only item that I may not be getting back is my sewing table. It's my grandmother's. It's probably 100 years old. It has loads of sentimental value for me. And all of my sewing stuff in it's drawers. But people like Larry couldn't care less. Soon I won't even need or have to talk to him at all, or ever again.

I've been searching high and low for a job. And now even more people are unemployed. My brother lost his job. And another friend also lost his job recently. My manager Jerry said we won't have any work until January 2012. So obviously I need something before that time. It would be great to get a temp job, art-based, close-by to where I live. But I'd take almost anything at this point. I really dislike the desperate feeling of having to accept anything. I'll keep looking and thinking how lucky I am to have even what I do have.

My kitty Nala woke me up this morning, meowing. She was so loud that I thought I overslept. So I gout up and it was only 7:30! She then climbed onto my air mattress and began clawing a hole in the top quilt. She does this when she hears air coming out of a hole. But I looked, and no hole to been seen. She's a funny kid. She's the best company too.

The weather has been scorching hot. I drive in my car, and it feels like an oven. I leave my air conditioner on at home all day. Since the management pays my electricity it's okay.

Last Saturday I went to a small pool party at sister Louise's house. This is just one of the few pictures I took of her garden. Well it isn't actually her garden. It's the Catholic Diocese's garden. She lives in houses that they pay for. And it seems that some people are weird about me having a camera. Because the last 2 times I used my camera, someone said something. I think I need to find new friends. It's weird and strange that some people don't like me having anything.

First Day of New Semester

2011-08-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

This week is the first week of the new Fall Semester. Tomorrow I go to my literature course, I'm waitlisted for it. I was gonna 'audit' or retake my algebra to brush up on it, since I haven't had any math in years. But I found out today that I won't be enrolled in it, it would be just a credit, no-credit course, since I passed it years ago. So now I feel less inclined to try and petition the class tonight. It was full. Anyway, I may also petition a web design course that's Fridays. The teacher is my favorite. Hassaan is his name.

I also start to feel overwhelmed with too many courses, by enrolling, I just get kinda stressed out. And I may be back to work full time soon too. So being able to take more than 3 units is out of the question.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Except today, I got into a bad mood. I'm not sure why though. I even managed to get my ex next-door-neighbor to transport my belongings down from the high Sierras, where I used to live. That felt pretty good, that I had friends I made up there, who would be so nice. They won't be coming for a few weeks. But just the thought of getting all my things back makes me feel relief. On this day last year, I had just decided to pack up and move way up north. It was this day exactly. Maybe that's why I'm feeling weird. Maybe I feel a loss. But I'm not a psychologist, so I don't try to analyze myself so much. And not to sound like I'm creating the hypochondriac post, but my eyes are burning. I guess it's from the smog. This just makes me want to stay inside more.

I can't help but talk about this...Farmville. I've got my friend in Sacramento helping me with my farms. Because my computer is so slow, it won't load Farmville. The link I just posted is a new Wiki site, about games. I love Facebook. I think I may be somewhat addicted.

I've been looking high and low for a job. I think that this economy has gotten even worse than it was this time last year, really. Even the McDonald's isn't hiring. I know because I asked. I'm a little bit idle sometimes. So I actually started cleaning my place. I just got a cleaning bug a few days ago.

I was out by the pool yesterday. I'm getting s little sun. It feels really good. But then I feel tired and head-achy afterward. So today I gave it a rest. I came home from doing errands and made myself some Chinese shrimp Lo-Mein. Last night after looking around on Craigs List, I re vamped all my blogs. They all have a new look now.

I have my beautiful kitty Nala and my apartment to be thankful for. This is a lot, for me at least it is. She wakes me up almost every morning, meowing next to my bed. It's the sweetest part of life. My animals are more important than almost anything to me.

It's Hot Here

2011-08-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

Wow I think the last time that I posted a blog was back in June. So since I'm feeling a little lazy and relaxed today, just thought I'd update my Menagerie. I've been letting my hair grow.

I'm back to looking for work and waiting until the college semester starts over again. And sorta hoping (no really hoping) that Jerry my manager at Doculynx gets a new project for us. When I say us I mean the team of Orange County workers. And while I wait, I do things like read, farm on my Facebook and swim in the pool here. I've been finding a few very very good novels to read lately. The one that I finished today was written by Steve Martin, the comedian. It's called Object of Beauty. And another excellent book that I couldn't put down until I finished it, The Art of Racing in the Rain. I've also read The Prodigal Summer, another very good novel. And Every Last One, Rescue, Losing Charlotte, Blessings and loads of others.

Other things like my brother was in town with McKinzee my niece. We went do dinner at El Ranchito on Thursday. It's our favorite Mexican restaurant since childhood... We also did some driving around the places where we used to live and play. He left with KcKinzee to Hollywood to see a band who she likes, the band members are from Missouri and are her friends.

The city's Corn Festival was this weekend, going on right now. There's a yearly parade too. I used to be in the parade when I was a kid with my horse, I was in the 4-H Club. I got a front row seat now, because the parade goes right down the boulevard I now live on. And the building seems to be the exact place where the parade people stop and do their thing. So I snapped a lot of pics of the beautiful horses and the bands, and the horses. I was just out there to see the horses.

I've managed to find someone to store my belongings that I left up in the mountains. My super nice next-door-neighbor Wade offered to get them from Larry. Wade has a business up there that's a zipline. Zip Tahoe it's called. He moved up there when I did and we lived right next to each other. He's this super laid back guy. I miss him and I miss the peace up there. And I'm so happy that he's getting my stuff out and away from Larry. Here's another good picture of the zipline. This was pretty much right in my neighborhood. Anybody looking at these pictures would see why I didn't like leaving there.

Another thing I'm thankful for is my tiny apartment. It's easy to clean. And it's in a place that I am very familiar with. My mother and I have "turned a corner" I think. No more arguing. And it's very nice to have a mother to talk to now. She's been telling me how hot it is in Missouri, but it's hot here too. I am sure it's gotten up to 100 degrees lately.

Oh yah and I was sort of dating an artist. That lasted 5 days. He smokes way too much weed ! He hung up on my Thursday after he asked me if he was boring me, and I answered truthfully, saying yes. I should tell him that there is a difference between drama and being interesting. I started a painting of my own at his house. Now I need to go back and get it, along with my beach chair I left in the back yard.

Here's a picture of my precious kitty Nala. She's such good company. Except when she got out a few weeks ago, and scared me to death. I found her in the bushes in front, near the busy street, hiding in the ivy scared to death.

What I Shouldn't Say

2011-06-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

Every time I make a new blog post I notice that I no longer have a ‘menagerie’. I don’t have my bunnies any more. But I do still have my cat Nala. This studio apartment isn’t even big enough to have room for a sofa. I couldn’t even imagine having 2 bunnies living here like I used to. But I still love having my own little place. Even if it’s without furniture - furniture-less I told someone once.

Last week I allowed my kitty to go and wander around at night. She went down 4 flights of stairs looking for a mouse or a lizard no doubt. But it was the middle of the night, or early morning hours. And she got caught in the sprinklers. I had to go down and find her. She was all wet, walked right up to me with a subdued-sounding little mew. It was frightening for a few moments for me. As I walked around searching for her, terrible thoughts occurring in my head. Luckily she hasn't been crying to go out now, after that escapade.

She's such a funny cat, without even trying to be funny. One strange little habit she has is that she jumps into the litterbox immediately after I clean it out and pour fresh litter into it....and poops. Sometimes she'll jump into it while I'm pouring the litter.

I read a book by Dr. Schlesinger recently. In it she writes about someone’s life being ruined after writing in a blog. I don’t believe that everyone’s life would get ruined, writing in a blog. Unless one writes something their workplace associates are offended by. That’s what happened in her book. “Learning How To Swim, With Sharks (While On Land)”. I wrote a ‘letter’ of sorts once, years ago, in my blog. And which later I deleted. But I knew what would happen. And since then, the person in my life (or persons), are no longer in my life, and that’s fine. They weren’t happy people anyway.

I guess what some people don’t like to hear is the truth. Or I should say, the truth as others see it, from another person’s viewpoint. There are those of us who cannot afford to look at ourselves, let alone someone else look at them and say “blah” (insert truthful words).

Sometimes, no usually – no always, it’s best and more wise to just not say anything. That is, unless you are me. My therapist said that I need to learn how to make a face when someone says something untrue or just weird or annoying. It’s hard to do that in cyberspace.

Alright, now onto the better stuff: My work project ended. Why is that good you ask, because now I can both go back to school and sleep in. I’ve again put my studies on the back burner. For 3 semesters now I’ve been not in school. I’ll be able to get some more courses done in order to finish. And also, I can catch up on reading.

Oh and I have no television. I hardly notice it though. I have Facebook and my Internet connection at home.

My mother has been so incredibly kind and helpful. I know I've written about this before. Life is just better with a mother. A nice mother that is.

I finally bought a new bathing suit and took a trip to the beach. I also went back to visiting the gym. I joined one in the late 90's and bought a lifetime membership, which I sometimes place on pause. But now I use it, try to go twice a week now. I'm hoping to get to be able to go three times a week soon. Little by little I'll get back to that schedule. This wasn't something that I was able to do, while working full time. I already notice my muscles getting more toned, and feeling so much better.

I started eating healthier too. Salads - okay when eaten in a restaurant, but don't like making them at home. I've been eating them now for a couple of months. And I'm not liking them much now. I get fruit too, and raisins. And I drink my soy milk like......a lot.

A few people from my past have gotten in touch with me, one person while I lived up north called me. And some old classmates found me on Facebook. But as yet I haven't actually visited with any of them face-to-face.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I miss sketching. So tomorrow I'm going to go and by a new sketchbook. Mine are still up north, in storage, where all the rest of my belongings are. If I do get a sketchbook, it'll be something else I can do instead of (not) watching television.

A few of my friends and I are getting together this Friday at the apartment of a co-worker. We will be eating Mexican food for sure!

Budgeting For the Next Few Months

2011-05-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today I have a day off, it's Sunday. I worked yesterday. We are coming to the last few days of this project at work. I'm feeling hopeful about our manager Jerry extending the project. Yesterday there were only a handful of us at work. Armen decided to keep "only the fast ones". So there were quite a few employees who weren't there yesterday. At the end of the day, Lily who's the night supervisor, came over and told myself and another person, that we may go past the previously planned last day. And that would have been this Tuesday. On Thursday, we were all given letters telling us that our last day will be this Tuesday. It also said that some of us would be leaving that day, and others not. I like the "not" part. Last year something similar happened. They let go several employees. Keeping those of us who were "there to work", as the supe stated. So maybe they're doing the same as last year, and not telling us...again.

I managed to get my new digital camera to work, by putting new batteries in it. The batteries go dead very fast apparently. I took a few pics. One of my toes...

Since this is not a really good camera. And this is my first time with one, please excuse the bad pix-elation. I took more... This is of a cute photo album I found. It's a Winnie-the-Pooh thing I now have, since working at Disneyland in the Critter Country on the Winnie-the-Pooh ride. I am in favor of this. Again, please excuse the immature things I love to get. It's from the 99 Cent Store. I also got a few little other cute booklets there.
Needless to say, the 99 Cent Store is my most frequented store, along with the Goodwill. I only went there to buy artichokes, baby oil and triple A batteries. I forgot all about what I was in there for, only buying the artichokes and those cute booklets. But I did get a really good buy on the artichokes. When I was a kid, my mother used to boil these, and we'd eat them dipped in mayonnaise.

Here are angel statues I found and could not resist buying. I also send several of them to my mother. One is an angel holding a tiny white bunny.

Last week I read a good book called "Family History". Currently I'm reading "Midsummer Night" by Freda Warrington. So far I like it, got it from the Orange Library. I've been stopping by there on the long drive home from work. I find that if I wait a couple of hours the traffic subsides a little. I spend time on their computers there. I harvest my crops on Farmville and enjoy being there.

Here's another picture, it's a pair of really pretty earrings that a co-worker gave me. Her name is Norma. She's in love with earrings, wears a pretty pair to work every day. These I really liked and she gave them to me. Seriously, she's nice.

I made a budget today. My mother offered to help me with my bills if I get laid off.

food $200
car insurance $65
gasoline $80
cell phone $65
internet $9.95
gym $20
shampoo & stuff $20
clothes $50
telephone $35
miscellaneous $50

This is the bare minimum, without working. If I work, the drive to and from work causes the gas to go up by an extra $80 per month.

This morning I made my Pillsbury apple turnovers, with coffee. I've been eating only salads lately. And I just had to have something sweet in the morning.

Other than this, I've just been doing the work-home-sleep, work-home-sleep routine. I did register for summer school though. I'll have to petition my course though. It's one I need for my AA in Interdisciplinary studies with an Emphasis on Human Expression. It seems that I've had so many writing courses, that I can actually get 2 degrees instead of just my one AA in Graphic Art.

Scuttlebutt

2011-05-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while I was taking a bath, I thought of something good to blog about. But then today I forgot what that was. I come up with some interesting ideas when I am in the bubble bath, yes.

It's raining out this morning.

My job seems to be getting busier. But the word around the office is that we will be finished with this project on June 3rd. Is that what scuttlebutt means? More scuttlebutt is that we may be getting a 3-year project. But it hasn't been finalized yet. And if we do get that, it won't be with the County. It'll be another company in Orange County. I asked Armen if we will be working past the end of May. He said he won't know until the end of this month, May. And then I asked him if he has any brothers or cousins who are single. He didn't say anything, I guess that's a "no". But he blushed. Armen is our Production Manager, he's from Armenia.

Yes those mid Eastern men are hard working, money makers. I went to see my Egyptian mechanic yesterday. My car needs brakes and a smog. And the brake light was on in my dashboard, along with no brake lights. So he fixed everything. But I will need to go back in a few weeks for the other stuff. While I waited for my turn in his new lobby waiting area, which is totally remodeled, I took pictures of him and videoed him with my cell camera phone. He figured out that I was taking pics of him too. I was trying to be sly.

I bought a new digital camera, but it stopped working. I should have gotten one off ebay or Craigs List. I'd really like to be able to post pics on my blogs. I think that the reason I don't write in this blog much now, is that my keyboard and everything is literally on the floor, it's hard to sit cross-legged for hours at at time.

My kitty Nala is walking around me while I sit on my floor and write. I love her a whole lot. She is a talker. She meows a lot. She's been getting onto the bed with me lately too, and cuddling. I'm surprised by how she's taken to living in an apartment and being an "inside cat". Considering that she was living in a forest not too long ago.

My apartment is pretty much furniture-less. Except for my air mattress, which I love. I wish I'd discovered air mattresses a long time ago. I've been buying a few clothes and things here-and-there at Goodwill. I can find cute dresses there every once in a while. And I'd really like to get my sewing machine back, at least one of them.

And I've been grocery shopping at Wal-Mart.

Yesterday was the Bethany fashion show. More scuttlebutt is that it was awful this year. The food was terrible, it was cold and windy. They seem to get worse every year. I didn't go, and was glad to stay away from there. I feel like a lab rat when I attend those functions. I'm curious to hear the gossip though. A friend of mine did attend, and she texted me while she was there. I hope I hear from her today.

I want to say more, so I will. The thinking that the staff at Bethany have, is that they are some sort of superior shelter. When they just aren't. In short, there isn't anything to be bragging about, when it comes to shelters of any kind. All one has to do is to have a conversation with their "case manager", and it becomes clear. It's really just all about egos. Bethany isn't about helping women. Bethany is all about the egos of the staff, and the appearance of it. I was reading their "mission statement" on their blog. It says their mission is to "guide, "challenge" and empower women. And they quoted statistics too. But they made generalizations, saying "the County of Orange says", and then some numbers that are supposed to be statistics on the numbers of people without a place to live, in Orange County. And it also says something about "the reason Bethany exists", and more lies. The reason that Bethany exists, is to justify the existence of the nuns, and to give them a reason for being there.

Two weeks ago I emailed them about the content of their blog. I disagreed with their thinking that we need to be "challenged". Considering everything that we've been through. And I said that there was nothing challenging about Bethany. A friend of mine said the only challenging part about being there, was dealing with the cuckoos who they allow to live there.

As I write this, I sit in my warm and cozy apartment, which I pay rent to live in. And thankful that I pulled it together as quick as I did, after moving back here from the high Sierras. My mother is who helped me, mostly my mother. And that's how it should be.

I don't believe that people should have to go look for help from people everywhere, and outside of their families. I think that families should help each other and stick together. What I wouldn't give for a real family, with at least one sibling who I am completely related to. I have no fully related siblings. I have a half sister and brother. And step siblings. It must feel good to have family, real family who are there for one another, all of the time.

My brother is coming to visit next month. He's driving out here with his motor-home to sell it. Who is my brother? He's the only sibling I have really. We have the same biological mother, but not the same father. Even though we were raised by the same parents. He is blood related to my father, while I'm not.

I sleep in on weekends, and take long hot baths too. I get up at 5 a.m. on weekdays, that's why. Last week I found Alice Hoffman's latest novel, The Red Garden . It was a 7-day loan. So I had just seven days to read it. I couldn't really enjoy it in the length of time that I had to read it. I'll have to go and get it again, and read it slowly. She's my favorite author. I wait for her books to come out every year. This one was good, as all of them are.

The city library is really close by too. On the way there yesterday I passed a yard sale. I spotted some beach chairs. So later I went back and bought two. I wanted them because the women at work carry them in the trunks of their cars, and take them out and set up in the shade of the parking lot at work during lunch. I bought one for $5 and a larger one for $10 at the yard sale. The larger one seats two, and it's green. I imagined using it at the beach this summer. Now all I need is an umbrella to stick into the sand. The way that we used to do when I was a small child, at Seal Beach.

What A Homebody I Am

2011-04-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

I took the entire weekend off. I didn't go in and work yesterday. I need my two-day weekends. And I've been a homebody for most of the time. It's Easter Sunday today. And guess what? I'm not going anywhere! I love staying home in my tiny little apartment, with my kitty. I have everything I need now. I tried sleeping in late, got up at around 8:45, with Nala crawling all over me meowing, like she is now. She's wanting to go out like she used to in the forest. But we can't, we don't live in the forest any more. It's raining right now, an even better reason to stay home.

Yesterday I worked on my website. I think I haven't done this in quite a while. I have an Easterpage. Today I woke up and thought "what do I want to do today? I want to work in my website some more." And I will I think. I used to do this a lot, just surf the net looking for graphics and ideas for my website. I'm going to go back to the mystical fairy style again, like it used to be. I think it needs some new backgrounds.

Yesterday I also put together a little vacuum I have. A girl who moved out of these apartments gave it to me when she moved out. Along with a fridge and a microwave. The vacuum is so perfect. It's a tiny little Dirt Devil. I thought it would be really complicated to put together, but it wasn't. I think I've written about this before....I've come to realize that I can live with way less stuff than I ever thought. I've even managed to get a bag of clothes to donate.

I took care of a few things this week, going to the doctor and getting my lab-work done. To find out that my thyroid is okay. But that my cholesterol is a little higher than normal. And my doctor said that is I loose weight it'll get rid of that. So I'll be going back to see her in 3 months to get on a plan for losing weight. I have no idea how I'll be able to loose weight, I love eating too much. Nevertheless, I am okay. So I can assume that the hot flashes that I have every day at work are just that, hot flashes. Originally the doctor thought it was my thyroid, but now I know, it's the "change-of-life". Ah well, just what I need, another change.

Another issue I took care of, I called Larry. He's the guy up north who I had to get away from in a hurry. I don't know if I already wrote about this, but I called him Monday. He said he still has my belongings all wrapped up and in the basement. And that the bunnies are okay, running loose in the back area where the horses would normally be, but he has no horses. He's coming here to O.C. in June, but flying, so he won't be able to bring my stuff. But he promised that he would. We talked about other stuff too, but it's all irrelevant.

I read a good book too, by Louise Erdrich, called Shadow Tag. At the end the parents both drown and leave 3 kids to fend for themselves. I'm reading the author's other books too.

And I'm not sure if I wrote about this yet either, but about 3 weeks ago the manager of my apartments taped a 3-day notice on my door. It said that I owe $304. When I went down to ask her about it, she said that I still owe $154. And the rest was late charges. One doesn't have to have a Phd to know how upset I was. I kept all of my move-in receipts. And a few days later on a Saturday, I went in and cleared it up. They'd applied one of my money orders to another person's rent. So it really pays to keep receipts, especially the ones having to do with housing. And yet, I still don't trust people. I always expect that people are tying to steal from me and rip me off, thinking that I will take it. And then they are so surprised to find out that I am smarter than that. I tend to expect that others aren't honest.

I've been feeling a little irritated at work. And I wonder if I'm not trying to self-sabotage myself. I'm watchful of this, the self-sabotage. Now that I am aware of it, I can check myself. I feel good other than that though. I'm way less stressed out, living here in my old town where I grew up. I guess I feel "safe" here. I know my way around.

My mother and I are getting along now, hopefully it'll stay this way forever. Life is much peaceful with a mother in my life. She's on vacation on warm and sunny Arizona. She's painting in acrylics and she sends me her pictures. Her blog is called Vivid Art. I've grown to find out that I don't need a father, but a mother, yes.

Now I Can Write

2011-04-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today it sprinkled. I took the day off in order to go and get blood-work done. That is, I had my blood taken. My doctor thinks there's something going on with my thyroid. So I guess we will find out now if there is. I've been putting it off for 3 months now, because I hate being poked in my veins. Now I have a huge black and blue spot on the inside of my left arm. Gross!

After my appointment I came home and made something to eat. I made some hash browns and baked my cherry turnovers and made coffee. Then I did some shopping. I went to Wal-Mart for food. And then to TJ Maxx. I found the cutest long, cotton summer dresses for like $15. So I could not pass them up. I used to work there are TJ Maxx. And they don't have layaway any more. So I had to buy them today. I let it go. Because I have money in savings. And I wanted to get something cute, and new. Instead of always going to Goodwill.

I've been so busy that I just do not want to write or even blog. I work and work. I get to work at like 7 a.m. and lately work on Saturdays. But I've gotten really overwhelmed and exhausted doing this. I think from now on I won't work Saturdays. A lot of the other employees don't. So I'm going to give myself the weekends off again. Yesterday I was sick, with a headache and dizziness. My brother and mother both think it's from working too much. I tend to ignore physical symptoms like that. There have been times when I've been sick with sore throat and totally feeling bad, and still do not realize that I am sick. I have no idea why I do that.

After I got everything done I called Larry. He's the meanie up north who drove me away from the beautiful forest home where I'd been hoping to live and work. I don't know how or why I did that. I just did it. I was really pissed off for a long time. The bunnies are all okay. And that was a good thing to hear. He said that they're running loose in the back. And there are wild bunnies out there too.
We got to talking and he told me he'd been in trouble for vandalizing. I asked him what. He said some guy threw a bar stool into the fireplace at the lodge bar and grill and so he went and found the guy's truck and slashed his tires. But it was recorded on a camera. He said he has a felony and has to still go to court on it. He also told me his business "took a shit this year". I thought it weird, I told him. Since The Kirkwood Inn was going strong. He tried telling me there was no snow. And I know that isn't true either. Since my next-door-neighbors have told me that the snow level was up past the second floor. It sounds bad for him, I'm not surprised either. I actually told him something like "you need to get your anger under control". Or maybe it was "your okay when your drunk, it's when you aren't drinking that your mean", Either one of those statements is true. I may have said both of them.
The good part is that he's over it all, between us. And he has all my stuff all wrapped up in the basement. And still said he'd bring it down. He's coming here in June, but flying. I gave him my numbers for when I does make it here. He mentioned that it was weird how I ended up back in the city where I am now living. It's home I told him.

I've been keeping in touch with Wade and Amy. They were my friends who lived next door to me. I think Amy will be taking a vacation once the snow melts and the season is over. I offered to have her here with me, for a visit.

I guess I still feel a loss for having to leave the rural country life. I will go back one day.

Work, Work and More Work

2011-03-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not complaining or anything. But I am so busy at work, I had some overtime this last week too. Where do I work you ask, at the local social services office. And it's gotten so busy. The company I work for is hiring 60 new people. And created a night shift to get all of the work done. And I am training some of them. Needless to say, my weekends are sacred now. I need rest. I got sick Friday with another bug. I am sure it's going around now. By the time I made it home Friday, I felt like I'd been run over by a train. Today I feel just a bit better.

I don't write much anymore. But it's all okay. I spend time doing things to help me unwind, like Farmville on Facebook. Those of you who don't know what that is, well, you can go and get your own farm. It's fun.

Yeah, my life gets boring when I work full time. And that's alright too. Oh also, my mother has been really kind, for a while now. She hasn't done her typical "door slam". And I hope this stays this way. When she's kinder, I am not as....I don't know. I just feel better when I have a mother in my life. It's just that way.

It's been raining too. I'm like okay with the rain. After living way up in the high Sierras, rain is nothing to me. I still think about how beautiful it was up there. And I know that my cat Nala thinks we will maybe go back there one day. And I miss my bunnies, especially Priti. I know I write that in every blog post, but it's true.

Today I went out and got groceries at Wal-Mart, the zoo. And I did so sparingly, with my money that is. I spared every cent I could. I do the generic thing now. I even found some generic soy milk. I'll try and and see how I like it.

That's about it for now, nothing dramatic happening. I guess I want to keep things this way. But it doesn't make for very good blogging.

What I Don't Buy

2011-03-12T16:05:00.000-08:00

Today, after I got my new haircut and style at Regis in the mall, I walked through some of the mall and didn't buy a few things. Even as I type this, it sounds weird to me. Is it because of the grammar, or because I actually saw some things I wanted, but didn't buy?

Oh I have to add, that my hair looks really good now too. It always looks better when the stylist does it.

Okay anyway, after I paid the price for that good haircut, I went around and did some window shopping. I ended up in Bath & Body Works, so fun. Everybody knows that this store has really nice lotions, facial products, shampoos and the works. I spent a lot of minutes in there. I almost bought a tea tree face mask, because they have a buy-3-and-get-2-free sale. And I looked at the prices. I thought "really?", what's in these? And how can they charge this much for this stuff? I kept thinking....Avon. So I just sprayed some Cherry Blossom perfume on myself and sniffed some other stuff, and pretended to want to buy something, and then left.

I made my way over to Macy's. Because they always have really pretty dresses. And the juniors section always has way cuter clothes than the adult women section. As I looked around I saw a few other adult woman shopping, like me. And they were also trying on clothes. I found 2 cute cotton spring, floor length dresses, with the ruffles and the paneled skirts. Ya, the ones that I love to wear. I found X-Large sizes and I seriously wanted one I also found and tried on, that was the polyester type of fabric, which hangs better on the body than the pure cotton does. But the one that I almost bought was the white cotton, long dress, with spaghetti straps. They all had spaghetti straps. But the white one was on sale for $19.99. That was hard to pass up, bit I did. I didn't buy any of them. The other 2 were $54. I thought that all 3 of them didn't really blow my mind, or I would have bought one. I know exactly what I want, and I didn't find it today. So I put them all back and left. It was hard, but I did it. I kept telling myself "I will thank me in the morning".

On my way home I went to the 99 Cent Store. I bought 2 boxes of Chinese Almond cookies, water, tuna for Nala, Ibuprofin and bleach. And then I went to an over-priced Chinese place next door and paid too much for what-was-supposed-to-be sweet and sour pork. I'll never do that again. The Chinese place that is.

I was just going over in my mind, the conversation that I had with Bernie this morning. I used to call her on Saturday mornings, when I lived in Orange, on her Bethany weekends. So I did this morning, as I was having my coffee and a strudel. She sounded different. Different in a not good way. And our conversations aren't like before. I couldn't help but wonder if she saw my survey that I completed, the one that Bethany sent me and others from their graduate list. She just sounded sort of subdued or something. And I felt uncomfortable talking to her. I recall her saying "89 percent of the graduates are grateful to be here". As if I wasn't "grateful" enough for them. Maybe they should try some gratefulness. They should be grateful that they do not take homeless women, right from the streets. The ones who are the chronically homeless. I wonder how they'd fair then? They would not be able to handle that. Be grateful Bethany staff, that you do not have to really help the homeless population, in the way that the real homeless shelters help. Because your 6 people that you help at a time, would have to increase to 60. Except on the holidays, there would be more.

This really gets me going. Mostly because they (the Bethany staff, including the nuns), have no idea what really goes on out here in the real world. Their unrealistic expectations of how we all should just feel grateful, are just that, unrealistic expectations. And they are out-of-the-loop about what goes on in the real homeless shelters. They'd stop making their self-proclaimed label of being the "finishing school of shelters". It's overwhelming, having to go through that experience. So why don't they just knock if off? The only thing that I am grateful for, is having my own place and a job. I don't have to feel grateful for anybody, for anything, except what I feel grateful for. And it certainly isn't them.

Alright, there was my rant.

Now for the rest of the weekend I can relax. I thought about going to Borders and buying a new sketchbook. Since my other one is left up in the mountains still. And then I can do some sketching. I think they cost $20. But then I need my sketching pencils too. And tonight I will go to Wal-Mart do do my weekly shopping for work lunch food. That store is too crowded during the days. I want to buy some nail polish too. Seriously, everything is up there, left behind in my hurry to leave. It's like I'm starting over. What I really want to buy, is a digital camera and a laptop. I've been seeing laptops at the Goodwill lately. There's a Goodwill right around the corner from where I work.

As I type this, on a cardboard box, my kid Nala is laying stretched out on her back, sound asleep. She's a huge cat now.She knows what the words "tuna" and "are you hungry?" mean. And she used to know what the word "mousie" meant. I bet that if I go and buy her some new mouse toys, she'd remember.

I think of my bunnies a lot. And the way that Pinkie used to do her binkies. And how Priti used to look at me with her little eyes, and lie on my bed. In case nobody knows what a binkie is, it's when bunnies hop up into the air, when they're happy. It's the cutest thing. Pinkie used to do it a lot. Priti too, but not as much as Pinkie. And the way that they used to make their grunting noises, especially Pinkie as she chased Nala around at her heals, trying to bite her. I think I was more attached to Priti. She was the stray I found on my patio. I'd take her back if I could. I hope that she's still alive and happy.

Work is getting busier. We have so much work now, more than last year. That the company has decided to hire 60 more people, and create another shift. That shift will start at 3 p.m. and go until midnight or so. We started overtime Thursday. So I get up at 4:45 a.m. and get to work at 7 a.m. I was tired yesterday, as was everyone else. It's hard to imagine that there's still the bad economy when there's so much work at the welfare office. That's where I work.

I've been talking to my good friend Joan a lot lately. She's so smart. She explained to me, how I allow people to abuse and be mean to me, and basically use me. And I don't listen to my own inner voice telling me that in the first place. And I allow myself to go back and allow these people to use me again, because I don't trust my own instincts. I wonder why I do that.

New Telephone, No Drama

2011-03-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

As I sit here trying to think of a title for this blog post, I cannot find one. So I'll just write and see what comes up. Today is a Sunday. I didn't go out, except to dump my trash and put the one load of laundry in to wash and dry. Exciting huh? It's okay though. At least I have no drama. I kind of like hanging out here in my tiny apartment, with my Internet and my kitty Nala. I got my telephone connected yesterday. I chose Time Warner instead of Verizon. Don't ask me, I'll start up about the horrible Verizon Telephone company. And I want today to be peaceful.

I realize that I am a "co-dependent" person. I am not totally sure of what that all means, but I seem to allow people to take advantage of me and be mean to me. While I think that I am helping them. But they are really taking me for granted. The person I allow to do that to me the most is a black woman named Kristie. Yeah, I guess that when she asks me for help, I feel badly for her. And then the drama starts up with her. But yesterday and last night I saw it for what it really was, drama and a very unhealthy woman, who I thought was a friend. I learned something....that education and emotional maturity have nothing to do with one another.

My good friend Joan thinks that I hang around unhealthy people for the anger it stirs up in me. And so that I can talk about it to others.. And so that I can feel better about myself and say "wow at least I am not as fucked up as they are!" It's true. But yesterday I got tired of it.

The fun part of yesterday was that we took a trip to the Goodwill, two stores. I found cute tops and 2 dresses and a coffee cup. I always (and I do mean always) find something really nice there at that thrift store.

Okay, now I am going to be mean and honest; Hey Kristie, it's okay that you were a crackhead and had your son taken away from you by the government. And that you are an angry woman who loves drama. It's okay, but I'm done. I'm done talking to you on the phone. I am done listening to your advice (because your advice is always bad advice). And I am done driving you around. You can from now now, ask your good friends to help you. I'm going back to being the bitch that I always was.

Since I have no television I've read about five novels in the month and 2 weeks or so that I've been living here. I told myself and my mother that I wouldn't isolate here, by staying home playing on Facebook and my computer. And I am going to keep that promise. I'm gonna buy a laptop. They have them at Goodwill. And I'll be able to take it everywhere there's Wi-fi. I found a new good female author by the name of Michelle Huneven. Blame

I did my taxes last Thursday. Federal is giving me back $1343. and State $201. Most of it is going into savings. I paid my rent yesterday too. And I mailed out money in St. Patricks Day cards. It's money that I owed people. I still owe more. But I'm making dents in what I owe.

I registered for college this morning. And I did my Federal FAFSA form online too. Now I just need to get my transcripts from my other school.

Right this minute I'm boiling eggs for lunch. An egg sandwich sounds good. I had a salad to keep my promise to myself to eat one a day. But I seriously didn't like it. I'm just not much of a salad maker or eater. I have almost nothing here as far as belongings. And I feel good about it. It's like I feel lighter without my things. And I don't really need so much stuff to live and be happy. I think that I am going to try and decorate in Mary Englebreit. I totally love that kind of art and her cups and the fabric patterns she has.

Work is going along okay. I use up at least $60 of gas per week.

I love my kitty Nala. She's so cute and loves me back so much. I think about the bunnies I used to have, a lot. Mostly I remember Priti. And how she used to look at me and how soft their fur was. And I wonder if they are both okay, if they are being cared for and if they were warm during the winter. It's still winter up there in Nevada where they live. And every day I think about them. I'm almost to the point of calling there to see.

tootles.

My Valentine's Day Page

2011-02-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

I think one of the funnest hobbies or interests I've learned in the last several years, is to make web pages. And last week, or this recent week, was a day called Valentine's Day. And since I have nobody (that is, no significant other) I decided to make a new webpage for my site. It's my Bunny Love Valentine page.I combined my love of bunnies with the day of love. It's not a complicated page, it's simple.

The thing of what I love about creating webpages is that I can go back and change them around. And I think I've changed my website a dozen times or so. I used to have a lot of links to other sites. But after being in a few design courses I realized that I should just create my own art and just have that on my site. My Valentines Day page isn't like that though. Just look and see.

So it's a 3-day weekend for me. I always like to make Saturdays my "do-nothing-day" or "do-whatever-day". So I kinda hung around my place this morning having my orange cinnamon rolls with coffee. And Nala too was there. I took a hot bath. And I went to the library to get on Facebook and water my flowers in Fairyland, feed my virtual puppies in Farmville, and harvest my crops in CountryLife. Oh and I bought some squirrels in CountryLife too. And I could not forget to sell my wool sweaters, jam and bread and cheese in CountryLife. And of course I had to harvest the eggs and other commodities in Farmville. That makes for a busy day already! And I checked out new fiction novels at the library.

This recent Monday at work, Jerry came and had a meeting with Mike and Armin. We all found out that there will be another shift added to the workload. So we are all hoping (we as in those who want to work more), that the company will have more work for us when this project is finished. Both Jerry and Armin both said "hopefully" when I ask them about more work in June. So really, this time it looks promising. This year I am looking forward to lots of money and a productive year. I think everybody is hoping for this also.

My life seems a lot more manageable now. I have totally noticed that I am not getting irritable. I'm not as shy and feel way less depressed. And just feel different. I'm thinking I can now take care of things better than I used to. I'm also staying away from Bethany. It's a sad but true fact, that hanging around the people over there really got me feeling sad and mad.

We all got paid too, this week, and what a surprise. I say that because it was a larger amount than I had inticipated. So I stopped at Big Lots on the way home, in the pouring rain. I bought Nala a new litter box. (I call it her poopoo box). She likes it too. And I bought a few things for my new place, stuff like a trash can and some chips. For some reason I like to munch on potato chips while I'm driving. So I did that too on the way home.

In a way I'm glad that I don't have all of my belongings with me yet. They are all up north still. And I have so much stuff that it won't all fit in this little studio apartment. I notice too, that there isn't a carport storage for me, when I park my car. I wonder, do I have one? Becuase if so, I may be able to put my stuff in it. I don't even have a phone jack where I live. I think that's weird, that people actually live without a home phone. I just want one. Not just for my Internet, but because the connection sounds a lot better than my cell.

It rained most of yesterday and last night. And it was raining again today. I'm all ready for the wet weather too. Because I have my Eddie Bauer down parka and my snow boots. And of course lots of hats and scarves and mittens. This was common dress code up in the high Sierras and Kirkwood. Yea it's cold up there right now. I think it's around 10 degrees.

Can I Smile Yet?

2011-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

I know, I've never needed to ask permission for anything else. So why would I say that? Can I smile yet? It's because things in my life are going so well now, that I am just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. I am working full time. I have my apartment now (and it's cheap). I have my kitty. My mother and I are getting along well. My car is running good. Need I say more? But I am still fearful that something will happen, something will go wrong.

Lately I've been taking Zoloft too. And I don't feel anywhere near as anxious as I used to, for so long. And I know this sounds weird, but I am not as self-conscious either. I used to hate going out in public. My anger seems to have abated. And that feels a lot better.

I'm at the library playing Farmville as I write this. Yes, my life is boring now. This is what happens when I am happy, I feel bored. But bored is better than anything else I've done for a few weeks now.

I keep in touch with my old next-door-neighbors in Kirkwood. It's been cold and snowing there. Snow is still on the ground, and kirkwood Inn is very busy with reservations. Amy and I text each other a lot. They were nice friends to have up there in the isolated forest. I hope to go back one day, at least to get my things.

I've been a little sick with some bug that's been going around. But I went to see a super good doctor who my mother referred me to. She gave me strong antibiotics and my sore throat is gone. And I've been sleeping good too.

Lately I've been calling my kitty Nala "feral kitty". And she seems to know what it means. This is because the woman Denise who was babysitting Nala, said that she's a "feral cat". But she isn't. So I get down on my hands and knees and crawl after her saying "feral kitty, feral kitty". She walks sideways, meows and the fur on her back and tail get fluffy. Sometimes she even bites me when I say that to her.

I got a fridge and a microwave and a vacuum too, all for free! A girl who moved out gave them to me. So now I have a few things. It's weird, how difficult life is without the bare necessities. And of course, even weirder without a roof over one's head. Now if I could just get a bed and a telephone line. Life would be great, even better.

Last Tuesday, the telephone company guy came to my place to install the phone jack. Believe it or not, there isn't a phone jack in my apartment. But he didn't install it, because the manager was not there to give him permission. So when I arrived home, Nala was hiding under a quilt. She'd been there the entire day afraid. I knew because none of her food had been eaten. And since then she's been standoffish towards me. I feel bad. She's afraid that someone will take her away again.

I had a library book to return back to the Long Beach library in Belmont Shores. So I drove all the way out there today. There was an arts and crafts fair happening. I'd have stayed and walked around, but I have no money to spend. I thought I'd take a few pics with my cell phone and send them to Amy. But I didn't. I came back to the sleepy little town of where I live.

Last week I recieved a survey from Bethany, in my email. Needless to say I put them on blast. I guess this is revenge for how badly they abandonded me when I was having such a hard time. Really! They are throwing a "recognition luncheon" for one of their alcoholic-drug-addict old residents Lisa. I think they even paid for her to be in rehab for three years. This I cannot take. They even paid for her to get her teeth fixed. And they are paying for her to have her hair done, buying her clothes and writing a speech for her. So that she can speak about her experience and how much Bethany has helped her. The audience will be their millionare donors. Yea I know, they want to see where their money is going when they give it to the sisters of St. Josephs. Of course they do. But I can't stand the way that Bethany and sister Louise reward the Susies and the Lisas. Lisa has never been successful finding a job or a place to live, in their own words. So they feel this need to prop her up, pay for everything. This they've been doing while I struggle to survive. It seems that one must be a druggie or an alcoholic for them to help. It isn't a secret that Lisa has spent her life chasing men and drinking. I know some would like to say to me..."well wouldn't you want them to help you if you were a drug addict or alcoholic"? But that's the point, I'm not. And what's really funny is that I wasn't supposed to know about it. But I found out. And apparently sister Louise is mad about that too. Ah well, who the hell cares? Not I.

Like my mother says, the best revenge is to do well. (Or is it live well?)

I hope I don't sound as if I spend my time "neurosing" about what other people do, I don't. It's just that I feel abandonded by them, when I had to come back from up north. And I was treated very mean by them, when I called them for help. I thought, maybe if I was a drug addict, alcoholic, criminal, then they'd be able to feel sorry for me. Screw that.

Speaking of neurosing over other people....I had a date with an old guy friend from high school, 2 Fridays ago. He spent, I'd say, 85% of the time talking about his x-wife. He knows way too much about her. And maybe the other 15% of the time, talking about the twenty-four year olds he boinks. Sad but true.

I have a job to go to tomorrow. And a place where I am happy in my life. It's all I care about really.

Before I Go Back To Work

2011-02-01T10:19:00.000-08:00

I guess I am kind of irritated because I have no Internet at home. So I have to go to the library just to get my email and write in my blog and go on Facebook. But not so irritated that I cannot be thankful for the good things I have.

My little apartment is starting to come together. Even though I have no bed still. But tonight I'm getting my fridge from another tenant who is moving out, and a microwave too . I talked to the maintenence guy this morning. And he'll move it for me tonight after 5. I guess he can't do it during his working hours. He came in to my place to see if there was a phone jack, and there isn't. So they have to pay for one to be installed. That costs $95. Seriously expensive Verizon stuff. But that's the telephone company in my area.

Yesterday I went to a doctor who my mother referred me to. She's a good M.D. I thought that maybe after all I've been through, that I was having panic attacks because of hormonal changes. But I am not too sure of that. She prescribed zoloft for me. I read the paperwork that comes with it. It seems to be a kind of anti-depression, anti-PTSD, and lots of other things that it helps with. The paperwork says that it even handles PMS. But the pharmacy technician says that it won't work for a month. That I won't feel anything for the first 30 days. And after that I will "feel better" and "be clear-headed".

The thing that keeps happening to me which scares me so much, is that I continually think that I lost something or have left a belonging somewhere. Like just yesterday as I was walking out of Wal-Mart I had this thought that I'd left my Eddie Bauer down jacket inside the store. For a minute I stopped in my tracks and remembered that I'd left it in my car. And every day I loose track of something, but then find it right where I'd left it. But what happened before, was that when I had these thoughts that I'd lost something, I went into panic mode. And I'd completely freak out. But yesterday I didn't do the freak out thing. But these things happen without warning. I'll just be walking along and/or going about my day, and then bam! I think that I left something somewhere, and I didn't, later to find out, it's where I left it. But this feeling that I've lost something comes over me and freaks me out. I can describe it, it's intense fear and then anger and then helplessness.

Last week, my therapist Marlyn told me that I am probably depressed. And that being irritable was a symptom. Also that since my sleep patterns aren't normal, that was also an indicator. I told the doctor that I've been depressed pretty much all of my life. I called it a "low grade depression". She asked me during the exam "so you've been depressed all of your life and nobody helped you?" Yes that's right I told her. I think that's called "neglect".

My mother is so helpful now. Now that we do not live near each other. I came here to the library to scan some of the greeting cards I've received lately, 3 of them from her. And I was gonna post them all here. But there aren't any more scanners here like before. Anyway, my mom seems to have been able to give me more help than I expected. And this is good, because a few people have turned their cheeks to me. I won't use the word "abandonded", but it kind of feels this way. And my mother hasn't, when before she would have.

Often I feel grateful, that my mother did not allow me to be placed for adoption. Because as I recall, she was very young when I was born. And I remember her telling me that she fought with my grandparents in order to keep me.

So I tried downloading the pictures of the chickens my mom has, but these computers will not allow me to go into the "My Computer" icon. Another reason I want my computer connected at home.

After the doctor's office, I went to the local Goodwill and finally bought a used coffee maker. That was after I went to fill my prescription. I remembered that, in the Wal-Mart in Carson City Nevada, they had Pillsbury apple turnovers. And that they had self checkout cash registers. But not here in this Wal-Mart. I also bought a pair of really cool black platform boots for $5, at the Goodwill. And then I went across the street to the 99 Cent Store and got coffee filters and a baking pan.

This morning I got to have my morning brewed coffee and my apple turnovers for breakfast. I've made myself a personal agreement to eat one salad per day. Not just a salad, I'll eat other food too. But I am trying to learn better eating habits. So I've had a salad a day, since I moved to my apartment. It's just kind of difficult to do that, with no fridge to store food in.

Nala my kitty is more cuddly than before all of this moving around stuff happened. Last night she was sleeping really soundly next to me. I woke up in the middle of the night (one of the side-effects of the pills I take now), and she had moved her ladybug toy into the area where I sleep. And it was laying right next to my head. I wonder what she was thinking when she did that. It's the second time she's done that since we moved there. She likes to come over to me and let out a little meow. And then I tell her to lay down, and she does. She seems like she's glad to be near me a lot. She's so precious.

I miss my bunnies and think of them often, and wonder about Priti. She was a one-person-bunny, just like Nala is a one-person-cat. They were both wild or feral when I found them. I wonder how Priti is surviving out there in Nevada. And I wonder if she's waiting for me to come and get her. It saddens me, that I had to give them up.

Today is my last free day before going back to work, tomorrow. But I am believe it or not, looking forward to it. I'll be working at the Social Services office again. It's the same exact project, same work, same place, same setup the manager says. Most of the same people as before will be working again, with a few new ones.

I feel kind of at home in the city I now live in. I grew up there, living there for most of my life. We (the family that once was), lived in La Habra Heights. We lived in La Habra all through my junior high and high school years. I went to one year of junior high at the Olive Vista junior high in Sylmar. Before that it was one year of 6th grade at a "public" school. And then before that it was Catholic school. Anyway, I feel at home in the sleepy little town of La Habra. It makes sense too. Even the same librarians still work in the local library.

Today I need to do at least 2 loads of laundry. I've been putting it off, kind of taking a little break from everything while not working. But today I will do some. I even bought that laundry card that lots of places now use. You put cash on it, and use it in the machines. I still have an old one with money on it.

A few days after I moved, my x-friend Larry, up north in Kirkwood (yeah the alcoholic maniac who moved me up north to work for him), sent me a large envelope with all my mail in it. I'm surprised that he held it for that long. But there was also a note listing all of the things that he thinks I owe him money for. I was going to scan that too and put it on this blog post. The other day, Judy called him to inquire about my belongings he still has. But when she said my name, he hung up on her. I dunno, I am going to leave it alone for a few months. My old friend Jyl has offered to bring my things back with her in her camper, this summer when she goes to Tahoe to visit her nephew. I seriously cannot even imagine allowing Larry into my apartment, if he ever does bring my things back here.

Oh and one more good thing I can be grateful for; cell phones. I bought a new cell phone at Target. I don't know which store I like best, Target or Frys. Usually I get free cell phones by calling the cell carrier and ordering over the phone. But this time I did it differently. I went into Target and found free phones, if you sign up for the contract. So I got T-Mobile, since my mother had that carrier. Free mobile to mobile minutes are great. I got the little Samsung what has everything, even the web if I want it.

In Case There's A Fire.....

2011-01-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I moved into my apartment yesterday morning. I think I got there to the office at around like.....9:00 a.m. My window is directly across the street from the city fire department. And next to that, almost directly across the street, is the Catholic Church where I made my Confirmation. Don't ask me what that means. I'm not too sure what it really is about. I know now that just in case there is a fire, the firemen can run across the street with the hoses. And just in case I need to go to church, I can just walk across the street.

With the help of my mother's friend Denise and my mother also (who helped me with the pet deposit), I got my cat last night too. She's starved for affection and has been meowing a lot. She seems happy though. But she seems to have another case of worms. Seriously, I just took her to the vet last summer. She had to doctor's visits which cost me $50 for her shots. That is $50 each visit. And now she has them again.

My apartment in on the 3rd floor and very very tiny. There is like no closet space at all. So in a way, it's a good thing that I don't have all of my belongings. They are still up in Kirkwood. All I really need are clothes and a fridge and some food. The really good parts about living where I moved is 1) I know the area really well, lived there all through junior high and high school and after that. So it's familiar. 2) The manager and office woman named Mona, are really nice. And they both speak English. 3) It's close to both Fullerton and Cerritos Colleges. Oh and there is no phone jack inside my apartment, I looked for it. Mona said that they will pay for one if there isn't one. And I have my lanline setup to be connected on the 9th. Ya I know, a lot of people say "why" when I tell then I want a home phone. There's 2 reasons, 1)I need it for my Internet. 2) I like the way the phone connection sounds compared to cells. And 3, there are 3 reasons....I want one!

I have about a week before I start my job. And so have time to adjust and even look for a 2nd job. And maybe even get some sun by the pool. Today I need to go back to the shelter and pick up my laundry. (Yes they actually did our laundry for us there). And maybe there will be lunch there too.

One More Day of No-Privacy

2011-01-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I move to my apartment in the morning. So tonight is the last night that I will have to sleep in a room full of strangers, on the floor, on a mat. And I cannot wait to get to my place tomorrow, even though I have no fridge. And my phone will not be connected until February 12th. In the meantime, I have people and friends to keep me company and happy.

My mother has been such a help to me. Maybe all of these years I should have done what she said. But as everyone has told me, I am so stubborn.

So I've been driving around with my car full of my little bit of belongings, in bags and 2 suitcases. Yeah, it looks like I live out of my car, but I don't really. I go to my 24 Hour Fitness in the morning and shower again. We cannot shower in the morning where I am staying. So I re-shower again at the gym. And they also asked me if I want to take my membership off pause at the gym. I did, I said. So now I will have to go back to paying the $20 a month. But it's fine. What I do is pull up in the back and sit in my car, and write in my journal. And people pull up in their cars, park next to me. And I just know that they notice how full of stuff my car is. It's embarrassing.

So I just came over to WISE Place and went into the "closet" to get clothes for work. I happened to find a lot of stuff. Gloria said not to take a lot, and then I could come back next week, when she gives me more stuff for my apartment. And then I can get more clothes. Thanks Gloria!

And just a few minutes ago, Terri gave me a cute card with a bunny on it. And inside it has a gift card to the Corner Bakery. Her note says for me to have breakfast with it tomorrow, on my day of moving. I think I will.

I got a text from Mike last night. I guess it was a good-bye for him. I called it "the door slam". I was sitting there thinking, or trying to think, of what he actually has done for me. And I cannot come up with anything except...he took me to lunch 3 times. (And I had to let him kiss me good-bye). And he talked to me on the phone a lot, or allowed me to talk. So he has not really done anything. But his text said that he has "done" all that he can for me. It's okay though, because I'd already figured out that he wasn't "the one".

Today the library is closed. So I will have to maybe go find another one. I have a list of county libraries with me. It isn't even noon yet and I have nothing to do.

I think, just a week or so until I have my Nala kitty back in my arms. I lay awake at night, imagining her laying next to me on her back, the way that she does. And with her little arms up over her head, purring and looking up at me like she trusts me so much. I feel so lonely without her. And I just know that she is wondering where her mama is.

Counting The Days

2011-01-12T15:11:00.001-08:00

Um okay, I started listening to my mother and life got better. Funny how this works. But I am serious, I got the call I'd been waiting for. My apartment manager called to say I could move in on the 22nd. Yay! It's less than 2 weeks away! And just in time, because the drama where I live is unbearable.

I'm embarrassed to say, that I am living in a place where an x-convict woman was being allowed to pick pick pick at me about every little ridiculous thing. These people have absolutely nothing to do with their lives. So she was basically harrassing me until I could not stand it. So we had an altercation. But I then got to move back to the first house I'd been living in. And only Alvin the manager and another woman are there now. So it's quiet...mostly.

But all of this is going behind me now.

Today I temporarily gave my kitty Nala to my mother's friend Denise to keep her for me for a while. I could not stand to leave her there alone in that awful place, while I had to go out each day. She was unhappy there. Even though I was there with her, I could tell that she was suffering. So as soon as I move to my apartment and pay $300 cat deposit, I will go and get her back. She's in Lake Forest.

I am waiting for my manager or new boss to fax a letter of employment verificaton over to the apartments. He said he would last night, but today it was not on the fax. So the apartment manager Mona said she'd call him later in the week instead. So that we won't make him mad (just what I was thinking too).

I feel as if I am starting all over again, but in an even better place. I will be glad to be back in La Habra too. And my apartment is a studio. I saw it already. Even though I have no furniture or anything, I will be happy there. WISE Place is lending me a little bit of money, and so is my mother. The rest will be from my next unemployment check. It's only $699 to move in.

Mike's been really supportive too, even driving all the way to Long Beach where I live, to take me to lunch. And then today I met him for lunch too, in Anaheim. He keeps kissing me and I keep just letting him. But I have much on my mind now.

I'm sleeping on the floor, and so is everyone else. But guess what? I am not paying them any more rent money. So this is fine. I will even go to a shelter if I need to get away from there. But for now, I have a place for my stuff.

Oh yah, Larry said that he didn't think he'd be coming down here for a while. And he laughed about me not having my stuff for my apartment. I called him while I was with Mike, used his cell phone. He also told Mike that he had no reservations in his lodge, and business is very bad. Hmmm, I wonder why?

Oh and my old next-door-neighbor Wade called me back today. He's such a nice guy. And waaay cute. I love the way that he liked Nala so much. Yesterday he asked if I was not getting any cooperation from Larry, no I told him. So he's going to see if he can find someone else to bring my stuff down here.

I Don't Have Any Pictures But.......

2011-01-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

I've gotten a little bit more stable since I've returned from up north. Yep, the first thing I wanted to say is that I don't have the last roll of film that I took while I was living up there. I was so mad when I left my condo on that blizzardy day, with my kitty and my car full of clothes, that I threw it into the trash can as I walked out. What is sad is that I'd taken the best pictures I'd taken in the entire 3 months I'd been living there.

I don't have a computer where I live, so I will have to make this short. I got my old job back with the county. I start on February 1st. I found a studio apartment in La Habra, a city that I am familiar with. And I put down my $200 deposit 3 days ago. I also was granted unemployment again. I am now on my extension that pays quite a bit more than the other one that EDD placed me on in May last year.

I'm currently living as a temporary tenant in a house in Long Beach, which is a not-so-good area. There are cops eveywhere too. I pay $450 a month. I have a lot to say about the woman who's running this program, but have no time to write about it.

I am at WISE Place today. Gloria has helped me get things for my new place. Since I had to leave almost everything up north, to get away from Larry in such a huge hurry. And the staff here have helped me a lot. (something that I can't say about Bethany).

I started seeing my therapist Marlyn again. Yesterday was my birthday. I cried, I was so tired and stressed. I also now have a prepaid cell phone, Verizon. So since I can't blab on the cell now, I actually feel less stressed out.

I had lunch with my guy friend Mike Turner today. We ate at Watsons on the Circle of Orange. I cannot express how good it feels to be back in Orange. My life seemed brighter the day that I walked back into the Orange library, and they gave me back my library card, without having to pay a fee. Can anyone imagine, I actually threw it away while I lived up north, thinking that I'd never need to use it here again.

I know I have a lot of anger (pissedoffness) to work through. This Larry person is an abuser to say the least. My possessions are still there, up in the mountains. I want them back! I miss all my knick-knacks, my sewing machines and all of my cute little animal statues. Not to mention the rest of my clothes that I had to stuff into bags. Yesterday Judy called to tell me that Larry had called her, wanting my new address and phone number. She said he had mail for me, including 'some checks'. There aren't any checks, he's screwing with me, like he used to do. So mike is going to call him and let him know, or see what he wants.

Tonight we are having dinner at the house. I need to go and buy some cheddar cheese. Everyone seems to be okay with each other now. For some reason, when we all have 'house meetings' it clears the air. But there is a woman living in the room next to Jasmine and I, (Jasmine is my current roommate), who finds something to bother us about almost every day. And she watches over her food like a hungry hawk.

The thing that I dislike about my situation now, is that I don't like leaving my baby Nala home alone there. But the other day, when I arrived back there, she was laying on top of my clean laundry basket, in the clothes. She seems to know how to stay in the room when I'm gone out. And I miss her so much sometimes, like now, that I worry.

A good thing that's come from this, is that my mother had come through for me so much. She's been like a saint lately. And my brother, what can I say? I have a mother and a brother who both love me very much. I wish that they were closer geographically.

Back To Reality

2010-12-14T13:52:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately, my dream life up in northern California did not work out. After a few cold cold weeks, in blizzards. And then after getting told that I would have to work for free, in a job that was misrepresented by my old friend from high school, I left. And I left in a hurry too.

I guess that the beautiful country and mountain living was too much for me. I who needs more people around me, and a network of friends and social community-like atmosphere, did not expect the isolation to be so severe. But I was very isolated from everything. And I do mean everything, not just grocery stores and such. I had nobody around, except my next door neighbors.

So now I am back in sunny southern Californa, trying to get stabilized in a place and find another job. But it's warm. And I now know that the lifestyle was not for me, up there.

My Nala kitty isn't liking being ripped from her forest back yard area. I am in the process of trying to find a new place to live, and keep her too. I've had some success.

However, I am in a crowded women's shelter. And the owner is an intolerant woman, who doesn't want my cat there. But she does want my money.

Tomorrow I go and look at a room for rent in Long Beach. The ad says they will work with people. And the woman says I can help her with her web design she needs. So I will take what little money that I can get from a refund from this shelter, and give it to them. That is, if it is a safe place to live. I will find out tomorrow. I was referred to this place by a nice man who is a social worker for the county.

In the meantime, I am having panic attacks, feel depressed and disoriented. It's a familiar feeling too. Familiar and scary at the same time.

All I can say about the 'job' that I was thinking that I had, up north, is that I was expected to work under-the table. And that my 'boss' Larry failed to tell me that I'd be doing so much manual labor that I could not stand it. I was told that I'd be taking reservations, and have my own office. It was supposed to be administrative. But once he got me up there and began paying my rent, he seemed to start to want to control me. And then when I told him I wanted to be on a W-2, sign an I 9 form, and work like a normal employee, he wouldn't do that. Instead, began yelling at me and then simply not paying me, at all.

I left on a day between 2 storms. Driving out of the Alpine county, down an icy 88 highway with chains on. And a lot of stuff in my car, including Nala. She cried a lot, sometimes to herself in the back seat. My heart broke on the way home.

The Forest Is My Church

2010-11-10T14:00:00.001-08:00

As I drive down off the mountain, I take pictures of the countryside, including the precious animals that are so prevalent. These cows grazing are on the 88, going down to Carson. And of course there are lots of horses too.
Horses and cows need hay.

Before the blizzard two Sundays ago, I took a walk in the forest and snapped more pictures. As I walked into the thick trees I felt tears coming to my eyes, it was so beautiful. Silently I thanked God for making such a beautiful place. And for allowing me to live in it.

This picture is of Caples Lake, as you drive along the 88 on the way up to Kirkwood. I took the picture through the Apen trees.

This is one of the many many creeks around here. This one is again off the 88 in Carson Valley, on the drive into Nevada.

This is my beloved cat Nala, on the back porch. She's so happy.

I have lots more pictures soon, stop by and see the country side.

It's gotten a bit cold lately. And I hear it's gonna get lots colder too! I'm ready. They say that the snow will get 9 feet high outside.

I've been exploring lately, the surrounding areas. Today I took a drive out in Merkleeville and then went to the Woodford store and saw that there was a church right there too.
The store I think is owned by the man that works behind the counter. I guess he inspired me to write today. And I know that I'll be going back there often too. Because the little cafe that's inside it has really good prices. All of the area cafes and small places up and down the 88 are super high priced. they all seem to cater to the Bay area crowd. The next time that I go to Woodford, I'll take a picture. The weather allowed me to go out today.

On the highway 88, after Caples Lake and before Kirkwood Inn, there's an area of the road called "Pinball Ally". The sun never hits it. And it's icy when it snows. All weekend, people were piling up in car wrecks along there. I slid on it once. But now I know that area and respect it.

Work has been slow here. But again, I hear that everything is going to pick up as far as business.

It's Snowing!

2010-10-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I've been in the mountains, in my beautiful and serene forest home. My brother came to visit me. He drove here from Reno. He couldn't wait to come here to my mountain forest home. We got to hang out, eat, talk and he took lots and lots of pictures. I'll try and make captions of them as I post them. Some were snapped as we drove through the area. And some were taken out in back of my place. The one above was taken in the area behind the building where I live, on Kirkwood Meadow Drive, in back as we took a walk. Or like this one above, we drove around and he snapped some as the car was moving. This one is on the highway 88, coming from Merkleyville to Kirkwood. It's a 25 mile drive. And the scenery is more than beautiful. I can't think of words to describe it. This was also taken on the trip back from the small town of Merkleyville. The leaves are turning beautiful golden colors. Lots of cars were pulled over to the side of the road as drivers had their tripods and cameras out, walking along taking pictures. This picture is a lake that's next to another lake called Caples Lake. There are lots of lakes around here.

In my neck of the woods there are men herding their cattle on horseback. And here are a few of them.
This is soooo cool. We just pulled over and my brother took these. I love it.
This is right in my own neighborhood!

We drove to Nevada to visit Larry at his home. My bunnies are very happy living in their natural habitat. Now they're actually cuddling with each other and licking and grooming each other. They used to attack and try to kill each other. And they're burrowing under the ground in little tunnels. The next time I go there I'll take pictures of that too. But this is what the countryside looks like on the drive down the 88, towards Nevada and the Highway 395. More beauty, and lots of cattle, llamas, goats, horses. Lots of farming and ranching on the way to Nevada and as you pass through it. How I would love to live in a little home here, like this. The neighborhood where we visited Larry looks exactly like this.

I hear that the wild Mustangs come right up to the edge of the neighborhood too.
Here's a picture of a mustang stallion. He's from a mustang ranch. I have to admit that I am falling for Nevada and it's beautiful country side. And especially the horse property. I understand that the wild mustangs are sometimes trained by the prisoners at the nearby prison, after they are caught and before they are adopted. I would love to own a mustang horse that was caught in the wild, just to ride around on the trails.

I got to pick out a new parka from Eddie Bauer, per my brother. I chose this one. It's a Yukon Classic down, cold weather parka.

My brother Jay (used to be Jay Jay when we were little), also drove into Merkleeville
On the way there we stopped at Larry's store and restaurant called Sierra Pine. They specialized in gigantic hamburgers. And we did some walking around and shopping in that little town of Merkleeville, California.

Okay, I need to hike back to my place. It's dark and there are no streetlights lit here. So I'd better get going. I will have more pictures soon, because I took an entire roll of film.

Meadows to Walk In

2010-10-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month since I've moved to the rural area of Kirkwood California. I'm writing in my blog less and less. But I did manage to scan these pictures which I snapped the day after I arrived here. This is the front of the building where I live. It's called Base Camp. This area is basically a ski lodge area. I have cable and I get to watch the E Channel, Bravo and everything. There isn't an Internet connection yet. But I hear there is a signal from across the street, which my cute-next-door-nice-neighbor told me about. He sits on his patio and uses his laptop.
And here is the street sign:
It's called Kirkwood Meadow. There's a huge meadow that runs from where I live, right down to the highway 88.
I absolutely loved the meadow behind my place. I can bet that in the spring it's totally beautiful.

And here are some of the view from my back porch: There are several ski lifts behind my place. This is chair 6.

And this is the forest as I walked down the street, in awe.This is looking in from the street, onto my back patio.This last picture is looking up from my back porch towards the store.

I also took a few snapsots of my apartment that I just left in Orange:
These are on the front balcony walkway. My cat hated it there. She totally absolutely hated it. I'm glad that we are gone. Even though it was actually a nice place, quiet and all of that, it sucked.

Yeah I've been acting like a tourist. I don't know how long that will continue. But I have another roll of film which took about 1 week to fill up. Currently I don't have a digital camera. That's on my 'list of things to buy', After hiking boots. The recent camera has shots of the highway 89, on the way to Nevada State line. There are lots of cattle and open fields. Again, open-mouthed and in awe as I drove and looked. There are lots of horses on that highway. And on the way back up the 89 from the highway 395, more pictures too.

Uh-huh, this area is totally different than I've been accustomed to. And it's a welcome change. Not just in scenery, but lifestyle too. Just to get to the nearest gas station, is about 20 miles. And that is where my manager's store and resturaunt is located. He has a landromat there also. And believe it or not, a trailer park is behind that. I have no pictures of that yet, but soon.
The library is tiny, but really nice staff. Rita helped me scan all of those picures that you just saw.

My brother Jay is in Reno now. He's coming here this Sunday to stay for a few days. Seriously I cannot wait to have a visitor. Yesterday, he and Larry met up at a resturant in Minden Nevada. Too bad that I live so far from there or I'd be there too.

Critter Country

2010-09-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

Yah that's where I live, critter country. Way up in the mountains of northern California. I live on a country street called Kirkwood Meadows Drive. And I am surrounded by mountains....and critters. Behind my place there's a squirrel that lives in the tall pine trees. And there's a cute little mole that digs his holes there behind my place too. And there's another kind of little rodent that runs back and forth in front of my back door, kind of teasing my cat Nala. And I can't forget the 2 blue jays that live in the trees there too. It's enough to keep any animal lover, like myself, very busy and happy.

I placed 2 boxes out on my back porch early this week. And I placed a water bowl there too. So I put crackers in one box and bread in another box. This was all eaten in the morning. I did this for about 3 nights in a row. I'd sit out on the back patio with my cat and listen to the sound of the birds and the squirrel doing her chirping and it's so nice. The mole is the cutest one of all. Because he's dug holes everywhere. Nala caught him and brought him inside. And I promptly took the mole away from her. I didn't really know what kind of rodent it was until I saw it coming in and out of his little holes, and noticed that he had no real eyes. Moles are the cutest little animals, mostly because of how he looked when I came up from underneath the ground. He was covered in dirt, from head to toe. And he looked like a dirt clod. It's good camoflauge too, because Nala was standing right next to it and didn't even notice that he was there in front of her. He looked like a piece of the ground. Cute! But then after a week or so, a coyote showed up at night, and ate everything. I saw the pawprints. They come out at night here.

On that day that I found the mole, or Nala did actually, I met my next door neighbor. His name is Wade. We share a back yard you could say. Or a part of the forest. He has 2 dogs. He works for the ziplines, or the company that owns them. Those are the long cables that go from mountain top to mountain top. There's a harness that you can sit in and zip down the cable. He's also an animal lover! Good thing, I need to be around other animal lovers like myself. He looked at Nala and said "so who's this?", just like she was a human. So I introduced them. He said she is beautiful. I commented on how she looks just like she belongs living here in the forest, he agreed and complimented her on how pretty she is. So we got to talk for a while. I ran into him 2 days ago while I was working and walking from one building to the next. And he told me about an animal sanctuary he wants to visit, that he knows of in South Lake. I got excited and told him "if you go, take me with you!" He said he would. I asked him how long would he be living here. He said a year.

I've been cleaning a lot of beautiful mountain homes. These places are so huge and beautiful, but a lot of work to clean. Yesterday I worked on 5 of them. I actually spend my days doing things like....cleaning ovens, mopping, dusting, cleaning bathrooms. I am getting good at cleaning. It's physically exhausting, but I am working and that is what is important.

I wasn't expecting to have all of this so soon. Larry told me that I'd have a good life up here. It's been so long since I've been having a "good life" that I'd forgotten how. I have a nice condo (which needs some cleaing by the way), a nice guy next door, a job, a beautiful environment. What else could I want? I was thinking something, I've gotten all of this, and I was flat broke. I am serious, when I came up here I had no money in my bank account. But I am here. I've been here almost weeks now. And I've got some new tires on my car (thanks to Larry my manager who paid for them). And also some food. And I've found my way to the city twice now.

Today I went to Nevada, that's where I have to go and shop. Nevada is closer than any city in California as far as shopping and doing business. Larry lives there. And I have my mail going to his P.O. box. So he had mail for me and I met him there in the town where he lives. I got to pick up the pictures I had developed the first day that I was here. They are all shots of the landscape around me. I'll be posting them as soon as I find a scanner. I looked at some digital cameras today too. I'm already looking for ways to spend my first paycheck. That is, after I pay Larry for my rent and the tires. He didn't give me all of this for free.

Larry owns a cute little market and cafe in Markleyvile. It has a cafe with really good hamburgers and fries and stuff. And a laundryroom in the back. And a gasoline pump. And believe it or not, a trailer park in back of all of that. I've eaten lunch there twice now. I had huge hamburgers for lunch and some iced tea with fries too. It's beautiful, in the middle of the country. I'll have to try something like chili dogs the next time I go there.

I got good news too! My little bunnies are very happy. And they don't fight at all. They actually sleep next to each other now. That's the best news of all.

Where There's A Will There's A Way

2010-09-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Quite a few months ago, a nun said to me "where there's a will there's a way". I said "yes". She knew something of me at that time. But I've really put that motto to the test. And it's true for me at least. Because here I am way up here in the mountains of northern California. I had the will to move and I did it. Needless to say, it was a very hard trip.

Leaving south Cal on Friday in the rush hour traffic, we were caught in it. By the time we actually got onto the 395, it was dark. I was following Larry in his van, with most of my belongings in it. I had to leave stuff behind. But at least I took my babies, including Nala my kitty. The drive into Lone Pine and after that was rough. In Larry's exact words "that was brutal". And it was. Because we tried to stop over in both Lone Pine and Pine something-or-other, but all of the motels and hotels were full. I was so tired by that time. So we drove on to Bishop.

At about a little past midnight we stopped and got a room in Bishop. But I didn't sleep. The good thing about being there was that it was such a beautiful area. I had to leave my bunnies in the car overnight. I felt really bad. But I was lucky to even be able to bring my cat in overnight. Larry cannot be around animals it seems. In the morning I gave the bunnies water and cilantro. Priti was thirsty. And Pinky was hungry, and ate cilantro.

So after no sleep and little food, we finally began up the highway, into the beautiful area past Bishop. And it was like the kind of country that I've never seen, or not seen in a long long time. If one can imagine huge open fields, with cattle in them. And behind that, giant mountains. And open country as far as one can see. It was so beautiful that I felt tears coming to my eyes. But I think that couldn't just been from being tired. And the weather was nice too. Needless to say, not a bit of smog either.

As we began up the hill we stopped and put $20 of gas in my car. And then started up a highway towards where Larry used to live as a fire ranger. He pointed out the little building where he lived as we drove past it. And then at some point (I think it was when we got to the 88) he pulled over. There was a fire department building there. We both got out of our cars. He saw me giving the bunnies more water and he brought up the dreaded subject of me having to give up my bunnies. I wish he would've presented it a better way though. Because between no sleep, no food and the altitude, it freaked me out. He basically said that I could not have the bunnies in my condo, but that Nala was alright to keep. But at that point, I could not handle anything else. I just needed sleep. And then he jumped into the van and we started a scary drive up windy roads, down hill and up even higher into the mountains. I was on the verge of tears.

I saw a sign that said "check brakes" and we began driving down windy roads, on a steep decline. And my brakes started burning badly. At one point I put my foot down and the pedal went all the way to the floor. I tried calling him on my cell, but the signal was gone. I had no cell phone at that point. We finally pulled over at the post office. And I felt like I couldn't even hear. He went in and got his mail and came back out and said something to me, that I cannot even recall. And we drove to his store. He went in a said to come in also. I was crying by that point. But I went in anyway. And he kinda had words with the employee behind the counter. It was something having to do with money.

I could not handle thinking about letting go of my bunnies. That was when he said that he'd take them home for his kids to care for. He said they'd have a huge yard and a barn to play in. And he said that I should take them out of my car and leave them there in their cages, so he could get them on his way back down the hill. I broke down at that point. And I thought who is this person?! I went out and got back into my car, feeling really lost and in grief. So he saw that I was upset, and instead, started yelling "was this a mstake"? So I told him to stop yelling at me. And that I am not going to leave my bunnies on the side of the road. He was in the back office of his store counting money. So then he told me to get a box of food, whatever I wanted there. And he helped me get a few things I needed. He agreed to allow me to keep my babies in my car until we got to where I was going to live. And then we drove for a few more miles up to Kirkwood. I think it was 5 miles more.

We finally came to a place, way way up in the mountains of Alpine county. And a curve called Kirkwood Meadows Drive. And he pulled up to a condominium building. After he parked his van around back, we began unloading my stuff. I took my bunnies out and placed their cages on the floor of the living room and gave them water, food and took them out and kissed them. I swear I could see little Priti looking up at me and wondering what was going on. So I pulled boxes of my belongings out of his van. After I put my cat in the bathroom.

And then I had to put the bunnies in their cages in the back of his van, to take to his home. I kissed them and hugged them both, through tears. And I felt so awful and mad both. He told me that he wanted to suggest that I give them to his kids before we left south Cal, but he didn't want to ruin my trip. He also said that I could come and visit them. Still though, he could've given me that option in a more sane way. Because I felt like I was losing a lot then, after needing to make this huge change in my life, it was traumatizing.

After he left, I literally got into my pajamas and slept for 3 hours, in a huge king sized bed. But first I gave Nala some food. I woke up to see that she was acting really happy. And that made me feel better. The next morning I pretty much took it easy and tried to to think of the bunnies in a bad way. And told myself that they deserve to not live in cages the way that I had them. And that I did a good job of taking them out of that awful city where they were. The city is no place for bunnies. And that I was sure that they'd be very happy in a yard, with room to hop around. And that the reason that Larry wanted to take them, was so that I could stay there. Or else, the owners would throw me out. And that was what had just happened to my last apartment.

So I actually took a long hot bath on Sunday. I love mountain water, it's pure and no stuff in it. And my hair feels so clean after washing in it. And the hot water felt good. I took my 2 cameras I had, and took walks into the fields. And took pictures of everything including the view from my back porch. I filled up both rolls of film. And then I unpacked a little more. I had only that to do. And to see Nala so happy also made me think that possibly the bunnies were happy too.

Monday I was at the office at 8 a.m. thinking that was the usual time to be at an office. This is the empty office that's going to be mine this season. And it's 90 steps from my front door, I counted the steps. But nobody showed up, not until really late, like around noon did Larry show up. But he only came to bring me some groceries. Which I later found would be deducted from my first paycheck. That's fine, at least I have a job and a place to live. And I didn't have to go and look for food. It would have been a long drive, with bad tires on my car. At some point the other employee came over. His name is Otto. He's basically a long-haired guy in his twenties I think. And he talked to Larry while we were outside my condo. We decided that Otto would give me the tour of all the condos and houses. And give me the codes of them all, so that I could go inside them when I needed to.

Later on Monday, after getting a tour, Otto gave me the key to Larry's office. Which is up in The Towers Building. And this is where I have Internet access. I got to check my email and Facebook. And then I went back home to my place and began putting things together, and working on getting a new cell carrier. I was to meet Otto back here Tuesday morning at 9 a.m. He did show, but he was sick. So I had the whole day off. And I put my free time to good use. I threw away all of the empty boxes and made little boxes of food and put a towel in one of the boxes, for the little rodents that have been showing up on my back patio. I put crackers and bread into them too. And I unpacked and unpacked. And got my cable reconnected too. My place is about the size of my last apartment, but with not too much storage space. I cannot find a more beautiful area to live. I am now living in a rural area. And I keep telling myself that I don't ever want to come down off this mountain.

I didn't worry about when or if Larry was going to show up on Tuesday. I just kept busy. And Otto had mentioned that Larry shows up when he feels like it. He also said that Larry "forgets" to pay him sometimes for a full month. That did not sound good. Otto also said that Larry goes away sometimes and does not even tell him. And that he has no idea sometimes, whether he is even coming back or not. I just keep telling myself that I live in a beautiful place, have food and my kitty with me. And as long as I have those things, it will be okay. As long as I eventually get paid. And apparently he takes money for rent out of our pay. At this point I have no idea how much I will actually net.

So today I decided to go over to one of the vacation rentals and mop. And then go home and eat, and then maybe go and see if another one needs cleaning. Seriously, I hope that it gets busier. Otto said that it would. But for now it's almost nothing as far as work.

I continue to remember what I've been told, that I will have a "good life" up here. And I am looking forward to it. Last night as I was walking, I saw the clouds rolling in, at the tops of the mountain, right next to where I am living. And then I was home. I put out some more food for the animals. And then I went to bed. Today I got good news about my bunnies. Larry's daughter said that they don't even fight any more. And that they are really happy and have hutches to live in. She said she "sort of" renamed them. But that's okay, as all I wanted was for them to be happy. Oh and he's ordered me a new cell phone with lots of minutes on it. My brother called him today too he said. He's coming to visit me in October on the 18th thru the 20th. I cannot wait to have company!

A Meadow For My Bunnies?

2010-09-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

This Friday is the big day that I move up north with my bunnies and Nala my kitty. Larry just confirmed that he's coming here Friday. Now I can relax and stop feeling anxious. He's definitely coming to get me. That was the first thing that I said to him when I heard his voice on the phone, "your still coming to get me aren't you?" I'll be living and working at Kirkwood Valley Lodging, way up in the mountains of northern California. What's good is that I know Larry and we get along well. And that we actually like each other, as friends too.

I've got the Salvation Army coming tomorrow to get all of my furniture. They won't take the fridge, I have someone who wants it. And I want to let them have my bed, but my cat has peed on it. She's been getting upset about all of the boxes and slight feeling of confusion in my apartment. I'll be having to drag my couch downstairs to the dumpster too. Or else just leave it here.

Today I worked in reception at Wise Place again, for my last time. My favorite place to work and volunteer is the place that saved my life years ago. But that's another blog.

My next door neighbor Mannie is feeling better after getting really sick. I will miss her and her boyfriend Alex. She said she can't believe that I'm moving already. It's funny because I am older than her mother. Her mother is a head honcho for a coalition to end homelessness in Alameda County. She's got connections in Berkeley. so Mannie gave me her name, number and email for a contact. It's always good to have those kinds of contacts for anything, or for emergencies.

I was hoping that soon my babies and I will have meadow access in a little condo there in Kirkwood. So far I'll be living on the 3rd floor of a tower-like building, with a little balcony. But eventually I want to be able to live in a place where there are woods and a meadow outside. So far my progress of living arrangements have been better and better. And so even moving to the country and out of the city is a huge jump to a better life, whether or not I am in a big condo or a little one. Where I will be living is "the good life". Compared to this crowded city.

Lately I've been going to bed at around 8 p.m. And then waking up at around 2 a.m. And then I lay there in bed wondering why I am awake. And then I realize that I've already got 6 hours of sleep. So then I feed my babies and go back to bed and sleep more. So I've been really well rested.

Yesterday I went over to the nail salon and got a super nice pedicure. This place really does the full treatment too. They massage my feet and legs. And I get the French pedicure. So now I'm all ready. Last week I got a French manicure. And too bad that I don't have time to tint my hair again.

Before I got my pedicure I spent half the day at traffic court. I went to try and get the $300 assessment fee waived. And the judge did waive it for me. She didn’t waive it, she reduced it to $75. The catch was that I was supposed to pay it then. So since I had no money I had to leave and walk back to WISE Place where I’d parked my car. And then went and borrowed money. But I made it back there to the courthouse, paid that and got it all taken off my record by doing so. I wanted to get all of my fees taken care of before I leave south California. The stupid fucking Orange County courts are vicious about fees and such.

Needless to say I a more than happy to get off unemployment. Because EDD really screwed me. I'm not gonna even write about it I'm so mad.

My kitty is meowing for my attention and my bunny Priti is on my bed waiting for me to go and give her some quality attention time like we do every night at dusk.

Tying Up Loose Ends

2010-09-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

While this is the best time to move, while I have time to pack and get organized, I am still feeling a bit sad....or something. I guess it's because a part of my life is ending or closing. And another is opening up. Seriously, I won't feel totally ready to smile until I see Larry here, with his truck.

Today I went to the Circle in Orange, to Watsons. I met Pat for lunch there. It was her treat as my going or moving away gift. I had a French dip sandwich with fries. I like Watsons. I like Pat too and the Circle of Orange. But as I wrote in my last blog post, the novelty of Orange has worn off. Because I arrived there early I got to walk over to the Army Navy store and look for hiking or ski boots. And they had both. And the prices weren't anywhere near as high as I thought I'd find there.

I just made the phone calls to disconnect my phone and electricity too, the week after next. So that I will have telephone connection until Monday the 20th. And electricity until the next day. But I am really hoping to be out of here by the 18th, which is Saturday. I still have my cell phone. Yay for cell phones. Funny thing is that the thing that pisses me off the most about having to move out of my beautiful apartment, is that I put down all of my most pretty cupboard paper. And I used it all up too. I've collected a few emails from friends and some people who I want to stay in contact with.

As I write this my kitty Nala is using her litter box. She overdoes it on the burying part. And she always sneezes a little. I have newspaper all around the box too, in case of accidents. The bunnies use the newspaper a lot. They all share. I went out this morning and bought Nala some tuna. She knows what the word "tuna" means when I say it. She's walking around my chair meowing a lot now. I've been telling her "just wait until we move, you'll have a whole forest to play in. And your friends will be squirrels and maybe chipmunks and raccoons too." As I am watching her walk along the counter tops this moment, I notice like usual, how big her paws are. She's got a kitty hunter body and personality.

At dusk I usually let Pinkie out of her cage so she can play with Nala, and play is what they do too. A bunny playing and chasing a cat. But as soon as I walk into the room, they stop. I think that animals are way more intelligent then we think they are. They fool us. We humans are only lucky to be able to live with the animals. Most people do not know that either. This is their world, we are just living in it.

And my bunny Priti is hopping around the living room too, happy as can be. She's getting more and more tame. She's the little lost stray bunny that I found on my patio in my old apartment. She's gained a lot of bunny fat. But I have no current pics of her or I'd post them. Soon I'll have a digital camera. I love watching Priti jump up onto the couch and look around and hop down around my feet. She's super chubby now. Her nickname is 'Chubs'.

Soon the EDD will be sending me the money they owe me. Since I won my appeal hearing, they will owe me about $2,000. It's just a matter of when I'll get it. I'm hoping and praying it's before I move.

Yesterday I went to visit my grandfather's grave. He's buried at the Good Shepard Catholic cemetery. His coffin lies on top of the deceased husband of his then wife. It's confusing too. As I had to look for his name on the headstone of another person's. It actually makes me angry that his wife did that. And I didn't even see her's anywhere. It's probably the one that I saw next to that one, that had no headstone on it. And that would be because she was so mean. Her daughter didn't even like her. I bet that they didn't even want to have her name on her grave. She was emotionally abusive to her daughter. Strange too. It's just a warning that people need to be nice to their own children. Because we will live longer than our parents usually. And in the end, we have control and some say in what happens. (Now I am off the subject). I took some red and white roses to give to my grandfather. I told him that I missed him, and I cried. And so I sat in my car and called my brother. We talked about how the coffins were buried, with one of top of the other. I guess I am not funeral educated.

This week I realized the reason that I moved back to the south California area. It was because I missed my grandfather. Even though he was no longer alive, his grave is here in Huntington Beach. It was as close as I could get to him without dying and getting to see him in heaven. So now I am leaving and going back to where I was before. He would have liked this too. I will be happier when I am way out of this awful area. And he isn't here anyway, just his grave. He is actually somewhere way better and more serene than I ever knew existed.

I've been volunteering at WISE Place for the last 2 days. And the Bethany end-of-summer pool party is tomorrow. And I will not be going to that. Let's just say that I am sick and tired of feeling the need to scream and instead I bite my tongue when I am in the company of most of the women in that shelter. It's their sense of entitlement that gets me mad. And that I have nothing in common with any of them. There's no longer anything that I can find to talk about, that any of them will even be interested in. I have a life now. And they don't and probably never will. I could write more about this subject, but that's another blog.

I'm not really feeling comfortable or happy here in my home. I guess it was because I was rudely reminded that it isn't really my home. But maybe if I vacuum or clean a little at least I will feel better about being here. Sometimes that helps to make me happier, after I clean.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with Leticia from my temp job at the County. She's making Enchiladas, Mmmmm.

Coming Together Now

2010-09-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm just settling in for the long 3-day weekend that snuck up on me. Things are coming together now, in a good way. And I even did some more packing today, along with giving both my cat and one of my bunnies baths. It's the yearly Orange Street Fair this weekend too. But the fun of living on Orange county is gone, long gone.

Yesterday I got the mail that I've been waiting for, exactly five weeks now. It's the EDD hearing results. And as I thought, they ruled in my favor. I did thank God. And today they emailed me saying that a check will follow. They're changing the filing date. I think that means that I will now have a claim open that's based on my last job, which was the county job. I bet it'll be about 7 days before I get that money. And I think it'll be a lot too. But that's totally fine.

Before I leave southern California I want to get 2 new tires on my little car, the front tires are bald. And I think I need some hiking boots, ya! I will be walking around in the countryside, where I will live. And I may need some other items, that will be for just that...walking and living in the forest. Uhhuh, out there with all of the little forest animals. Maybe Larry and I can take a trip to the Army Navy store here in the ORange Circle.

I am anticipating a little, that the apartment manager is going to tape another paper on my door today. After today the rent is 'late'. If I was going to be paying it, that is. And I'm not. I want to be in the living room when I see her do it. And then open the door and yank it off and say to the bitch 'I'll be glad when I don't have to see paper stuck on my door any more'.

The Salvation Army truck came yesterday, to get some of the furniture I donated. But the maintenance guy was hosing down the front balcony walkway with water. He's the manager's son. It had to be yesterday that he decided to do that. So the supervisor said that they'd not be able to take the large item, which was the dining table. Due to the balcony being covered in water, and it was too much of a safety hazard. But they took everything that they could carry, without worrying about slipping on the water. I have a pickup scheduled for the 16 also. On that day they're taking my fridge, dining table and maybe my bed too. I do love my bed though.

The place where I'm going is furnished.

Yesterday I hung out at Mannie's next door. It was her birthday. She and her boyfriend Alex are in Vegas now. I'll miss them when I move. They're fun and young and not all jaded like so many adults I know. Her real name is Emmanuel. I admire her parents so much. And how her mother seems so liberal, mature, nice, compassionate...and any other word that describes a good mother. She talks about her mother a lot. And it's become apparent that one of the reasons she's so smart and worldly is that she has the emotional support of a loving mother. Her parents are a biracial couple. And their marriage has lasted quite a long time. They live in Berkeley. And they live a very natural lifestyle. When I meet and hear about parents like those, it makes me realize sadly how bigoted my parents are. And how much other kids have, in the way of love and support. Not monetary support, real caring. So Mannie and Alex gave me a key to their place and I go over and fee their little kitty Winnie. She's a lot like Nala when she was a kitten. I'll probably go over there in a couple hours again too.

This morning I went and got some 99 Cent store Cheerios for the bunnies. Priti was throwing her food bowl around in her cage this morning when I woke up. That was what woke me up, the sound of her bowl being thrown around. She was fed up with eating alfalfa pellets and bunny pellets. She wanted her Cheerios back. So I got some of the cheap kind. And I also bought some of the generic Cheerios at Food 4 Less on the way home. And I put $6 of gasoline in my gas tank too. Kristy paid me back for taking her to work and back last week. It didn't make much of a move of my gas gage.

So I ran the bath water and put Nala in the water with me in it too. She doesn't like her bubble baths any more. No more since we moved here to this place. She used to like them in the old tub. But not here. I used her flea shampoo and she's now on the couch looking all wet and licking herself. And then I filled the bathroom sink up with warm water, poured baby bath in it, and plopped Priti bunny into it. She acts so cute when she's getting a bath. She puts her front paws on the edge of the sink, in a towel I place there. And she opens her little mouth a little, and I can see her front buck teeth just a little. I'm not sure if she's enjoying it or if she's getting ready to bite me. But she never even tries to nip me when I'm scrubbing her behind. I rubbed and poured water on her hind area, from the front of her torso to her behind. And then I help her up and rinsed her off. It's the cutest funniest thing to do and to watch. The way that she acts all well-behaved when she gets a bath. And Pinky acts the same way. And then I wrapped her up in a dry towel and toweled her off. I've had Priti for just over a year now. This is the first time I've seen her shedding. Because last year her fur was barely there, as she was a stray I found on my back patio in the middle of the summer heat, poor little girl.

Tonight it's relax and then tomorrow pack more and relax. And same thing on Monday. Except tomorrow I may go and pick up my money from my client he owed me for the data entry I did.

It's Quiet Now

2010-08-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

It's quiet now here. But when it's so quiet, I start to think that it's just the quiet before the storm. As if something is about to happen again. And I try to think what that could be. It's from a lifetime of instability and trying times.

My two favorite times of the day are early morning, when everyone else is still sleeping. And then nighttime when I get into my pajamas and get ready for bed. right now it's morning on a Sunday. The weather has given us a break, it's cooled off. Yesterday was a beautiful day with the sun out too.

And I am watching my Pinky bunny hop around the living room. She's the one who chases my cat Nala. And that's even more fun to watch. Pinkers thinks she's not really a bunny, or maybe half bunny and half kitty. Nala is laying on the counter top right behind me. She's about 1 foot from me, with her eyes on me while I type. And her left arm hung down over the edge of the counter.

So what am I going to do today? Not much. I can't really pack anymore as I have no room for the boxes. And after the 3rd I will have my furniture gone, so then I'll have the room. But for now I have all the empty boxes I need too. I am that far ahead of the plan.

Yesterday my friend Joan lent me $60. And I was so grateful for that. I had to pay one of those check cashing places back for $50 that I borrowed. I did it to get my bunny back out of the shelter. That's the last time I'll borrow from that or any place like that. I borrowed $50 and they wanted $58.08 paid back. There are a lot of people who do that too. I don't like it.

I actually made it to the library yesterday and checked out what looked like an interesting book called "Saturnalia ". It's a good read so far. I hope I can finish it before I leave Orange.

These days, I can only concentrate on reading when my mind isn't in turmoil. I was thinking that quite possibly, one of the reasons that I am calmer is that I have not had contact with my mother. She causes me grief, just listening to her craziness and condescension is unhealthy for me. Joan said a very interesting thing to me about that. She said that allowing that stuff into my eyes and into my ears will affect me negatively and make me feel less about myself.

I was watching an animal show on PBS yesterday. It was about pet rabbits. People don't understand rabbits at all. The show states that rabbits mate for life. They were having rabbit meetings, and pairing up male and female spayed rabbits. You can't just mate any rabbit with any other rabbit. They don't always get along. so the try different rabbits. They said that if the rabbits put their tails up and their ears back that they are aggressive towards each other. That's what mine do to each other. Maybe I should get my babies spayed.

I think my animals take my mind off of myself. My poor Nala has to stay inside and it drives her nuts. It's cruel to keep a cat inside. So I've been telling her to just wait, in a few weeks she will have a forest to play in. And her friends will be squirrels and chipmunks. And maybe some raccoons or possums.

I feel sort of like I am in waiting, not in limbo. I have about 3 more weeks until the time that I will leave here. I shouldn't have ever moved back from up north. Up north I never had to think of the possibility of being homeless, or not being able to have a place to live. It never crossed my mind. It's the cost of living and the rental and real estate prices that do it here. This area is for the rich.

My flakey roommate called me after I left him a message yesterday. It said that I want my key back by Sunday night if he isn't going to stay here any more. So he called me later and said that he'd bring it back at about 6 p.m. He didn't show up. And that's another thing that I cannot stand about southern California. Everyone is flakey. People rarely do what they say they are going to do. And there isn't any consistency, especially in relationships. And it adds to the feeling of instability.

One day I will have my own little place, way out in the forest, near a creek. And I will have my own garden, with trees and an area where I can keep my goats and other animals. And I'll be content and happy.

Sometimes......

2010-08-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

This week was an interesting one for sure. Sometimes things happen that sort of make me smile. Sometimes I find out things that make me realize that I am not that bad, or not as unfortunate as I think. And I mean in the emotional maturity level category that is.

This morning I let my Priti bunny loose and she loves to plop down on her little rolly polly tummy in the middle of the living room and look around at me and the cat. And that was what she did today. I found her stretched out on her tummy after I came home from the store and doing errands. I laid on my bed and napped, yah napped. I fell asleep at about noon. It was weird. I've been falling asleep late and then needing to nap during the day. The phone rang and I jumped up and ran out to get it, and little Priti was laying there in the living room. So cute, my babies.

As I was driving into the parking lot of the grocery store, my cell rang and I grabbed it. It was the apartment manager needing to talk. So I parked and turned off my car. She said that they'd received "that little note" that I put in their door. And she wanted to tell me that the deposit isn't supposed to be used for rent. And that I haven't paid a first and last month's rent. So that I will end up still owing $200 if I do that. I pretty much told her that "I have nothing". And that I will "see what I can do", and "I wasn't prepared for all of this". And then she said "and another thing, you are not being evicted. That wasn't an eviction notice." She said "you were just being 'asked to leave'" She also said that it isn't going on my record either, meaning my credit report.

I think not! It shouldn't. I paid my rent on time every month. And that wasn't good enough for them. And being asked to leave is the same as being evicted, it causes the same grief. And weird thing, she did say that I was being evicted when I asked her. The night that I went to her apartment door and inquired "am I being evicted", her answer was "yes you are!" And that was as plain as day (or night).

I called Joan and told her. And like others who I told this to today, she said that the manager is backpedaling. Because for one thing they realize they did something unprofessional. And they also want more money from me. Ha! No more dollar bills are coming out of this bank account. Nope. I guess I should fee lucky and just be glad that it isn't as bad as I thought. Nevertheless, I don't like these people.

I was getting weird hang-up calls on my home phone, since last week. And I just want to say to the person who was doing that....I know who you are. And what was that you said to me about my making prank phone calls? "when you are a kid it's cute. But when you do that as an adult, it's harassment." One would think that you could have the emotional maturity level and the maternal instinct to call me and apologize, or anything. I feel that this is antagonistic and just plain sick. Like a 5-year old's ways.

I'm thinking that I need to have a little chat with my male roommate. He slithered out of paying rent yesterday. When he told me he would pay for another week, yesterday. And I get the feeling that he now thinks I am his girlfriend or something. And that maybe he is expecting something for paying his rent. So the fact that I asked him to pay yesterday, and he didn't. And then he wasn't here last night, to me means that I need to either make him leave or get his rent money. And he hasn't returned my calls today. I don't like this. Being friendly with men is always sticky.

Soon I should be hearing about my EDD hearing. This Monday is the 5th week. They are supposed to wrap it up by the 5th week. And after I find out the results I will be able to know more. And I should be getting another check cut from them too. Because I had that phone interview 2 days ago, and it was okay.

I got a new client too! I am meeting up with a person who works for Kaiser, for a data entry project. He sounds very nice too. I didn't even think that my ads were online any more. Because I'd given up on my business.

To Live In Peace

2010-08-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off writing in my blog because I have an opportunity that's so good, that I am still afraid that it won't happen. And I may jinx it by writing about it. But here I am, just waiting to move. I am going up north again, to northern California, to live and work. I've always wanted to live in a forest, out in the woods, way far away from the oppressive city life that suffocates me daily. And now I am going there.

I'll be working as an office manager for Kirkwood Valley Lodging. An old high school friend named Larry owns this ski lodge. Last year he asked me to come up and work there, but I declined. Not that I didn't want to, I just had no way up there, and was still fairly stable here in south California. But due to the change of events and having no income or job to speak of, and then getting an eviction notice here, I've decided to make the move. And seriously folks, God is working in my life. Because the timing could not have been more perfect. And I have a place to live up there too, and a salary. It's all so perfect, that I still want to pinch myself. And I keep thinking that it's not really happening. But I deserve this, why am I thinking this way?

Yah, I was evicted for having a roommate and a bunny. There I was for months, afraid that I'd not have enough money to pay rent, and that I'd be evicted for that. But they hit me with something else. It really blindsided me too. So since a week ago, after getting the good news from Larry, I've begun packing. I will be going in 28 days. And it isn't a moment too soon either. I've been going and getting boxes every day. And I pack until they are all full. Today I took the day off from packing though.

And one would think that I'd have my mother in my life in a positive way, but no. She's again gone and had another one of her go-away crazy woman episodes. I call it her Jekyll and Hyde act. After receiving another abusive email, we are not talking again. Here is one of them, she sent me 2:

I know you will do what you have to do to get along.
I also know you do not want my advise. So stop reading this now.

But since you are still reading this I assume you will hear what I have to say.

Yesterday I suggested that you go ahead and sign up at the temporary agency to work what ever temporary job they have for you even if it is minimum wage. You baulked. Said you were going to pack. What for a month you are going to pack???? You are going to sit around and do nothing to help yourself?

Optimum word here is TEMPORARY. They know you are temporary. So take any job, temporarily.
Part time, temporary jobs are out there even if you have to scrap poop off the sheets. you may have to wait on tables, clean hotel room, or drive auction cars. But you will be earning money..... good hard cash to take with you up to Kirkwood. If you go with no cash you are at the mercy of others. If you do not like it up there you will have no way to leave if you have no cash.
Sell your furniture, why give it to the nuns. Work any job to have cash.

If you are not willing to work....... I am not willing to give you part of my Social Security check.

OK go ahead and be mad if you want to.

And then the 2nd one....

I will not be helping.

These outbursts happen completely out of the blue, with no warning.
My brother and I talk about it a lot. And it's good to know that he also sees her insanity. But like others, he thinks that she just doesn't know what she does, and how crazy she is. But crazies don't usually know that they are crazy. They walk around thinking that it's everybody else and not them. Even though there isn't one person who would agree with her. And I've been thinking about everything my brother said to me yesterday. He said that he isn't as open with my sister as he is with me, when talking. And that she has an intellectual level in her conversations when they talk. Anyway, he said that he and I have a much more open communication. And I'd rather have it this way. And my brother also told me that trying to turn to my father or sister now, is not even an option. I knew this. If I didn't think this, I would've already turned to him for help.

The weather is very hot here now. I put on my air conditioner every day, and today I am resting all day long. My bunnies are safe in their cages and happy. And my kitty is napping under the table. Nala has gone back to using her litter box again. I almost wish that she didn't. Because she was using the drain in the bathtub, and there was no smell when she did that. Now I have to clean her litterbox out. I don't know if I wrote about Pinkie, but I got her back out of the animal shelter on Tuesday. They put a chip in her. Placing her in there was a mistake. I keep telling my babies "just wait, in one month you'll have a forest to play in!" I need to go and buy the bunny leashes I saw at the swap meet, before I go.

These managers piss me off. I think that these people who manage these apartments think that I am going to pay them another month of rent in the 4th, even though they've evicted me. But I'm not. I just typed them a letter, giving them permission to use my deposit and keep it, in order to pay the prorated amount of rent for next month. As I need all of my money for the move up north. They evicted me! And the 30 days is up September 12th. So I told the manager I'd need to stay until about the 18th. She said they'd "work with me". But I don't know what they think about the money part of it. At the end of my letter I wrote "let me know if I need to find a lawyer". I have a feeling that the other guy who I allowed to live here was the one who told them about renting and the bunnies. A few people I know also seem to think this, that he called and turned me in, because he was so mad that I made him leave. Well, in a way he and they both have done me a favor. Because I guess I needed a hard shove to get me out of here.

The scary part is that I have no backup plan. So I've emailed sister Louise, asking her to allow me to stay in the Hospitality Room over at the convent, just in case something goes wrong next month.

I've let my other roomie Aldo stay here. I don't know when, but I will have to tell him that I am moving up north. He pays rent every week now. So I don't want to tell him until a few days before I go. To make sure that I am still going for one thing. And to get that rent money. I can ask my friend Larry if he has work for him up there. But Aldo has kids down here now. He was originally living in San Francisco.

I've made friend with the college students next door. The girl Mannie is from Berkeley and majoring in Anthropology. She goes to Chapman university. Last Monday night I was over there and they were all stoned. There was a pipe on the coffee table and weed in plain sight. I knew they were too, and said "you guys are stoned aren't you?" They were giggling. Yesterday I took a bottle of wine over there and we had a glass before they left for a concert. I am getting old, because I didn't even recognize the name of the band. But that's okay.

What else? Oh I had breakfast at Bethany this morning. I told everyone about my plans, my eviction and my moving next month. I was asking for Susie but she wasn't around since yesterday. I wanted to tell her good bye and that I'm sorry for being mean to her last weekend. But that's all.

I think that if the agency AppleOne has a temp job for me I'll take it. They called me for an assignment last week. But I wasn't home. And they're getting these short notice assignments. I think I need a few hours notice.

I am once again, living in rooms full of boxes. Oh and the Salvation Army is picking up my furniture on Sept. 2nd. And old high school friend named Dave works at their main warehouse. So I went over there to see him. It was awkward at best. He looked very old and different. Apparently so did I.

Update, Good News!

2010-08-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

This is the best day I've had in a long time, since I've been laid off. My week was I think, the scariest and most stressful and oppressive one I've lived through in quite a long time. And I will be telling the owner of this property about it too. But first I must write about the week.

Thursday afternoon my next-door neighbor was talking to me downstairs while I was walking my cat around. She said that they have a flea infestation in her apartment. I told her I bombed my apartment and for her to get the Raid flea spray, that it worked for me. And I don't have fleas any more. She also said that she'd told the manager that she wants them, the maintenance to get rid of her fleas. I told her she could do it herself like I did.

That evening which was last Thursday evening, the manager of the apartments taped a 30-day eviction notice on my door, along with a note saying this place would be getting fumigated for fleas. The carpet that is. But I have to fleas! And I just paid my rent on time too! So I went into panic mode. Because I of course have no place to live. And I had no idea what the reason was, for me getting evicted. I saw that she'd taped a notice on the new neighbor's door also, for fumigation. I went over tot Mannie's next door, she's the one who said she had the fleas. She'd just gotten a new kitten a couple months ago. I asked her what she said to the manager, and showed her my eviction notice, she freaked a little. She said she didn't know why the manager did that. And she tried to think of what she may have said that would cause this. We could not figure it out. She said she'd go and speak with her Friday. Later that night she came over and we stood on the balcony talking, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

That night I went over and showed Tom across the way. He said that I should just stay here for 3 months, let them evict me and save money. As we were sitting there, his neighbor upstairs walked by and started up the staircase. Tom told him I'd gotten an eviction notice. The man merely said "I'm sorry to hear that." Whatever. Tom said go in there first thing Friday morning.

Friday I went into the manager's office to see what was going on. She said that she had "a report" that I am "subletting my apartment out for rent." "No I'm not" I told her. And then I admitted to allowing someone to stay here for 5 days. So we discussed that. And then she said she also had "a report" that I have rabbits. I said I had one bunny, a baby dwarf bunny that I found half alive in my old apartments. She blurted out "you have to get rid of that!" I burst into tears. I told her I couldn't. She asked me did "it" have fleas. She doesn't I told her. And then I pulled out my veterinarians receipt for the last visit my Nala had at the vet's for her flea meds. And then the manager (her name is Anne), calmed down. And she commented on how I was giving my cat Frontline. "Yes I am" I told her. And "I bathe my cat twice a month during the summer, with flea shampoo, myself. And I sprayed with Raid flea killer. I have no fleas in my apartment." I noticed a slight change in her attitude. And then she blurted out that she wasn't the one who wanted to evict me, it's "Jill". And that I am to call this Jill person and talk to her. And that she didn't want to "see me go". And that she doesn't want to evict me. And then she told me that I can no longer even walk my cat outside on the leash. That was when I got upset. I began crying about the bunny situation. I told her that she said I was allowed to walk her when I moved here, and that she'd told me so. She said that she will get fleas outside. She asked me how was I about the fumigation Saturday morning. She said "I mean the bunny". I told her the bunny would die and that I would take her out during that time. And I left, holding back my tears.

I went back to my apartment hysterical and took my bunny Pinkie and drove her to the animal shelter. It was the most awful experience I've ever had to go through. And they charged me $27 damned dollars too. It was heart-wrenching to see her carried away in her cage. I kept kissing her until they took her off. But there's good news after this, keep reading.

I cried and sobbed all the way home in my car. And I sobbed for an hour when I got home. I hate these people now. And I thought that if they want to evict me, after what I had to do today, that I will make them force me to leave.

I had Mannie come over from next door. I baked homemade pizza for us and we talked. She thinks that the man who lived upstairs from me, in the corner apartment, is the one who's telling the tall tales about me to the manager. So we both decided what a jerk he was that day. And I called Tom my neighbor across the way and told him. He said that I should go ahead and call the manager's boss Monday like she said. But wait, there's more.

So yesterday I had to leave my place for four hours for fumigation. And I wanted to go over to Bethany and kill time over there, while Nala and Priti stayed in the car. Yes, I still have Priti. And of course Nala my cat. Bernie said yes she thinks it's okay for me to be there, but I could hear the hesitation in her voice. And I told her that I was going to be talking to the boss lady tomorrow about staying here. (But that was Saturday, more still to come). So I drove over to Bethany, across the street.

Upon being buzzed up into the fortress, I walked in to find Susie there, eating breakfast. Susie is the on-again-of-again fair-weathered friend. But she is also helpful in other ways. She helped me move into my last two apartments. But she will not be helping me when I move out of here. But lately, she's had to go back into the shelter system again. She's completely incapable of living out in the real world, and is totally unreliable and lives a completely unstable lifestyle. And that's where she's living now. But, there she was sitting in the dining room at Bethany. And the first things she did was to tell me how bad I looked. I merely said that she may look this bad too, if she'd just spent all night and half the previous day crying her eyes out, as I had. I also have no makeup on I said. But I was being stared at by both she and Bernie.

Bernie pushed a plate of cold breakfast at me. And I put it into the microwave. And Susie began talking super loudly. She was asking what kind of bacon this was that she was eating. But it was loud, and seemed to me sort of out of context. All I can say is that it was strange, sounded strange, and felt strange. Both her tone of voice and the bad timing. I sat down at the counter and then Susie began a lecture to me. YEs, the shelter-hopping, x-heroine addicted, drug addict, who cannot hold any job and would rather live off her abusive criminal boyfriend, was telling me how to live my life. I only said to her, "I don't need your advice!" And she barked, not spoke, barked back..."oh you don't?" "No I don't" I said, just like that. She said, again loudly-barking, "Oh as if you are doing so well right now?" And that was it. I said "I'm not the one living in a shelter, you are." No yelling either, just spoke it out loud. And then "maybe you need to take a look in a mirror." Bernie said "Christine I'm going to have to ask you to leave, if you do this again." I said "again?" She said nothing. I picked up my purse and walked out, down the elevator and back to my car.

I spent the next four hours at a nearby park, with my bunny and kitty, until I could go back into my place after the fumigation. I calmed down. I went back home.

This morning I got up, my eyes weren't puffy any more. I felt better, but still oppressed and felt kind of a choking feeling. It's how I feel when I've been treated very unfairly. I realized that I didn't like living here any more. And that these old people here are like the Gestapo. I made coffee and had a scone. And I played on the Internet and looked on Craig's List. There were not rentals that allowed an unemployed person. I got depressed again.

I logged of of Facebook and I took my telephone over to the sofa and called Larry, my x-friend from high school. This is where my life got better, today this morning. Larry answered. He said Mike had called him. But that he tried texting me but it didn't do through. My cell phone isn't connected now I told him. "That would explain" he said. I told him I'm being evicted and was his house still vacant that we'd talked about last year. He said it was, and that it isn't selling. And he's losing money with it just sitting there empty. He said I could move into it and rent our the other two rooms for him. I would I said. I will have to move September 12th. He has to paint it he said. I told him about my present roommate and he'd be a good renter. "The home is near my school too" I said to Larry. He said just let him know, I said yes I want it. And I will move on the 12th or around there. Since the 12th is my eviction date. I told him I could pay him some money, and I've been paying $1060 per month since I've been here, and even without a job. So I'd be able to pay rent there. And we said bye and I told him I'd call him again this week.

My worries dissolved. God is still on my side I thought. And then I realized that I can stay in school. And that I will also have a backyard then.

I called Mike, my mother and Judy to tell them. And then I remembered Pinky my bunny, who's still sitting in the animal shelter. And I decided to go down and see what it's going to take, in order to get her back out. I showered and dressed and drove around the corner to the animal shelter. My Pinky was sitting in a cage by herself. She looked like she maybe had not slept much and hadn't eaten. And her food bowl and water bowl hadn't been touched. I talked to her and told her that mommy's here, and I'm going to get her home. And I stoked her face. She seemed jumpy and nervous. I wrote down her I.D. number and went to customer service. The girl behind the window said today it would cost $80 to get her out. And tomorrow it will be over $150 to get her out. I felt so sad then. I almost wrote a check for that much. And I said that I'll come back and get someone else to buy her. The girl said if I come back tomorrow, that other person can get her out for less than $35. I would I said. And I walked back to see my Pinky. She was looking the same, but tired too. She seemed to recognize me, but I am not sure. But she was looking at me with her precious pink eyes. I petted her side and told her I'd be back tomorrow. I just wanted to see that she was still alive and she's okay and she is. And I will send my roommate Aldo back. They open at 10 a.m. the girl told me.

Tomorrow I get my Pinky back.

So I have 4 weeks until I move totally out of here. And I won't have to come up with another $1060 on the first again. Maybe I can begin moving in 2 weeks if Larry can come down here. I would even help him paint I told him. And I will.

Crazy Week

2010-08-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

This has by far, been the most difficult week I've been through since quite a long time. Here's what happened;

First I want to preface this post by saying that I am still in my apartment, got my rent paid for August and bills paid that were needing to be paid. So, so far I am still stable. And I still have not heard back from EDD about my appeal hearing results. I am still hopeful.

I started my job last Tuesday and it wasn't as expected. It was very disappointing for me to find that 1) the management weren't as friendly as they were in the interview. 2) The hours were not full time. 3) The pay was minimum wage. 4) The company is doing something tricky with their taxes. I showed up to work early on Tuesday and waited at the little table in the front room. Apparently another woman was supposed to start the same day. So she was late and I was told to wait. So Angeline came out and told me that the wages for the job were minimum wage. I thought....okay, well, maybe I will get a lot of hours. And I began adding up and calculating hours, wages and money in my head while I was left to wait. And then Kathy showed up. Kathy was a very nice woman about my age, who lived in Norwalk. She drove all the way from Norwalk for a minimum wage, part time job. Obviously we were both desperate for work. The company name is Iconomy Ventures and I'd be working for Essential Derm Care

Angeline is the woman who did the emailing back and forth during my interviewing and hiring process. Once Kathy showed up, it was the "HR" person's turn. So Alice was the HR person's name. She was also in my interview (it was a panel interview by the way. A panel interview for a minimum wage part time job). All I can say is that Alice's non-verbal body language was as disturbing as they come, as far as HR personnel. And I am sure that "Alice" isn't her real name. And that "Angeline" isn't Angeline's real name either. They were all from an Asian country. But I am not sure which one that would be. I never got to ask. So "Alice" handed us both a package of paper, and gave us a terse speech about no-cell-phone-policy, calling in an hour before your shift if you need to call in. And my first and favorite one; "we will be taking taxes from your earnings". Really? I've never actually had to be told that. Nevertheless, I thought that this weirdness was because it was a new company. I should have said something at that point. Something like "why are you telling us that? No other employer has ever had to tell me that. It kinda goes without saying that every employer takes out taxes if we are their employee." Again, I was desperate for a job and did not want to "rock the boat." As I have been regularly accused of doing at jobs. So I ignored the weirdness. Alice also gave us a direct deposit form to fill out. This again was weird, because usually, no always, employers give me the option of allowing direct deposit of my payroll. Again, I filled it out and said that I prefer that anyway. Alice smiled. Kathy and I filled out our paperwork. Kathy didn't seem to be worried about anything, even that she had to drive literally 24 miles for this part time minimum wage job. Upon finishing her short speech, Alice informed us that our supervisor Peter would be giving us our schedule after our work shift. After?! I thought, why not now? Again, I let it go.

We were taken in back to the little work room where both Angeline and Peter showed us how to pack bottles and tiny boxes of cosmetics, from looking at an invoice. And they watched everything we did, with their little beedy eyes, as if we would make a mistake. And they were both fairly good friends or co-workers. I guess one could say that they had a good working relationship. And that Angeline really liked Peter. I thought I did pretty good at everything. Everything except learning how to rip the brown packing paper from the large roll. I didn't notice how Kathy was doing. After about 2 hours Angeline said to take a "water break". Again, weird. We can drink whatever we want, why water?

During break, Kathy and I sat at the table and had to whisper back and forth about the hours and wages. We still didn't really know for sure what our hours would be. I added up what we had heard to be our weekly hours with the eight-dollars-and-hour wage. And it came to about $500 without taxes. I shook my head and she asked me if I was alone where I live. I am I told her. I told her that I could not live off this job and that I really hoped it would be more than part time hours. She got a call on her cell and went outside. And then Angeline came walking by, eying me and Kathy outside on her cell. Again, weird.

Then after break, more packaging and then getting the boxes all sealed for Fed-Ex that was coming at 5. Again, I thought I did very good, sitting right down on the floor and getting my hands dirty. And using the tape gun to seal the little boxes. I have to say in retrospect, that I noticed a weird nervous rudeness in Angeline's voice while she ordered both Kathy, Peter and I around. And it bothered me.

She seemed weirdly nervous and rude. But I couldn't figure out why. I cut my finger with the tape gun too. As she was making me nervous. And the blood started to bleed out of my left finger. I said to her "I cut my finger." She barked at Peter to get me the Band Aid box. She said that the box had several different sizes of Band Aids. Why that? I went to the bathroom and ran my finger under the water faucet. There were 4 deep cuts in the part of my finger that shows the finger print. I am sure that my finger print will have scars now. I was taking the Band Aids out of the box while they all just went on with the packaging. And my finger bled into the box too. I had paper from the bathroom wrapped around the end of my finger. And I put on 4 Band Aids. Suddenly Angeline decided that Peter needed to take me to the office and talk to me about my schedule. So I was glad to be able to stop working. And by that time it was after five-thirty.

Peter asked me if I could work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights, one-thirty to five-thirty. I said yes. And I also inquired about the pay. And would there be raises. He said yes after a thirty-day probation. I asked how much that would be. "Like a dollar or two dollars?" He said it depends on my "performance". I thought, really? Was I an actress? I was pissed off by then. Mostly because of my finger gashes. So I told him that I'd be taking another part time job in the mornings on the same days. And I'd need to possibly come in later than one-thirty. He seemed okay with that. And he typed in something on the screen he was facing. We were finished. I went back into the hallway and as I was walking by the bathroom, Angeline came out and I looked back at her face as she looked at me. She actually looked frightened. Again, weird.

As I got into the room where we'd been working, Kathy asked me if I'd got my hours. I said ya, and for her to not cut her finger, because it hurts. And then I left and went back into Angeline's office and got my purse. I told her casually that I was enrolling in my classes the next day. She said that they could work with me on my hours. That was nice, not weird.

As I drove home in the hot freeway, I felt so hopeless and disappointed and discouraged. I was so let down. I had such high hopes for this job. And it wasn't even a real job. I could not wait to get home and go to bed. But no, that didn't happen. This is what happened;
I walked in my door of my apartment and my then roommate was again on my computer on the Internet. I'd told him on Sunday night that I didn't want him on my Internet while I was at work. I guess he didn't take what I said seriously. So I said to him as I stood there, "can you do me a favor"? He said "wut" without even looking at me. I said to not be on my Internet. He said nothing. I said "I need to use my telephone now". He didn't even move or look at me. I went out to get my mail. I came back. He hadn't moved. I said again, "I need to use my phone". He didn't move. I went into my room and came back out, he still had not moved. I said louder, "you have to get off my computer. I need to use my phone. I didn't know when you came here that you'd be on my computer all the time. That wasn't part of the plan." He still didn't budge. I started to walk away and heard him say "I'm gonna go cry". I said "excuse me?" And he said it again. I said "Well go ahead if it makes you feel better." And he did. When I came back into the living room, where the corner of the room was piled high with his trash, clothes and my blankets and pillows (because he didn't even have his own blankets or pillows, I had to provide that for him). I could hear him making this sniffling and the beginnings of a loud tantrum. I could not believe this. This guy was actually crying and then ran out the door, grabbing his ipod as he went out.

I took my phone into my room and returned my phone message from Judy in Montana, I told her what had just happened. And with all of that, I was still so upset about my new job. I was again at a point where I was so fed up with everything. I felt as if my sanity was hanging by a thin thread. Judy said not to antagonize him because he was still going to be here another week. I could not stand the thought of this guy sleeping in my living room, all day long, every damned day. And stinking up my apartment. And I wondered where he was going at that time that he had to leave. Because obviously he had no job, and wasn't really that interested in doing anything. I called Bernie and told her about this guy. She said not to do anything that would antagonize him. I told her about my part-time, minimum-wage job, that was supposed to be full time.

After that I went outside and there was Tom, my neighbor across the way, downstairs. I think he asked me what happened. And I told him. He asked me if I wanted to come down there onto his patio and I did. I remember feeling so tired and helpless. So we smoked and drank a glass of wine. Tom is a really big man, from the south. He's the nice southern guy, without the southern accent. And he said that he'd go down there and remove him from my place if I needed him to do that. I said I may need him to. But that I'd decided to try and handle him myself. I had my little blue thing of pepper spray in my jeans pocket. So I finished my wine and walked back up to my apartment. And there he was sitting in the pile of his trash and my blankets on the floor. I sat down and said his name. And then said that I didn't feel comfortable with him staying there any more. And he burst into tears and sobs. I could barely even talk to him, he was crying so hard. But I felt as if he was manipulating me with this crying. I thought it strange that this guy had just gotten out of the service. And he was this out of control. And realized this was why the Air Force made him leave two years early. There was something wrong with him. And I could not help him. I could not give him the kind of help he needed. And I told him all of this, between his sobs. I felt very bad for him because I've been in his situation before. But with my precarious situation, I can't have him here. And I knew that he'd end up wanting to stay here for free. He was crying about his dad not wanting to help him, and nobody wants to help him. I told him that maybe the fact that he sleeps all day long is a good enough reason for people not wanting to help him. He wasn't taking care of business.

I began calling shelters, telling him that I'd take him to a shelter. He kept saying that he didn't have any money. As if I was going to give him money. I have no money anyway. I called the Salvation Army. They didn't answer their phone. None of the shelters answered their phones. Except that awful one in Buena Park. So I notified the person there that I'd bring this person tonight. They were full he said. But he could stay for one night. I told the roommate to get his stuff together and stop crying. And I went down and asked Tom to go with me. He would he said. And all three of us left and drove there. Tom and I went to the office with him. And I could hear the rude guy who worked in intake telling him rudely that he can only stay for one night. After I talked to the other guy and some other people, Tom and I left and came back here to the sane place, to our apartments.

I don' think that I slept much that night. I was so upset. Seriously, I was so upset.

Yesterday I went to work feeling really weird, thinking that I was wasting my time driving into a job, which I had such high hope for, just to be fired. And that is what happened. I knew that they were going to let me go. I know now, that was the reason that I couldn't sleep. I knew I was not going to be kept at that job. They were just waiting for me when I got there, with my paycheck. And for an extra day of pay for showing up to work. I was so relieved. And I didn't even care. I was so glad to not have to work there. I thought, at least they didn't try and make me quit. They let me go. So now I can notify EDD that I worked one day and was let go. But I looked and there were no wages taken out. I had only a check for the gross amount of two days, no check stub. And later I realized that they were doing something weird, as usual.

I cashed my check and paid my car insurance and went home.

Last night I decided to go to Gary Graves art gallery. He's one of my art teachers. He had an opening for a woman artist who paints animal scenes. And she's very good. Every first Friday of the month, downtown near the college is an Art Walk. And there are a few galleries that serve wine and hors d'oeuvres. Some of the places were Retro thrift stores, slash art galleries. And some of the wine was very, very good . By the time I got back to Gary's gallery I was buzzed pretty good. And I think I was even slurring my words, so embarrassing. I wanted to ask Gary if he knew of any galleries who are hiring. But it was so hard to get his attention. Everyone wants to talk to him. And I kinda just stood there in the background. There were several guys standing near me, watching me watch him. And one said "how are you?" I said "fine, I'm just hoping to get to talk to my teacher." And then realized how immature that sounded. They kinda laughed or snickered I think and said "ah". Eventually he did walk over and seemed glad that I was able to come. And introduced me to the artist. At that point I realized what a bad mood I was in, to no fault of my own. And just wished that I could be happier.

I went for an hour or so, by myself. I was glad that I got out last night, after the ordeal this week. But I wasn't in a good mood. As I drove home I thought that this Art Walk was nothing like the one that I used to be at in downtown Sacramento when I lived up there. I realized that Orange County isn't where I want to live the rest of my life. I'm not very happy here in Orange County. Even if I had money I wouldn't be happy living here. And if I had money, I'd live else where. But else where there isn't much work.

When I got home to my cozy pad, with a slight buzz, I decided to go to bed early. As I was lying in bed, my new roommate called me and we chatted for a while. Yes, by then I'd contacted Aldo and told him the place was his if he wanted it. Aldo is the one who wanted to move here almost a month ago, but I let the other one have it. So this week Aldo came. He asked me if I'd eaten dinner and I hadn't. So he went to Rubios on the way home and bought 2 burritos for us. He's so nice, he offered to by dinner. So I sat up until midnight talking to him last night. And this morning I didn't even hear him when he left. I didn't even hear him in the bathroom or anything. I hope he stays. He goes to school at night and works full time. And he's nice too. I told him to stay as long as he wanted because he's a good roommate. And he used to live in San Francisco. When he goes there to visit, I want to go!

As I'm sitting here typing this super long blog post, I'm noticing my kitty Nala and how happy she seems lately. I gave her a flea-flea bath 2 days ago. And she has no more fleas and no more worms. She's a happy kitty. The flea seemed to have finally gone away in here.

Oh Happy Days

2010-07-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

I finally got a new job. After all the looking, footwork, emailing and just plain worrying and stress, I got the email from the interview I had a week ago. The one that has about 6 employees. The company that sells cosmetics online hired me as a full-time employee. I will be fulfilling orders online. I start August 3rd. And yah, I came home after the interview and wrote a little thank you card and mailed it immediately after the interview last week.

Now I don't (or won't) have to have roommates any more. I thought it would be easy. But it isn't. Mostly because this one guy sleeps all day in my living room. He just came home from the service too, he's very very young. He's nice though. He said that he had problems getting to work at 6 a.m. while in the Air Force. I think he's depressed too. I can tell he is. And the nice one Aldo showed up last night too. So he's sleeping on a kind of mattress on the floor too. My cat Nala is hating this. Last night I thought she was going to get sick. And she hides in the closet a lot. Poor little baby. Well, after Sunday Aldo will leave and then on the 11th of August, the other guy will go.

I had a nightmare before I woke up this morning too. It was that I was trying to move back to La Habra, into the little studio apartments where I used to live for 5 years. I was between places to live. I never can describe my weird dreams and nightmares, they're weird. But I was trying to move into that old complex where I used to live. And I was looking for the manager. I had my car full of stuff. But hadn't moved all the way out of here yet. And I was crying and getting texted on my Blackberry from the manager here, while I was walking around the other complex looking for an apartment to put my things into. There were a couple of girls in the dream too. At some point as I was walking through the hallways there, a girl came and followed me on my search for an empty apartment. She saw that I was almost hysterical and crying. I think I found the manager finally or someone did. And then she had to get her team of lawyers and some other men and people who I didn't know. And they had to sit in a meeting with she and I. While she told me off about everything I did before, while living there, that she didn't like. She actually didn't even look like the manager, she looked like the woman who managed the insurance office where I used to work as a temp in 2008. The woman that used to talk about farting and shitting all of the time. So then at some point before I woke up I asked her why we couldn't skip all of this and for her to just tell me whether or not I can have an apartment today or not. And she said "oh you're going to get to move in, but after I tell you this..." So then I looked around and looked at the other men there. And I stopped crying and pointed at them and said "I remember you". And then the manager began a long story about her maintenance guy telling her that I hacked his pager years ago. She was on a rant, a really long one. Because she realized that I knew what they were doing. And her rant was about a lie that had been told about me after I moved. I woke up then.

I laid in my bedroom, in my big bed, and realized that I was in my beautiful apartment in a much nicer city, far far away from her and that kind of drama. And that I didn't need to leave here and go beg to move back to an awful place like that.

This weekend I can do some housework and some laundry. Maybe I can get my new roommates to do the housework for me! haha! Good idea.

Improvements

2010-07-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote in this blog was July 14, yes July 14th. And let's see what's happened since then; I found several new roommates. I say several because they all wanted to move in, but so far I've chose one. I chose a different one on Saturday but he never appeared Sunday when he said he would, never called either, until late Sunday evening. So I'd already given the room to one guy I had waiting. He sounds nice. Tomorrow he's bringing his things and an inflatable mattress. Yes, it seems that only men want to live in someone's living room this way. I didn't get any calls from women. The other one was Aldo from Mexico. He was very sweet and cute. I wanted him to move in. But he's called me again to tell me he found a place for now. And to call me if this guy doesn't stay. I said I would for sure.

Pretty much all week I was looking for a roommate. It takes a lot of time and energy to interview and choose.

As far as the job situation, still no definite job, but a few leads now. The first lead was again from Bernie's husband Dan. Dan is the nice man who got me in at the Auto Auction where I worked up until this recent February. So Dan said that the pawn shop where he works is hiring. It's more than minimum too (yipee!). Tomorrow he's going to inquire and then call me from work. And today I got a reply to an email I sent with my resume last Friday. The lead came from WISE Place, Terri sent it to me and pointed it out to me. It's a makeup company. My interview is this Thursday at 3. It's an admin job. I really hope that I get that one, and not have to go work at a pawn shop. But I'll take that one if needed.

Last Thursday I had a strange and annoying time applying for a job at a telemarketing job for God's sake. It was another lead from Terri, so I wanted to go. Since Terri is so smart and helpful and she has such great ideas. (And I am not saying that sarcastically.) So in order to be considered to work there, at this telemarketing job, which is minimum wage, one has to take an IQ test. I took it. I was in the testing room with another applicant. The other applicant asked the little receptionist what scores they were needing. The receptionist said "we're looking for 182 and above". What! I almost busted out laughing saying "that's considered genius level IQ. What do you guys want, geniuses to do telemarketing?" Are they serious? I knew that my IQ wasn't that high. And I am quite sure that none of their telemarketers are geniuses either. Nevertheless I made the call back to them at 11 and guess what? I passed it. No my IQ wasn't 182, it was 120. But the last time I took an IQ test it was 128. Who cares. Anyway, the little receptionist asked me to go back in for an interview next day at 9:30. And I did. I made it in early too. so I and another applicant waited in the break room together. And waited, and waited and waited. I waited an extra 15 minutes longer. The woman interviewing us didn't come in. I thought that was rude. And as I was sitting there waiting, I was reading this rude and aggressive-sounding script that I just knew we were going to get tested on. And I didn't like it. So I walked myself back to the little receptionist and asked to reschedule. She said okay, Monday same time. I didn't go back today.

Seriously, telemarketing is the lowest. I can be a truck driver, and even work in a pawn shop. But being one of those rude, freaking, desperate, sales people, nope.

Friday night I cooked dinner for sister Judith and I. I made a pot roast in my crock pot. It was a recipe I found in my cookbook. I have lots of cookbooks too. I used to cook a lot. Anyway, it was with cranberry sauce, tomato sauce, and some mustard. I made potatoes too and some biscuits. But the biscuits weren't from scratch. And afterward we sat and had some rocky road ice cream and she showed me her pictures of her vacation. She's gone to see the Amish country.

Saturday I went to see a play in the St. Josephs Auditorium. It was a play about how the sisters of st. Josephs came to the city of Orange. It was a musical with lots of singing. There were priests in it too. I was pleasantly surprised. And there was in intermission with cookies, lemonade and iced tea. I drank so much iced tea, I was thirsty for some reason. Probably because of the heat wave over the weekend. I ran into Marlyn, my x-psychologist. She was there with her friendly husband. So she and I got to say hi and make small talk. And I wasn't a bitch to her. And then went back to my seat in the play, next to sister Louise. I have to admit that it was cool getting to sit next to a powerful nun at this play. And that everyone saw me sitting there. She saved tickets for Bethany residents and graduates of their program, like me. I'm glad that sister Louise feels comfortable with me now.

After wards I went upstairs and sister Judith had left a huge plastic container of alfalfa pellets for my bunnies. She noticed them when she was here, saying that they need alfalfa. I gave them alfalfa before I said. But they throw it all over and it makes a huge mess. So she got pellets for them. And I photocopied the recipe of my dinner I made, she wanted it. And I had some dinner with Bernie. That was Saturday night.

What else? I haven't heard from my mother since her last mean email. In it she said that she didn't need to "know every intimate detail of my daily life", and that she's getting her shingles again. And that I make her worry and she gets sick, and then she gets shingles. She likes to blame me for everything, and still is.

Today I bathed both of my precious bunnies. Pinkie first. They are so cute when they get baths. They stand in the bathroom sink, stretch their front lets out straight and put their paws in the counter top. I bathe them separately of course. Sometimes they'll stand up on their hind haunches and put their noses up towards my face for me to pick them up, like babies wanting their mommy to pick them up. It's so cute. Usually when they do that I hold their front paws and rub their bellies. I use baby shampoo. And sometimes I can see a couple of fleas floating in the water. Afterwards, I toweled them off, one by one. And then combed them and picked fleas out of their soft fur. Priti had just 2 that I could find. But Pinkie had a few that I could see. For some reason the fleas have gotten on her more than Priti. Pinkie is an off white color with pink skin underneath. So today they got their attention and lots of kisses. Afterwards I gave them more Cheerios. They loved that. I started them on an alfalfa diet and cut back on the Cheerios. I swear this morning when I gave them some Cheerios, Pinkie looked like she was on a sugar high after she ate hers. Priti has been eating a lot of the pellets, she likes to eat everything. But Pinkie is finicky. She's eaten just a little of the pellets. But Pinkie had been drinking a lot of water too.

Nala my precious kitty has been sleeping a lot, since I dewormed and de-flead her. And she cries a lot less now. I think the fleas really bothered her. I hate fleas on my babies. And I can see her sleeping now again on the little tiny table next to the couch. Last night she was getting jealous while I was holding Pinkie in my lap and watching t.v. She cries a lot when she sees her with me. And she stops when I put Pinkie back in her cage. Animals really do feel feelings like jealousy.

I made the trip to my school today. And I turned in the final paperwork for my fee waiver and a grant. I was told that I'll be getting a grant this semester some time in August. And then I had to re register again. Since I dropped my class last semester. I went to visit Ingrid in the IMac computer graphics lab. And we talked for a long time. She's the really helpful lab aide in charge in the lab there at school. I wish I knew as much as she does. She's always really friendly with me because we are the same age I think. I miss being in there all the time too. Too bad I didn't have my sketchbook with me. I've done some more sketches that need to be scanned.

Maybe by the next time I post, I'll have a nice job. Let's keep our fingers crossed. And hope that I don't have to go work for a pawn shop.

This Is My Favorite Time of Day

2010-07-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's about 8:30 p.m. and this is my favorite time of day. When it's night time finally and everything cools off and we relax inside. It's summer for sure and I can still see the sun going down, not quite dark yet. My cat Nala is on the counter top behind me drinking right out of the sink. She goes from the counter top to the table top and lays in my keyboard while I'm typing. And my bunnies are snug in their cages, it's really their morning.

With the no-promise-of-a-job on the horizon feeling that's been looming in front of my days, I haven't felt much like writing in my blog. I just thought that waiting until I actually feel better, at night, that I may be able to write something nicer than lately. The other day I was driving and thinking that I am so sick and tired of being poor. Really even more, I am so tired of not working. Being without money isn't so bad, as long as I have a job. And I so need to keep my apartment.

Yesterday I went to a small job agency where the girl who's the recruiter actually said to me that they don't have "anything for girls." She said they have heavy lifting warehouse work. I arrived there at 8 a.m. thinking that there would be something for me. There wasn't anything. And I emailed my resume to several places yesterday afternoon. I wear myself out mentally, looking for a job. And it all feels in vain.

Yesterday I did so much that I was completely exhausted today. Really I was. When I'm not working I am more active than when I am working all day. I just get busy and get into doing things. Other than looking for work, things like letting off 2 flea foggers in my place, while I load 2 bunnies and a cat into my car, and then go and find stuff to do with them for 3 hours, while the fogger goes. And I can't get the memory out of my head, of my roommate asking the clerk in Home Depot to show us where the "poggers" are. He has a really heavy Filipino accent and doesn't pronounce anything right. I'm not being mean, he just has an accent that nobody can seem to understand.

Anyway I went off topic there for a minute. I had a super busy day and didn't even realize it until today. When I woke up and I was so tired. I thought that I need to take a breather, gather my thoughts and rest, instead of literally running myself out of energy looking for a job. The only place I went today was to the mailbox to get my mail, and then back upstairs inside.

Sister Judith called me today, while I was in the shower. She left me a message. Now I have two messages from her. She also left me a message on my birthday. So this morning I called her back and she's coming here this Friday night for dinner. I'll be going to buy the ingredients for dinner. It'll be fun too.

The temperature around here is around 100 degrees now. A little while ago I actually put on my air conditioner, on low. It was the first time that Nala's seen an air conditioner on. I've had her for a couple of years now. And the air in the old place was central, coming out of the ceiling area. I took her to the vet yesterday for her last de-worming shot. And I paid to get some flea drops on her too. So today she's really happy, with no fleas. It's always something else to see her change from scratching and crying to happy kitty. I hate fleas. I hate to see her suffering too. Even flea baths don't control the fleas.

Lately my bunnies haven't been eating much of their Cheerios. Just today that is. I think they're upset about the long car ride yesterday. But they do eat lettuce and their celery. My Priti is getting used to me picking her up. And she's now pretty much a tame bunny. And Pinkie is the usual friendly cuddler. She still loves to be picked up. And they both bite me much less. I have no more bites on my arms.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I am going to a place where I hear they are hiring. But writing about it may jinx it. And I got my date for my unemployment appeal hearing, this month on the 22nd.

Changing It Up

2010-07-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the advice of my friend Terri at Wise Place, I placed an ad on Craig's List to rent my living room, temporarily. And I've gotten so many calls and emails. I already have someone coming today until Tuesday. And then I am interviewing someone tomorrow who wants to stay until the middle of August. In my previous apartment I couldn't do this. But I rented in my own home while I lived in Sacramento. And it was always men who wanted to rent. I rented my spare bedroom and my living room then too. At that time I only charged $10 per day. But here I'm asking $25 per day.

Yesterday morning, right after I placed my ad, I was literally inundated with phone calls. One girl was a hysterical Vietnamese person, and I suggested that she should go to a shelter. I even gave her phone numbers of two shelters. She said that she'd been "advised against that." But I told her to go to a shelter, she was literally begging me to let her come here. And she had no car or job. She was sobbing in the telephone saying "pleeeze"! Another caller was texting me since Friday night. And we're supposed to meet tomorrow. That's a guy. And I've gotten a few more calls and of course emails galore, some scams. I got two phone calls from couples needing a place to live, one guy had a dog. I had no idea that I'd get so many calls, I guess there are a lot of people homeless or close to that. Well, I can let them stay with me.

I'm trying to at least make a little extra money to help with bills and rent. It isn't quite the middle of the month, and I am already worried totally about having another thousand dollars for August rent, to keep my apartment. And I need to have gas in my car and pay my cell phone too. I really need that cell phone since that seems to be the phone that everyone is using to call me, including renters.

So far I haven't found a job. I haven't given up yet though. Twice last week I hit the streets literally, with my resume in my bag. It was actually nice to walk around near here. I found a bike trail next to a park right near my apartments. The trail wound around to the new mall area. And I went in a couple of places. One of the businesses was a tailoring shop and the owner actually showed me around his shop and interviewed me. He said he thought that he and I would work well together. And the place was busy too. When I left he said give him a few days. But I have the feeling it isn't going to happen.

I found a new job agency too that day. In the mall that I walked through on the way home. The woman seemed very short, telling me with no patience in her voice, to come back Monday at 8:30. So I will go back tomorrow. I can walk there too.

On the walk home that day, the AppleOne agency called to ask me for my driver license information. Because they were finally submitting me for the courthouse temp job. But then Friday I heard that the county didn't think that my DMV record was "compatible with" their employment needs. I only have a ticket that I am making payments on. The girl at AppleOne said that a lot of the temps were rejected over their DMV record. I got this news while I was volunteering on the reception desk at Wise Place. And it ruined my morning, ruined my entire day. I thought I finally had a job. It was going to be only $10 per hour. And long term, for 9 months, nearby in Orange.

Last Monday evening I had sister Louise over for dinner. It was a really nice visit. We got to hang out and talk afterward. It's the least I can do since they helped me with my rent for the month. I had most of the money, but needed just a little more. So I think having her over was necessary. I hope we can do it again.

The manager of the apartments here now knows that I am unemployed. I told her yesterday. That's because she put a note on my door, with my receipt, saying that I still have to pay an extra $25 for the cat fee. And another note saying that I owe $35. Either way, I thought that the pet fee was included in the total rent amount. Nobody ever told me that there'd be an extra $25 or $35 on top of the rent. I went to the office here yesterday and simply said "I didn't know that my rent was $1060." She didn't think that it was and then looked in the paperwork in my folder. Then she said that it was a pet fee. But that wasn't what I was told, and my agreement doesn't say that. I just kinda sat there and looked at her. She looked back like she was stumped. And I told her that I lost my job. She said "oh no" all surprised-like. So she said "this is too much for you now isn't it?" And I said "yes for now it would be." Then I told her that I'm trying to find some way to not have to end up living in my car. So she said she'd call the corporate office and see what they could do for me. And then said to not loose any more sleep over it. As I left, the assistant manger was walking in and she told me she'd be there Monday. So I may go back Monday and ask about how they may be willing to work with me, while I look for a new job, since I want to stay in my apartment. I felt better after talking to her, because she didn't seem intolerant and rigid about rules and rent, the way that the old managers at the old place were. I still believe that I made the right choice by moving here.

What else? Let's see. Oh I managed to get three foggers to de-flea my place. And I let them off last night, while I took my 2 bunnies and kitty in my car over to Bethany for dinner. They stayed in my car. I got to show people my babies last night. They didn't like being in my car for 3 hours. But they survived it fine. And they're all back here in their home with their mommy. And the place feels much less full of fleas now. Anyone who has pets, especially cats, know how bad fleas can get inside a home.

Dinner last night was fun. Bernie made chicken and beans and Louise made a summery fresh salad with vegies from the garden where she lives. It was a nice visit, except for one woman there who gets on my last nerve. She makes inappropriate comments while I talk. She sounds like a paranoid type. And her name is Sylvia. She goes from shelter to shelter. And she walks around with a strange smile plastered on her face all of the time. So it sounds out of place when she makes off-the-wall weird comments about innocent things. The comment was made while I was telling everyone at the dinner table how much my bunnies love Cheerios. That always gets a laugh. And I was saying how Priti will take her food bowl into her mouth and smack it on the floor of her cage when she runs out of Cheerios in the middle of the night, waking me up. And then Sylvia mutters under her breath "sounds like that rabbit is possessed." I stopped and looked at her, wanting to say how mean or inappropriate that sounded (to me anyway), but kept talking. Nobody noticed what she said. It wasn't the first time she's done that to me. Once she told everyone a strange story of how she ran from a cat that was scratching at the door to get in. That she ran down the hallway to get away from it. I thought that woman is an afraid, seriously scared and paranoid person. And now every time I happen to see her, I am more convinced of that.

Marisela was there too. She seems like she's doing well now. And I am seriously glad about that. Because it's so easy for a lot of people to go back to what they were doing before. And she doesn't seem like she will.

I'm kind friends with the man across the way, downstairs. His name is Tom and he has a little tabby kitten, smaller than my Nala. He's dating too, from dating sites. I told him about my date from a dating site, recently. I had dinner twice with a guy named David. I'm not dating him again. So many men don't realize that when you are dating, that the two people are seeing what each other are like, and if you like each other. And most men do weird things that totally turn me off. What this guy David did was what I'd consider violence. Among other rude things he did that night, it was the last straw. I think it's called "road rage." He drove me home from Felix' in the Circle. It was only about 3 blocks. But he couldn't even control his anger for that long. We were at a 4-way stop, with stop signs at all corners. And he didn't like that the other car wasn't coming to a full stop, so he pulled out into the intersection saying that he was going to "make this guy stop!" And then he actually stopped his van in front of they guy and looked out his window at him. And the other driver stopped their car after we drove by. And this guy David jammed on his brakes, saying some expletives, and then threw the van into reverse, saying more expletives at the other driver. And then put the van back into gear and drove off. That was the last straw for me. I thought it was rude for him to not realize that there was another person (me) in the car, who wouldn't want to be involved in violence. It could have turned into something a lot more than what happened. That kind of inconsiderate behavior was like an indicator of what the guy was like. He did a few other really rude things during the 2 hours that we were eating dinner also. And I didn't like the things he was saying about his female roommate.

I think I'm going to just stop dating again.I could write a book about dating and all of the rude dudes out there.

It's Sunday an I'm thinking of walking to the church and at least going to mass. I love walking around this area. I feel so blessed to be able to live here.

Believing In Heaven And Hell

2010-07-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend I'm having company. I'm making dinner for someone who's deserving of having someone make dinner for her. Last Tuesday I also had company. Another person who deserves for people to ask her over for tea and scones. There are those kinds of people in my life now, who are deserving of good things and good company.

And then there are those who aren't.

I'm going to go get groceries today, and buy some pomegranate juice. It's a simple pleasure of mine. I have simple pleasures that make me happy. Gallivanting around France drinking wine and spending a lot of money, to me, would not be a possibility. My finances don't allow for that kind of thing. And without a doubt, I don't live beyond my means.

Next month I'm going to scrape together enough money to pay my rent, again. And this month I'm going to find a job, some job. I need a job to stay in my home. This is my reality. Like many many others, this is a reality, day to day.

I've been noticing that there's starting to be a huge gap between the upper class, or even the upper middle-class and the lower class or "poor." The "pink collar" and the "blue collar" workers are struggling. I see it around me literally everywhere. And the people who I don't associate with, except to maybe work with them, are getting along just fine. And maybe those people who aren't having a hard time, don't even notice us.

I'm going to have a hard time putting this into words, because it's something that I can see but never talk about. There are people who I know who make me want to believe in heaven and hell. There are those who actually brag about how much money they spend on lavish vacations, in France, drinking wine. Who knows, maybe they're even eating cheese over there too. But that isn't the point. The point is, who cares?

With the economy the way that it is, (and it's getting worse it seems), why aren't these cheese-eating, winos helping those who are homeless or needy? These are the kinds of people who I used to spend time with, live with, and called them "family". Maybe they've just never been desperate enough to need to believe in God. Why do people need to brag about taking vacations in France, getting drunk on wine? Unless it's to prove something. Considering the state this country is in currently, I find this appalling, even callous and out of touch with reality. And I wonder what their livers look like, with all of the alcohol they ingest. I bet they don't think about that either. But most alcoholics don't feel.

Is there a heaven and hell? I seriously do not know if there is a heaven, but I've seen hell. Lots of people are living it every day.

I'm taking my life day-to-day now. I'm keeping those close to me who I need close to me. And I am cutting off those who don't care about anything but their appearances and proving something to the world.

I'm going to clean my home this weekend. I'll get food to eat, and pomegranate juice and some ingredients for a dinner on Monday night. And I'll sleep in my bedroom with my babies and wake up feeling safe, for now. And I'll hope and pray for the best, and for the country to recover from whatever is ruining it.

If It Weren't For My Animals

2010-06-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for my animals I'd be depressed even more. I can't even imagine life without them. And yet, here I am on the verge of losing my home - again.

I remember when I was very young and living in the home with my family. I can still recall this memory very vividly, as if it happened yesterday (or today). Me laying on my bed being mad and sick and tired of my parents fighting and feeling how much my father hated me. And the feeling that I wanted, needed, to get away from there. And then the thought of leaving my animals behind. It was unbearable. I knew that if I ran away, that my father would sell my horses. And I couldn't leave my kitties alone. I didn't know who would feed them. And I certainly wasn't going to expect anyone in m family to care for them if I was gone. So I decided to stay.

So even now, my pets are sort of anchoring me here in my home. I can't up and move from my apartment. Even if I wanted to, I don't want to take them with me somewhere, who knows where.

I'm not working now. And it's the same scenario over and over it seems. With me, I work and then don't work. And the jobs are even fewer and farther between than before. It's frightening beyond words. My rent for July is okay. But I don't know about August. I haven't even got any job possibilities, not definite.

So the unemployment office isn't giving me but $67 per week now. Even though I worked for months recently. They sent me their decision, I got it yesterday. I just want to not have to depend on the State for money. I'd really just like to work instead of collect unemployment. It's awful, depending on the government for money to live.

Yesterday morning I went over to Share Ourselves in Costa Mesa. I got up super early and had to wait in line after drawing a number of 33. But it was worth the wait. I was able to get a $20 gasoline card and a $20 Target card. So I bought Nala food, flea shampoo, and myself some shampoo. And put the gas in my car. That only filled it up halfway.

My fair-weathered friend Heidi finally paid me back the money she borrowed from me. I lended it to her one day when I was feeling a lot more hopeful than today. But she has taken way to long to give me back the money. And she made me drive out to meet her to get it. That was rude too. And I'm not used to that part of the highway, missing the offramp twice. I'm a city person, and that area where I met her was off in the boonies. I think that she should have driven back here to give it to me. I don't think I need friends like her. And her life isn't going to well either. Her new husband isn't working and his unemployment ran out. And only a few months ago she was bragging about finding a man who'd "help her pay her bills." Well right now she's supporting him. But only a few months ago, you couldn't even talk to her about anything except how happy she was and how they were getting married.

I was laying in bed at around 2 a.m. last night and got woke up by my bunny Pinkie stomping her feet. So I got out of bed and fed her and gave her water. And I did the same for Priti. They were both out of their Cheerios. So I decided to get up and check email and take 2 Ibuprofins. And then I went back to bed and slept.

Today I take Nala to the vet for her deworming. I've never had an animal who had worms. This is the first cat that's had worms. And I tried bathing her yesterday again. She went a little nuts in the bathtub. Even though I was in the warm water with her. She wouldn't even allow me to rinse her. But I picked her up and tried turning on the shower. The poor kitty hated that. I heard her make a howl that I never heard before. So I turned off the water and took her out and dried her off a bit.

Right now she's walking around outside on the front balcony. She's getting used to the area now, where we live. And she's found the kitty across the way who lives in the apartment downstairs. Her owner is a man named Tom who moved in the same weekend as I did. His kitty has worms too. So I gave him the phone number of my great veterinarian here in the city.

Obsessive Worry Disorder

2010-06-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am a worrier. I worry, way too much. I worry so much that I create things to worry about, even when it isn't necessary. I know I inherited it from my grandmother. As I recall her worrying constantly. And my mother worries too. But lately I've come to realize that I worry too much. Here's what happened;

I kept myself up almost all night worrying about whether or not I mailed a check to the traffic court. But that isn't the real problem. The problem was that the payment wasn't due. I didn't need to even pay it until July. But for the last 2 weeks I've been worrying about whether or not I actually mailed it or not. And why wasn't it clearing my bank account. I was checking the account every day, and couldn't find a check that cleared. I was sure that I mailed it too. But there I was, worrying about it. And worrying about the $300 fine that I'd get if it didn't make it to the courts by the 20th. So here is what I did - I got out of bed and looked for the envelope that I placed the check in. And it hadn't been mailed yet. But I was so sure I'd mailed it. So then I kept myself awake all night worrying about whether or not I'd now be getting a fine levied on myself, as they did before when I was late one payment. So that caused a night of insomnia on Thursday night. I planned to get up early on Friday and walk to the courthouse and pay them. In hopes that they hadn't yet fined me.other was a real worrier I recall. It was like a ton of bricks hit me yesterday when I talked to him about the worrying about something that I didn't even need to worry about. I had a real realization about myself.

I bet this all sounds really stupid too.

So currently I am worried about whether or not I will have the rent by the 4th. That is a real subject to worry about. But stepping outside of my worrying....I've been doing it for a few years now. I've been paying my rent for a few years, even while I was unemployed. And paying it on time. I've always found a way. I've been, as Terri from WISE Place says, "keeping a roof over my head."And maybe it's because of worrying.

I wonder what I'd feel like if I had nothing to worry about? Now that's something to worry about!

My bunny is loose. My bunny Priti has been into sitting and laying on my bed lately. Right this minute, she's sitting on my bed and washing her little pretty face. I took her out of her cage and she likes the bedroom. It's quiet in there. There's something so innocent about seeing my tiny bunny sitting on my bed the way she is. And sometimes she lays on it too. It' s like her bed she thinks. She's sitting on the corner towards the middle a little, facing her cage. She's my bed bunny.

I bathed Nala my cat yesterday. Getting into the bathtub with her like I do. And I used regular shampoo on her fur. Afterwards, she slept a lot. Bathing her always allows her to relax I've noticed. Next week I'm taking her to the veterinarian to get dewormed. She has worms. That worries me.

It's been hot in the afternoons lately. So hot that I can go swimming here in the nice pool. And the water is heated, just the way I like it.

And guess what I did on Wednesday? I went over to the social services office, where I used to work, and applied for good stamps. And I got approved for $200 per month in food stamps. I even saw a few employees who I used to see while I worked there. They noticed me too. And I said hello. And it only took less than 2 hours for the entire process. This is because of the work that we did while we were there. All of the hard work we did as temps paid off. So now the process that clients go through is much more organized and less stressful, and way less waiting time. What I did Wednesday used to take up to 5 hours. And sometimes I'd get refused. So now I won't starve. One less thing for me to worry about.

I don't know how, but I'll probably find something to worry about, even if I have nothing to worry about.

Worst Interview Yet

2010-06-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while I was doing errands with Terri from WISE Place, I got a call on my cell. It was from a company (who's name I won't post here), for an interview. They are in Huntington Beach, it's an engineering firm.

So I returned the call when we arrived back to WISE Place.The woman was fairly nice, asked me a few questions. Things like what did I do at my last job, and was I looking for permanent work. I noticed she had a nervous giggle too. She said to come in for an interview, but she wanted me to go in immediately. I couldn't, I needed to go home and get ready. So we made the appointment for 4 p.m. And then I excitedly went and told Terri, who also got excited for me. Again, I got my hopes up. Even the possibility of an interview was a good sign.

I went and picked up a burger at CArl's Jr, with one of my many many coupons I have ready in my wallet. And then home to get ready.

First I had to log into the Internet and retrieve her application she emailed me. And then found directions in Google maps. And then I filled out the application while my hair rollers warmed up. I also found a good pair of khakis and a white blouse, heated up my iron and began the process of making myself presentable.

I thought, after the nerve-wracking conversation with sister Louise, being told that I am 'living beyond my means', I'd rather not have to borrow money. And as my brother said, just be able to not have to borrow that money, and tell them thank you anyway for your help, I just needed to know if they'd be there for me. This would have been nice, to get a job and be able to tell her I didn't need to borrow anything. And after feeling all that anger after talking to her, it was nice to feel hope again, instead of desperation of the possibility of losing my home...again.

I think that I must've gotten ready in an hour flat, even putting on my contacts and makeup. I got there early, in high hopes. And with a positive hopeful attitude, really, I was. But this has been the usual way that I feel before an interview. And then the let down afterward is awful. But I didn't think about that, just that I needed to 'put my best foot forward'. I arrived early, about 20 minutes early too. And since I hurried to get ready and make it there, I didn't have time to think too much and let the anxiety set in.

So it was a suite in an industrial-type complex, in a cul-de-sac. And it seemed very quiet inside as I walked in. There was a receptionist who smiled and said she'd let Kathy know I was there. So I sat and then Kathy came out and shook my hand. She seemed nice and casual. And took me to a small area, where she gave me a test to take on paper. It was 2 pages long. And she gave me a calculator for the math. My contacts wouldn't let me see up close. They do help me to see far away really good, but lately not up close. And that was a problem. But I went ahead and took my time to focus and see the numbers clear. The 2nd page had filing-like problems. Where I had to pick the number where the folder would go, alphabetically. And then again more math at the end. It was percentages and decimal problems. I did it. And then gave it to the receptionist, who gave it to Kathy. And then Kathy took a few minutes, I guessed that she was seeing if I would go on to the next step. Maybe she looked at the test results, I don't know. I asked her if I did okay on the test and she said I did fine. So then she took me into her office and had me sit behind her computer and gave me another test, telling me the WORD and EXCEL is on her desktop. So I took a Word test and Excel test. I was supposed to type a 'formal' letter. And then do a 'widget' calculation with 10 entries, add them up and calculate the tax to add. That I did with the calculator. And then she took me in the back to interview with someone else, who was the accounting manager. Again, the nervous giggle. She failed to tell me that this was all for someone else, and who that person would be. She just said not very much the entire time.

I waited, standing behind Kathy, as she stood at the desk of someone who didn't seem like she wanted to talk very much. It's hard to explain, just that I couldn't hear what was being said, if anything was being said. I noticed a weird vibe, that's all I can say. But I brushed it off. Because I want a job.

The woman interviewing me had her black hair shaved and was wearing no makeup. She had on a sweater vest over a t-shirt. She didn't smile....at all. She said that she didn't know that she was going to have to interview anybody, and that she wasn't ready for an interview. And then she stated that they've been changing their interview process, and are now giving this little test thing, since the previous 3 employees she'd hired didn't work out. And that they "didn't know what they said they knew", after beginning the job. And I just listened and waited for her to begin the interview. She didn't even ask me any questions. I recall her telling me that it's now starting out as an administrative job, that would work into some accounting. I was hearing, 'light accounting.' I told her about my job back when I was in my 20's at Hunt-Wesson, where I started out in the Freight Payables department. She seemed really uninterested in listening to me. So I stopped talking. She'd never heard of that company she said. I told her about Hunts tomato sauce, Wesson oil. And how the company was bought out by 2 other companies later. She was totally uninterested at that point. So she said that she wants a person who will "ask a lot of questions." I somehow began getting the impression that she is the kind of person who, when trying to ask her questions, gets anal or angry, especially if one asks her the same question twice. And at the beginning of the interview, when she said she'd gone through 3 employees recently, I wondered if they didn't actually quit on her. She seemed so.....mean or something. I began to feel really nervous too. And she even shook her head and put on a suppressed angry look. This was when again, she brought up the subject of having to recently go through 3 employees who didn't really do what they said they could. And in the few...maybe 10 minutes that I was there talking with her, saw the picture clear. They couldn't stand her, and she was running them off. But the company was keeping her, thinking that it was them. When it was she who was the problem.

As I am typing this I'm also remembering how her eyes looked into mine. There was a hint of something like suspicion in her eyes. I was not able to figure out why.

And then I made the mistake of actually asking her questions. Strangely enough she answered one of them. No actually two of them. But when I asked her "what would a typical day here be like, if I worked here?" And she told me the process of what I'd be doing, it seemed like I could do that job, and that it was simple. But then I said "it doesn't sound like too much accounting." That was the end. She said a bit louder, "that's because this is the beginning", and she kind of smacked her hand down in her desk, and she said "your not listening, I'll show you out."

Smack in the face.

So she stopped in the lobby and handed me her card saying "try not to be so overwhelmed." I merely thanked her and walked out, kinda trotted to my car. I'm almost not wanting to admit, but I was relieved that she didn't hire me.

As I drove home I remember feeling glad that I knew where to get onto the freeway, because I was having trouble focusing, I was so stunned. Words like "insensitive, rude, no-people -skills" were going through my confused head.

I was so glad to get home, kick off my shoes and kiss my bunny. And I changed and returned Kristy's phone call. She called me just as I was walking out the door, saying she's be praying for me. But not before I picked up my telephone and called the woman named Kathy, who was luckily still in her office. I reminded her who I was, that I'd just left there. And said that the woman interviewing me had mentioned in the interview that she'd gone through 3 employees recently. She said 'uh-huh'. I said well, 'I don't know quite how to tell you this, but I don't think it's not the employees who have the problem, it's her.' Nervous giggle again from her. And I told her that was awful, and that 'I felt like I was slapped in the face by her.' And then, 'even if she wanted to hire me, I wouldn't take the job, I couldn't work with her.' She said she appreciated my call and thanked me.

I realized that I do have people who care about me, who aren't mean and insensitive, all of the time. I called Kristy and she listened as I told her about this awful thing that just happened to me. She thought that it had been a temp agency, but it wasn't I told her, it was a direct hire from a job listing site, a really popular one.

The one halfway positive thing that happened to me that day, was that I actually got through to EDD at 8:01. And was able to connect with a really helpful person on the other end, who gave me a new appointment for a phone interview this Monday. And she said, after I inquired, that there's a good possibility that they can cancel my $42-dollar-a-week claim. And that my new claim will be $156 week. That gave me hope in mankind again.

But then Heidi called me. She had 'bad news' she said. She again couldn't pay me the $40 she's been owing since I loaned it to her over a month ago. She is my neighbor from my old apartments. The thing is, she's been having a hard time like me. But she goes to those check-cashing places, borrows money from them. And then her checks bounce. So she has to pay them the bounce fee, plus their interest fees and the entire amount that she borrows. And she usually borrows $250. And that was where she was when she called me. It upset me, because I was going to pay my phone bill with that $40.

After it got dark yesterday (the sun went down), I got a call from a man on the POF site. We talked and made plans to meet tomorrow and have lunch, close by to here. Maybe I can walk there.

I got a good night of sleep last night. And woke to my kitty meowing in the middle of the night. I got up and fed her and she got on my lap, purring so loudly. She really gets affectionate during the night when it's dark out for some reason. And then I got up and fed the bunnies when it was light. One of them, Pinkie is laying down near me, on her tummy, stretched out. I got to watch her and Nala chasing each other all while I typed this post. And Pinkie has learned to go poop and pee on the newspaper. They're like puppies. And I watched her as she jumped up and down on the couch, stopping to look over at me every once in a while, with her nose twitching. And see her jumping high into the air, kicking her legs out, and running in front of Nala as if to say 'can you do this?'

And as I sit here, I think things like "am I really 'living beyond my means'"? I think not, no, I don't.

Not This Again

2010-06-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 27; 1: Boast not thyself to morrow. For thou knoweth not what a day may bring forth.
I can't believe this is happening to me again! After I just pulled myself out of the apartment where I was and am now where I want to be, I am again having to go through a rigamarole with the EDD office. I just want to find a real full-time job. So that I don't have to collect unemployment. This is going to be hard for me to write about.
But I will.

At this point I have half of my rent for next month right now. And so far no new assignment or job lined up. I don't mind the time off because I am getting things in order with the college so that I can go back to school in the Fall. But I found out that, even though I've been working for the last 5 months (at the welfare office for God's sake), that the unemployment office is only going to give me $42 a week. And no, I can't live on that.

Back in January, after I began working full-time, EDD continued to send me claim forms to fill out and mail back. And thinking that's what I was supposed to do, I filled them out with all of my wage information and so on. But they continued to send them for over a month. I actually thought it was okay, since it was the State who was sending me this, okay to fill out the forms and tell them that I was working full-time. Because isn't that the idea, to get back to work? But then some time in late February, they opened a new claim, mailing me a new packet and all. I kind of freaked out.

I took a half day off back in early March, when received this mail. And I went down to the One-Stop EDD office nearby here. And when I explained to the man behind the counter that, even though I was working full-time, EDD continues to send me mail. He laughed and said "maybe they like you!" I was more worried about the $42 amount on the form. And said so. He just said for me to stop mailing the claim forms back to them, and "sit it out." I left and went home with a funny feeling. And I continued working and didn't worry about it.

So now, I am being told that they are leaving this $42 a week claim open. Needless to say, I am totally upset about this. Mostly because I didn't open the claim, they did. I made an unproductive trip down to the One-Stop office again this recent Monday morning, at 7:30. I got there at 7:30 a.m. And there were already people waiting in line to use the telephone to file new claims. There was a short Mexican man working behind the counter this time. And he was no help. He also said that the claim is open for a year from January 2010. "But I was working when this was opened and I didn't even collect any money on this claim, because I was working full-time". It didn't even seem to go through his thick head. I said I want it canceled, after I said that "I can't live off $42 a week." He stupidly asked me if I got any money on this claim. No, I told him. And I realized that he didn't even hear what I said a few seconds earlier. So then he told me to go and use the phones and dial their number, the 800 number, and press 1-3-0. And see if they can cancel the claim. He said "if they will."

I think I had to wait about a half hour before I could use that phone. Maybe I could have done this in my home. Because I again got someone on the other line, who was supposed to be and EDD employee. But she was just another person who takes information and then passes it along to a real EDD employee. So it was nothing more than what I would have gotten on a Saturday when I called. And while waiting in line, there was a rude African American old guy, sitting next to me, using a lot of expletives while he talked to the people sitting around us. And then he ignorantly asked me if he could used my phone. I turned my head sideways at him and shook my head without looking at his face. The audacity!

So when it was my turn to use the phone, the guy before me handed me the phone. And he'd just filed a new claim. But the woman on the other end, was probably the stupidest person I've ever had to talk to, at the EDD office. She took information and twisted it all around as I told her the problem. I could hear her typing. And then she read back what she typed. It was all wrong. It was as if she wasn't even listening to me. I think that I had to correct 3 comments she typed, as she read them back to me. And one of them was that she wrote that I was collecting money on this claim, while I was working. I said "no, I didn't say that." I made her fix everything that she wrote that was not right. I still don't even know if she got it all right. But she did say that they'd either email me or call me. She also said that they could "make an adjustment" on the amount of the weekly amount, since I'd been working up until now. But I do not think that she even knew what she was talking about. She said it would be 3 to 5 days before someone contacts me again. And that it's going to be "a waiting game now."

Okay, so that night, at 6 p.m., my cell rang and I answered it. It was a woman from EDD. She basically told me to read my handbook, on page 11". And that I "had 30 days to cancel the claim". But when I told her that I didn't even ask to open that claim, she replied "we wouldn't have opened the claim if you didn't want us to." Fuck, what! So I said that "why would I open a claim if I was working full-time?" She only then replied that she wasn't going to "argue with" me. But it sounded as if she was the one who wanted to start an argument. Making up lies, with me will start and argument. I said that I can't understand why this claim was ever opened. She again repeated to read the handbook on page 11. And said she'd make an appointment for me to have a phone interview. And that if I didn't agree with the decision, that I could appeal it and see a judge. I agreed to that. She said in "7 to 10 days", I will get something in the mail. Needless to say, I was very upset after that phone call. It seemed like she just wanted to tell me off. And the worst part was that I could barely hear her, and she had a Mexican accent. I thought "what the hell is this country coming to?"

So I am in the "waiting game" again. But I am not playing this stupid game any more. I will find some kind of work by the end of this month. I spent all of yesterday morning on the Internet and telephone, calling, emailing and looking for another job.

So I put a call into Bethany, with Sharon. She was on vacation, as usual. And I left her a message asking if I could maybe borrow money for July rent if I needed to. A couple of years ago, Sharon told me (and Bernie was there when she said this), that she'd talked to sister Louise about helping me with my rent. And that sister Louise said that she would do this for me. But after that I never needed help with it. So now I am wondering if they still would do that.

And yesterday Terri Galvan emailed a lot of valuable information to me, about where I could go for help with my rent. And that Ana who works there at WISE Place knows of a place where lots of the women go for work. And that particular job is a "pays the bills" job. So all of that gave me hope. Especially when she said "don't loose hope." And she said in her email that I have always been an example of an "independent woman", and I "always manage to keep a roof over my head." This really made my entire day okay yesterday.

The thing is, that this apartment complex "doesn't do rental assistance." That was the exact words of the manager. I don't have Section 8 or HUD and I never have and never will, I am sure. But I wonder about the other kinds of non-profit places. Would they accept that? I'm not wanting to ask, this soon in my tenancy. And any way I look at this situation, I am still way better off. Because if I hadn't moved here, I'd now be in a horrible place. And I'd be even more miserable than ever, with no hope for anything, and stuck there. So taking that job, even if it was temporary, enabled me to be able to move here. And my mental health is more important.

I called Ultimate Staffing, and inquired as to whether or not they heard from EDD yet about my assignment ending. The girl said that she'd taken a while to fill out all of the forms, since there were so many of us from that assignment. But that she'd just mailed mine off a couple days ago. I wondered if that was why I was not getting any correct information from EDD about the amount of my claim. But I'm not getting my hopes up now. I still have a bad feeling about that.

Yesterday was a bit cool. It's June gloom time. I did a load of laundry too. And read a lot. I stayed up late to finish my library book, until 11 p.m. That's rare for me to stay up that late. The sun came out in the afternoon. I wanted to go out to the pool. But I'm embarrassed to let the manager see me laying by the pool, and not at work. The pool is right out in front of the office here.

Nala has been doing funny kitty stuff. She goes into the bathtub and pees in the drain. It goes right down the drain, her aim is so good. I see her doing it sometimes. And I don't stop her because I don't mind that she's going somewhere that kind of makes sense, to her at least. I think she's copying me. Since she sees me going in the toilet. It's funny and cute I think. And then yesterday she went in the drain in the kitchen sink. I rinsed it out after. She's not using her litter box any more. And I have no idea why. I'm thinking that she thinks she's close to being a human being.

I take her for walks on her leash a few times a day, and sometimes at night. And she cries a lot to go out. And I have to put her in the bedroom with her bunny friends until she goes to sleep. She and Pinkie have become friends. She lays on the floor and watches Pinkie run and jump high into the air. And as Pinkie hops by her, she puts her paw out and touches her little furry body. It's the cutest thing. I could watch them for hours. And every time one of the bunnies goes on the carpet, I pick it up immediately. I have newspaper on all of the corners of the living room and behind the table that's next to the couch.

I've been thinking about walking to this office industrial complex that's nearby here. And I'll take several copies of my resume to leave in a few offices. It isn't the normal way that people look for work now. But sometimes I think that "knocking on doors" gets some action going.

My brother even called me yesterday. He had an interview back a month ago, with a Canadian company. But he still hasn't got a solid offer from them. And still hasn't got the job. So he's selling his big beautiful home in Missouri. It's on the market. He showed me pictures of it on the Internet. He's downsizing he says. And he's tired of being a slave to his house. The house if beautiful. But it's a little too much for me. If I could, I think I wouldn't have a super large house like that. I'd still rather get a smaller one, than a giant place.

A Speaking Cat

2010-06-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

My precious cat Nala is very.....talkative. She talks to me quite a lot. Someone once told me that she's probably waiting to be able to form words and speak. She's such a meower. And it's not just because she's spoiled. She's just a talkative cat. She meows about everything.

Lately, since I now live in a new apartment complex where the rules are different, she's not supposed to go outside. She doesn't know how to be an 'inside cat'. And she isn't liking it much. I have to walk her on a leash. We're upstairs, so she and I walk up and down the balcony several times a day. She's actually getting used to it. And runs like a doggy when she sees me picking up her leash.

There are other cats here too, quite a few. I bet that just about everyone around me has a cat or kitten. Just yesterday the young college student in the apartment next to me, told me they'd just got a kitten. The guy I met across the way downstairs has a small cat too. And the guy upstairs across from me also has a cat. He allows his cat to run around, and it comes home when he calls it. I've seen lots of other cats too.

I don't know what they'd think about bunnies.

Right now, Nala's sitting in the window sill in the front living room window. She seems to look across the way a lot, even when I'm walking her. She must see that cat across the way I think. I put the cardboard garment box next to the window so that she can jump up on it and then get into the window.

I bet she's so happy to get away from that awful black cat that used to attack her so much, in that awful place where we used to live.

Speaking of the old place....Heidi messaged me, saying that she didn't get back but $100 of her deposit. That's ridiculous too. Her place was way cleaner than mine was.

I had my bunny Priti out last night. She loves to hang out. Nala seems to be curious about her, more than the other bunny. I'm not sure why though. The other bunny Pinkie loves to play with Nala and chases her a lot. Pinkie's an entertaining bunny. She jumps way up into the air and sometimes twists her little body around. She seems to have springs in her feet, it's so cute. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen any animal do. She does it a lot while she's loose in here. Priti's still the shy scared bunny. It's because of her trauma after being stray and neglected for so long. But i found her and she has me now. And I love her. She reminds me of a little runt Himalayan cat that I found in the shelter in Sacramento. The little thing was completely scared and traumatized. I took her home, gave her a quiet place to live, fed her, loved her. And she was a one-person-cat. Nobody else could get near her.

Last week I was thinking about going back to the shelter down the street here, and getting another bunny. But I didn't let myself even go there. Two is too many. If I had a home with a backyard, I would have done that though.

My precious furry friends take my mind off my stress. I was without a pet for a few years. And I'd forgotten how much I so love animals.

Settling In, Bunnies, School and Other Fun Things

2010-06-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

This is now a month that I've been in my new place. And I still want to pinch myself in disbelief. I've met the neighbor across the way. His name is Tom. But that's not why I'm so happy, it's a beautiful complex, in a beautiful area. And there are only nice, smiling people living here it seems. The 8th of this month was a month here. And I feel more than blessed to have been able to move here.

I finally did the drive to the college that I attend, in order to get the class schedule for Fall this year. I even waited for a walk-in appointment to see the counselor. It's not a psychotherapy kind of counselor. It's one of many that the school has employed, to help us figure out our plans for which classes to take. It's very very complicated, to me at least. I've always had trouble figuring out which classes I actually need to finish my degree. Nevertheless, I have only 1 more art class to finish, and 1 more algebra class. And then I have my AA. But since it's been so long since I've had any math, I need to go back and retake elementary algebra. But in the long process of being in college, I've actually accumulated enough units to qualify for 2 degrees. So the 2nd degree is called AA in Interdisciplinary Studies with an Emphasis in Arts and Human Expression. I have over 100 units. I jokingly say sometime, that I should have a Masters Degree by now, with all of the units I have. But anyway, I was thrilled to find out how close I am to actually finishing school! I'll graduate in May of 2011. I would've been done this year, except for the math. I've always let math hold me back in school. But I am not going to allow that any more.

I recall in high school, I almost didn't graduate because I couldn't do math.

It's Thursday today. It's been kinda gloomy as far as the weather goes. June gloom it's called. It's been a quiet week too. It's been just me and the bunnies and Nala here. Little Pinkie has been very very naughty too. She seems to want to run around when I let her out for exercise, and pee and poop in 3 corners, a lot! It's like yesterday, she held all of it just to do it on the carpeting. so I had to scrub the floor in 3 corners. And then I put down newspaper in those corners. She literally runs from corner to corner of the living room floor, peeing and pooping. And then once she's finished, she just plops down on her tummy with her legs stretched out, looking at me as if to say "I'm all pooped out now, heeheeheeheehee!"

I've been having to take Nala out for walks on a leash. She's actually getting used to it too. But she wants to go down the stairs into the garden. I haven't allowed her to do that yet. Except once, when she got loose. And it didn't take her but 1 minute to run around the front of the building in the bushes. That scared me. And there are 2 finches downstairs. A neighbor down there has them in a really pretty cage outside usually. And Nala jumped up onto that cage to attack them once while I was walking her down there. So that's another reason that I don't want her down there. I know how much she loves to hunt. And little birdies are her specialty.

Yesterday I went to help Amber with her online homework. Amber is my 'client' who lives in Surfside. I type while she dictates to me. She's always so nice and she pays me cash. Surfside is an old beach community in Seal Beach. And you have to drive through a guard shack/security gate to get in. This little colony of homes used to be a hippie community. And now it's an expensive place to live. We walked around after finishing, and down to the beach. We walked by Carmen Diaz' beach home too. But she wasn't home, the place was vacant. And we walked by a tiny little shack too, that was one of the original little homes. It's literally a little brown shack, with surfboards leaning against the outside walls. There were a lot of people living there. And a lot of the homes were empty too, waiting for the summer dwellers to come.
Carmen Diaz' place is a peach colored, newer home, 3-story. It's right on the beach. We actually walked right around the front of it and Amber noticed that there was a beach towel left on the lounge out on the back deck.

She said that Carmen has been there recently, and so the 'security' is more vigilant lately. That would explain the way that the 'security' at the guard shack seemed a little nervous about letting me in. Asking me "are you on their list?" Amber said that now I am on "the list", to be allowed in. Even though I've been there countless times before. The 'security' finally found my name in "the list", saying "oh there you are I found you." Amber had to call down there again, saying "I just talked to you." Anyway, Amber thinks that Carmen's place is one of the peach colored ones in this picture. Maybe one with the grass in front of it.

It was really sweet of Amber, when last night she texted me saying how grateful she is for me helping her. And that she's glad that she's "so happy we found one another". She also says "you are a sweet caring person", and she "really enjoyed the time we spend together." The part that I like, is that she notices that I am a nice person. Because nobody notices that about me, except me. And she too apparently.

This weekend is the one that Bernie will be at Bethany. So this Saturday night will be my "rubbing elbows with the crazies" Saturday weekend nights. I'm thinking about making a Red Velvet cake and bring it with me. Going there empty-handed is what I don't like to do, but do often. I wrote about "the crazies" in another blog post. But I won't reference it here. It's just that there's usually at least one "crazy" there on Bernie's Saturday night dinner night. And I don't like "the crazies". Because they usually target me in one way or another, with some of their "crazy" abberated behavior. And I leave there angry usually. I've just been asked too many questions about how do I "pay my rent?" And "how much is your rent if you don't mind me asking?" And oh my favorite, "I'm mad at you because you didn't sit next to me at the lunch!" So I am supposed to just answer all of these crazy questions without losing my temper. I used to be able to just look and say nothing. I think I'll start doing that again. Just stare and be silent, I will.

Oh and I've been to the library twice this week too. I read Alice Hoffman's young adult novel titled "Green Witch."

And I bought some potting soil and a few little planters and planted more creeping charlies in them, and put them outside on my front walkway.

My Inner Child Is Coming Out Again

2010-06-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

It's always a good sign I think, when I feel like browsing the children's book section of Borders. Or looking in the toy section of a store. I know that's a good sign, for me at least. That I am feeling like letting my 'inner child' come out. I think it means that I feel safe now. I'm serious. And I don't have a "split personality" either. Although there are some who would disagree with me on that.

Yesterday I took a trip over to Borders, before I went to a few antique stores. I came across a book about a little Siamese kitty called SkippyJon Jones. Here is the cartoon kitty. The author has a site, her name is Judy Schachner . I love the art. It's just so very cute. And I also bought a really good animal cartoon sketch book. Because I wanted to do some more sketching. And have a few more pics to scan into my website. Christine's Art Site.

So I decided to go over to the library and see if I can find a few of her books. And I did find about 3 of Judy Schachner's books. So yes, I checked out two. And I read them at home too. But you'll have to go and read them for yourself. The point is that I like cute pictures, kid's stuff. I was thinking, as I was walking through the children's section of the library (for the hundredth time), that I never really was able to have a real childhood. And so I sometimes try to make up for it by looking at, buying, drawing and being around kid's stuff like toys, books and art that has those themes. And let's not forget the stuffed animals. I am a stuffed animal lover. But they have to be cute stuffed animals. Not just any stuffed animal, they have to be kinda round and cute.

I drove over to the Orange Circle and found again a few antique store items I wanted. Seriously though, I am not in a place to be buying stuff right now. So I did find an old plate that's the theme of the cute little kids and cute little animals praying. It was $10 and there is a nice British lady working there who was nice enough to hold it for me. Today I went back and bought it.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to do the sketching. Maybe sketch for an hour at first. I love getting into that right-brained mode. But my left-brain fights me all the way. I am both logical and creative. I have to use my left brain to figure out life stuff. So when I try and do my art, any art, it's hard. Because the left side of my brain won't let the right side take over. I learned about that in my first art class. It was probably one of the most interesting things that I've learned about in college. I actually have a book that was a requirement for me to buy in my first sketching class called "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain."

It's frustrating when I try to explain that concept to my "social worker" acquaintances. Because they have no idea what I am talking about! I think they think I am trying to attempt to talk politics with them, stupidly, in their ignorance. All, and I mean all, "social" workers that I know, are total egoists. They can't think outside of their bubble or their boxes. But thinking outside of the box is a must to be an artist. It's the reason that I'd rather study art than "social work".

How did I get into that subject?

Yesterday I actually got to throw out all of the cardboard boxes, into the recycle bin. And Since I got up at 5:30 a.m. yesterday, I was tired in the afternoon and evening. So my place is much more roomy. But I do have 4 more boxes of pots and pans.

And then today I went and tried to find books about bunnies at Barnes & Noble. But I could only find one. I can never find books about bunnies, or rabbits. It's like nobody wants to write about them. So I came home and let my Priti out and watched her play and lay around the living room on her tummy, with her hind legs splayed out behind her. It says in the book that means that they are very relaxed. And when she puts her ears forward, she's being interested.

How Much Do I Love My Animals?

2010-06-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

How much I love my animals, lots. My bunny Pinkie is hopping and kicking up her feet in my living room, chasing and playing with Nala for the last several hours. She's been going behind the couch and sleeping. She lays flat out on her side with her head that way too. It's so cute. She seems to know that I love her, and that I think she's so cute. Sometimes she stops playing and sits and stares at me while I am over here on the computer.
Pinkie is much more tame than Priti. But Priti was abused so she's fine. I love her all the more. I need to take some more new pictures of them both.

This is going to be one of my 'I'm so happy' posts. It's because I am, happy happy happy. I'm especially happy that I live where I live now. Comparing to other apartments I've lived in, this is maybe the best. But I've already written about that.

Every day, several times, I take Nala outside and walk around with her. And yes, cats do not like leashes. She just lies down. She's walked up and back on the balcony a lot, checking it all out. But this morning after our walk, she cried when I brought her back inside. And then walked around crying for hours. She literally cried herself to sleep. And she was running after me and putting her arms around my legs to get me to take her out again. She's a spoiled kitty. But it's okay. Right now she's sleeping on the back of the couch.

Today I went over to my credit union, inquiring about my new checks. But there was no order in. Now that was weird, since I placed the order over the phone, about 2 weeks ago. Nevertheless I got 4 temporary checks. So that I could pay my prorated rent today. And I put it in a cute ladybug greeting card.

Yesterday I unpacked more boxes and put more paper in the cupboards. I am almost totally unpacked now. And it's just pots and pans that need to be put away. So my place is beginning to look more put together.

And I went over to Trader Joes market too. I bought more Omega 3's, soy milk, salad and some Cheerios for the bunnies. I found some really good cilantro salad dressing. And of course my pomegranate juice too. Oh and my favorite blueberry scones also. On the way there I stopped into the Wendy's drivethru and got one of their deals. But I got the chicken sandwich instead of the cheeseburger I ordered. I ate it anyway with fries and an iced tea. I am a little bit of a junk food junkie. But I make up for it by drinking soy milk and stuff from Trader Joes.

So since my temporary assignment is over, I began placing my typing ad and contacting all of my clients again. Amber emailed me about working. And I already have a bunch of work from Wes. But I haven't started it yet, I am still kinda waiting, but not sure what for. Today I contacted the Devon and Devon agency and did their online application. There are two employees I met at the last assignment, who were there from Devon and Devon. So I just wanted to see if they may have some work too. I contacted them months ago.

I'm sort of worrying about if and when my unemployment starts. Everyone, including the agency said that it would be approved. But still, I worry.

Today I wanted to get rid of all the empty boxes in here. But the recycle trash bin is full, totally. Maybe after it gets dark I'll take more boxes out there and smush them into the dumpster.

When this room is finally empty of all the boxes, it will look roomy. Because I only have my couch and sewing machine table in this room. And I hung up all of the quilts my mother has made for me.

While I was out on the balcony with Nala, I saw Kristy walking around with the assistant manager. They walked into an empty apartment across and downstairs. She didn't see me up here. I noticed something. She didn't walk very near to the woman. When I was here looking at apartments, I walked right next to Ann the manager, and we were talking. I guess everyone's different.

And I almost forgot to write about the beautiful fern plants I bought at Mainly Seconds. I paid only $13.90 for 2 gorgeous ferns. And I hung them out on my front balcony as soon as I arrived home. I love ferns. And haven't bought new plants in years. Hopefully I will be buying many more. And decorating my balcony with them and the seashells I buy.

While I Write This...

2010-05-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

While I write this my kitty Nala is sitting in the empty kitchen cupboard. It's empty because I haven't put my things away yet. Everything for the kitchen (well almost everything) is still in boxes. Because I still haven't put down the paper in the cupboards yet. I plan on doing it this week, since I have the week off.

This recent week was a busy one. For one thing, my on-again-off-again friend Kristy has been calling me. Not that I mind. She's moving here, or going through the motions of applying to move into these apartments. And also my on-again-off-again friend Susie called me too. She stayed here last night, on the couch again. She's the one that used to stay with me for only 2 weeks. I met both of them at WISE Place and Bethany while we all lived there. Kristy and Susie lived together as roommates in a house that St. Josephs owns. They now really dislike each other. I had dinner at Bethany last night and then she came over with wine coolers and we sat up till late and talked.

Friday was the last day at my temp job. I thought it would never come, our last day. But I was glad it was all over. Even though I will have less money now, I can have some time off and look for another job. Another job that pays better is what I want and need. And I can also get back into school in August. And I already have a lot of work to do from one of my clients I worked with last year. The last day at work was weird. The last day at any job is weird. It just feels weird, that's all I can say. I may miss some people. But those people have both of my phone numbers and the other ones have my information from Facebook. And who knows, maybe a few of us will end up at another temp assignment together again. It's what we are hoping for.

I'm still not all the way unpacked here. I've yet to finish putting down the paper in my cupboards. And once I do that I can put away the pots and pans and other kitchen stuff. I absolutely love it here. It's a serene and tranquil complex. I almost never want to go anywhere. I have my plants and my seashells outside on the front walkway. And some cute animal statues in the window sills on front. I really want to buy some ferns to hang there too.

My animals, including Nala seem to be happier. The bunnies are in cages in the bedroom, up on tables. And I take turns letting each one out to run around on every other day. Needless to say, I pick up after them and they aren't allowed under the couch or the bed. Because that's where they made their worst messes in the old place. Priti is a smart bunny. I was training her to stay on the couch and she listns to me. She also seems to know that I don't want her in the bedroom on the floor. I kept a super large garment box from the movers. And they both use it to play in, lay in and poop in. It's like their cave.

Last night, while Susie and I were up late, Pinkie was running around in the living room. She was happy and doing her little jumping high in the air stunts. When bunnies are happy they jump up into the air. Like little bouncing bunnies. And she kicks her hind legs out and kinda wiggles her body a little while she's in the air for a second. It's got to be the cutest thing in the world. I haven't seen them do that in months. But last night Pinkie was giving us a show. She ran around until she tired herself out. She chased Nala a little too. And then she let me pick her up and put her back into her cage. She laid down and went to sleep. Both the bunnies have their own little personalities. Priti is smart and kinda bossy and mean. She actually bit me last week, twice on 2 different days. It doesn't make me mad because I know she's been traumatized when she was a baby. A lot of people wouldn't put up with her doing that. It's why she's mine. I love her.

I think that all I am going to do today is a load of laundry. That's right. And tomorrow is a holiday. I have a headache and I am not feeling too well, but I took some pills for it. I'm waiting for them to take effect. I slept in late today too. I went over and had Chinese at Bethany last night. I get irritated with the women who live there. And the ones that used to live there I'm not so irritated with now. Anyway, I got to have dinner there and visit with Connie.

Other Than Praying, What Would You Do To Find a Job?

2010-05-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

Other than praying, what would you do to find a job? This is what we were discussing on our afternoon break today, my two favorite coworkers and I. And here are some things that we came up with:

Putting a rock in your butt and dancing around.

If it's gonna get you a job, would you do it? Hell yes! And I can think of a lot of other things we'd do to get hired at a job these days.

Fling your weiner around.

Throw some magic fairy dust and sit on a mushroom.

Take cookies or cupcakes to the interviewer.

Find a magic rock and blow on it before going into the interview.

Say an Indian Mantra to yourself, over and over.

Avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk or pavement on the way there.

Say or beg "please please give me this job, I need a job so bad! To the person interviewing us.

Wish and wish we get a job, so hard the night before the interview, that we get a headache and insomnia.

Call all our friends and tell them to "think good thoughts" about us during the time we know that we will be in the interview.

Mail a thank you card the day before the interview, so that the person interviewing us will be impressed with us.

Try doing mind control on the interviewiew during and before and after the interview, in order to get them to call us back and give us that job.

Tell the interviewer that if he or she doesn't give us the job, that our pets will starve. Not to mention us.

Call up a psychic and ask about how they think we will do on the interview.

Go to a mystic store and buy some mystical potions to mix the day of the interview.

Light some candles and toss Rosemary onto them, chanting.

This list could go on and on, but do you get the idea? It's getting to the point where we are all sick and tired of not being able to have a job. Even a little tiny office desk job would be fine for me. Serious, I do not even need my own telephone at my desk, or computer for that matter. Just a place where I know that I can go every day, a job, to make money. Just a damned job, that will make me able to pay rent and utilities and feed myself. So that I can keep a roof over my head, without worrying every week before the rent is due.

Anyone else come up with any other ideas? Just write them in the comments.